England Spring Trip'24 : Oxford & London (day 1-2) - a rambling

Right now, I am sitting on a bench just by the University of Oxford. Thankfully, Alhamdulilllah, I am back in Oxford for the second time. Hopefully the third time I will be back here with purpose.

Starting this England trip, I was anxious and half-regretting. I thought once classes end, I will have more free time. My schedule will be more flexible. But, no. I still have a lot on my plates, a lot of responsibility that is prying for my energy and attention that I don’t get to enjoy myself. Lethargic? Overwhelmed? Kinda.

I thought this trip is going to be a getaway for me. To shut off from everything and recharge myself. But, works keep trailing me even in my ‘rare-holiday’. But this is actually partly because I wasted the previous week prior to starting my England trip. When I was supposed to be ‘cleaning’ all the work and responsabilities. I am to be blamed, honesty.

But, these kind of thoughts are kind of useless. Why? Because I need them in order to better myself. However, sometimes I feel my expectations vs my capabilities are not up to par. That’s why I feel it this way now. 

But, I guess, I just need to go with it. There is no use of lamenting and complaining. You need to work yourself, you need to keep yourself sane and healthy. There is no one to blame and put the burden on, except from your own self.

Also, actually I shouldn’t regret going on a trip when my mind says no.

Yesterday (1st of April), I arrived in London after an overnight bus ride, explored some places, and came back to a mosque nearby to pray and rest a bit. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting anything. But once I entered the mosque, I was surprised when a sweet girl in front of me asked ‘how can I convert?’ To the receptionist. Masya Allah, I get the goosebump! I ended up accompanying and witnessing her taking syahadah. Masya Allah.

My conversation with her was very enlightening. I feel the need to do more retrospection and self-reflection on my faith and things I actually want (and need) to achieve in this world. We spent the Iftar and Maghreb, and isya’ together. It was really heartwarming masya Allah.

And tonight, right after I am back in London, Insya Allah we will be going to London Central Mosque together! I can’t wait, honestly. 
May Allah bless and ease her path in His way <3 

And may we keep our ukhuwah till Jannah insya Allah Amin <3

-

Oxford reflection:

Coming here again made me realised why I worked hard in the first place. Because I always aim to the sky. Because my parents never set a limit to myself. Because I believe I can go beyond it.

Șo here I am, with (hopefully) new aspirations. 

May Allah ease my journey in obtaining His knowledge.

And May Allah bless everyone who is reading this random writings in ramadan. 

Oxford, UK

- Tue, 2 April’24  (14:05)

The Shepherd King duology by Rachel Gill review

"The Shepherd King" duology  captivated me in a genre I never thought would held my interest—the Gothic. Rachel’s duuology with its familiar premise of forbidden magic and generational curse, transcends the ordinary by seamlessly weaving a uniquely magical tale. 

The narrative unfolds around a group of individuals, a maiden, a Destrier captain, a highwayman, a bethroed, and a prince. Each leading distinct lives yet intricately connected in their quest to break the chains of a curse plaguing their kingdom. An enchanted mist, driven by curse, engulfs the kingdom and induce a madness that stems from the lost of their talismen. The spellbinding storytelling, adorned with poetry and enigmatic riddles immersed me wholly in this fantastic realms. 

What sets Rachel’s work apart is her ability to infuse the characters with life, portraying them in a raw and unfiltered manner. The palpable pain and the yearning for liberation from their own traumas resonated through  the pages, allowing me to empathise with their struggles. The characters’ depth and complexity became a conduit for me to vicariously experience their journey, making the narrative all the more enthralling. 

I am grateful to have stumbled upon this literary jewel, and eagerly anticipate more from Rachel in the future!

• Heba, in the mist of Scotland 2024.

      

21.

 North-east of Scotland - St. Andrews & Dundee

It is 21st of January, and I will turn 22 in 9 days. 

22, what a lovely number. 2 is my lucky number. I just love how it looks like, and how ‘dua’, ‘doi’, and ‘two’ sounds in my ears. Right now, I am in the bus X24 from St. Andrews, patiently waiting till I got back home to Glasgow. It is going to be a tiring 3 hours journey, but my heart is delighted. 

22, I was sad because I will no longer be able to use my YoungScot card to travel freely around Scotland. Why 22? Why not 23? Such a terrible timing that my birthday happens to be earlier this year, ripping out the privilege I would have had if I am not 22 yet. That’s why I want to travel around Scotland as much as I can before the clock turns. However, I spent the most of my time in Scotland in 2023 physically-disabled. I couldn’t make use of my privilege to travel around. Then January came, but I only had 2 weeks left, 2 weekends. Though my heart screams to travel, and travel, but I have my responsibilities and commitments to settle. Study and work. Not that I am complaining of them, they keep me alive. But what a terrible timing. But I set out to travel anyway during my weekend, when I am used to be staying at the campus even on Saturday and Sunday. 

22, I was reluctant. People might thought I am a wanderlust traveller. It seems like I am always traveling and be out in the crowd. But no. I am actually a huge homebody. Staying at home is a joy for me. Solitary and silent is my delight. But, I am scared that I would run out of time if I don’t go out. I only have less than 1 year left in Romania. I only have 5 months more left in Scotland. I will not longer be 22, and have the energy and freedom away from adult responsibilities to travel out by my own. To pause what is left to me and seek the wonder. It’s the FOMO. How inelegant it may sounds. But I do have the FOMO of wasting my youth of not doing things freely. 2023, I travelled to Tubingen in Germany, Warsaw in Poland, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Coventry, Oxford, and London in the UK, and Sighisoara, Cluj-Napoca, Iasi, and Suceava in Romania. Majority are solo-travelling, which I prefer much. It was because I fear I would regret not visiting those cities. ‘If not now, when?’. Turns out, traveling is fun, especially if you are by your own. Hopping on the bus and train, with a cup of coffee and pre-made sandwiches tossed in the bag to save money, admiring the breath-taking views, striking architecture, random pleasantry exchanged between strangers, the feeling of independence. 

22, I feel like an adult for the first time. When I first moved to Romania in November 2021, I felt like the clock stopped ticking. I was still the 19-years old Heba who was super enthusiastic of living and studying abroad. I was still a petite 19-years old girl trying to find her place in this world. I was still the 19-years old girl who is willing to do anything to achieve her goals and dreams. I don’t consider myself as an adult. It scares me. The responsibilities and commitments that come with it. Being qn adult is not the most glorified thing, not a fact that one would like to boast of. 

22, just before I turn 22, I was still 21. NOW, I am still 21. I bought my first MacBook Air, with the hard-earned money I saved over the course of 2-3 years of living abroad. I also bought an Apple Pencil that I’ve been eyeing forever, though it is a second-hand. But I did it, big purchases in my early 20s. It does feel different when you bought something by your own money. It is not to be taken granted. I bought these to invest in my studies and future. For productivity purposes. And I am glad I did it. I guess I need to also thank Zahid for his priceless advice. It is never a waste to invest in something for your self. For the future you.

22, I got my first unofficial job! I am excited for my new role. But also, this means I need to manage my time wisely to juggle between my studies and work. I am also taking up more commitments this year, 6 different roles, 6 different responsabilities, 6 different commitments. I guess I feel ‘more adult’ now that I am not only preoccupied with studying. It is intimidating, and I don’t know how I am going to cope with everything. But it needs to be done, if I want to learn more, and improve myself. It is for the future me. 

22, I hope this year is going to be nicer to me. Not the external occurrences, by my attitude towards myself. Yes, I have a lot to do and to learn, yes, I will make silly mistakes, Yes, it is not going to be a smooth journey and you will get burnt-out by times. But it is okay . It is normal. It is not the end of the world if you don’t get to be on top of everything. Because after all, you are only a human. A human who strives to be better, not perfection. Because perfection is only for Allah S.W.T.

22, I am excited for you. 

21, till we meet again in memories. I would cherish you with my whole heart.

Love,

Heba

14:40, 

In the mist of Dundee, Scotland

@Edinburgh

이번 생도 잘 부탁해 (See You in My 19th Life) Review

At first, I wasn't particularly interested in watching this drama. Though I am a huge fan of webtoon, I have only read Lee Hye's previous webtoon "(오늘도 사랑스럽개) which I enjoyed so much. The pivotal moment that made me change my mind was when I stumbled upon its OSTs, 'Star' by Colde and 'Silence' by Sunwoojunga. The first note captured my heart. Though both songs have different nuances and rhythms, they tugged at my heartstrings. The warmth exuded by these songs made me crave more, and more. 

I would love to read the webtoon first. Usually when there's a movie/drama based on a book, I would try to read the original work first. But this time, my patience run out, and I just want to dive right into the story knowing that it won't disappoint me. I have my trust on the OSTs, and Shin Hye Sun, a phenomenal actress that secured her spot in my top actress list!

S y n o p s i s

Ban Ji Eum has an extraordinary ability: she can remember the memories of all her past lives. Repeating her reincarnation for nearly a thousand years, Ban Ji Eum has been living all her lives diligently. After her previous life is cut short by a tragic accident, she sets out to reconnect with the people of her past life in her current one, and decides to find a man named Moon Seo Ha, whom she met in her 18th life. Will memories of her 18th life sabotage romance in her 19th? Or will love endure across different lives?

On the other side, there is also Yoon Cho Won, a landscape architect and the younger sister of Yoon Joo Won, whose life collapsed after her older sister's death. She is courageous and kind, even after facing the death of her beloved sister, but she struggles to maintain her brightness. When Yoon Cho Won meets Ban Ji Eum by chance and sees her older sister in her, she wonders about Ban Ji Eum’s identity.

Then there's Ha Do Yoon, Moon Seo Ha’s secretary and best friend since childhood. Although they come from completely different backgrounds, Ha Do Yoon feels some kind of affinity for him.

R e v i e w

I thoroughly enjoyed watching every episodes. Recently, I got into an accident and injured my leg. Being immobile for a few weeks, this drama accompany me in my recovery journey. Here are some points that made me appreciate this production:

1. Cinematography and fashion

Literally gorgeous! I appreciate the symmetric shooting and how they play with the angles. Especially the flashback scenes of Ban Ji Eum's previous lives are very enigmatic and dreamy. The fashion curation of each character is also worth noting, especially for Ban Ji Eum. I must say her cozy-professional and clean-cut looks are my preferences, they add more idea to what I want to wear!

2. The OSTs

I can't speak enough about this. They captivated my heart and soul from the first moment I listened to them. They transmit the longing and grief emotions conveyed from the screen to the viewers and listeners. As someone who enjoys staying in a melancholic state, they have been on repeat for weeks now.

The tracks that stand out to me:

I. Silence by Sunwoojunga

II. Stars by Colde

III. I'll Embrace Your Past by Ahn Bo Hyun

3. Characters

Ban Ji-Eum is a really witty and cunning character and Shin Hye Sun managed to bring her to life with her remarkable and unarguable charms! Despite being someone who has lived long enough and has gone through the perpetual trails of life full of suffering and farewells, Ban Ji-Eum still shows her vulnerability towards her own emotions, though she tries to swallow them up by herself and conceal those feelings. One scene that struck me was in episode 3 when she 'met' her past life's mother. Being deranged and aching with longing, her desires burst out with yearning for her motherly love back, the warmth she received for the short span of time of her previous life. It might be thrilling to remember all your past lives, but having to tuck away those sufferings and emotions alone, is painful. 

Mun Seo Ha, I just want to give him a warm hug. Seeing how he grew up with guilt and full of mournfulness ached my heart. Especially when flashbacks of the accidents are coming back haunting him, I can't imagine how bruised his heart is enduring his immense grief. The presence of Ban Ji-Eum in his life is a remedy for his bleak life. Sometimes, I want to shout out that she is the Ji-Won he has been longing for! Ahn Bo-Hyun totally succeeded in demonstrating his character and captivating the viewers' sympathy, I applaud that!

The other characters are all endearing and phenomenally presented. Yoon Cho-Won undeniably showcased her charms as the younger sister of Ji-Won with her bubbly and clumsy personality, but also exuding her honesty and unwavering determination in expressing her feelings to Ha Do-Woon. Ha Do-Woon may seem blunt and aloof, but considering his rough upbringing from losing his father at such a young age, having to take the role of the provider of the family to raise his only brother, and crawling his way out to make a better life for them both, it is no wonder why he closed his heart and set up a wall against emotional feelings. Constantly in a survival mood and being tense and cautious, it is difficult for him to let people come closer as one might get hurt in the process. I was endearingly rooting for them both, and I am glad they worked out in the end (':

I really adore the dynamic of all the characters. Ae-Gyeong is such a precious character that I want to protect with all my heart. I am very happy that she got to reconnect back with her 'uncle' and share the happiness together, my heart is full <3

Lessons I learnt

1. Do not wait for the right moment, the right time is now.

2. When you care for people, there will be people who care for you too.

3. Life is not meant to be 'solved', it is meant to be 'lived'.

V e r d i c t

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It is my new comfort drama. Despite the comments about how the characters aren't deep enough and how the story is rushed, I find myself not thinking the same! For me, the director and screenwriter did a great job in introducing each character and showcasing them in a way viewers could empathise with them deeply. Especially the childhood scenes, those are the main scene stealers! Combined with the eye-pleasing cinematography and endearing soundtracks, they rode our emotions successfully. I also applaud how they managed to make such a vibrant and witty script while maintaining the underlying somber tone throughout the story. They stroke the balance perfectly that I can't ask for more. As much as I would love the story to be 16 episodes long, I do think 12 episodes is a perfect choice. There is a lot of loose being unthreaded, or as they said, 'loopholes'. But I don't think it's necessary to explain everything, as it might take away the enigmatic essence and excitement of the storytelling. I also like to think of it as a way that the scriptwriter gives us the chance to let our imagination wander (:  

8.5/10

Q u o t e s

“Everything in life has an end, and everyone experiences loss.” 

“No one ever fully matures in their life. We just pretend to be.”

“I’ll learn things gradually. And change things gradually, too.” 

"Our souls will become one, and we will find peace."

Burning brightly.

 It took me 21 years to truly realized how blessed I am.

Blessings come not just in the form of materials; money, and achievements. But it comes in all little things in an unexpected way. You just need to search for it. 

In the first semester, I worked very hard. It was a cold, isolating moment where I pushed myself to the edge. Feeling hopeless and questioning everything I've worked on until now. I fell into despair and was locked in a long tunnel with no way to reach the beams of light. 

But now, I started to see how my hard work is paid off. It just comes one by one, that it feels surreal how Allah is blessing me with all of this. It kinda feels like I am undeserving of all of this. That these are temporary and I can just fall back into that spiralling darkness again. 

Those are nonsense thoughts. A bit pessimistic.

I try to keep this momentum, to work even harder. Since Allah has blessed me with things I never expected before, and surrounded me with kind and beautiful souls, I couldn't retract and run away, or devour in the pleasure and strayed from my original purpose. The blessings are a means as a tool for me to use to lead my life better. To aid me in my plan towards realizing my purpose in life. A purpose that seems too overwhelming to bear, but I couldn't choose otherwise. 

This semester, I feel like maybe I kind of pushed myself a bit over the edge. I experimented with things, and see how far can I go. Playing on the boundaries of your comfort zone is never an easy job. But I know I needed these so I can develop myself. By stretching my 'training field' in this life, I can acquire much more. Though it was hard, I'm glad I did it. 

Some people might say I pushed myself too much, that I am too 'ambitious' for no reason, and that burnout-ness will soon crawl into me. They are not wrong though. But I am doing these knowing the consequences. I believe humans are made to not stay in the same place for so long. When you have your purposes, when the flame in your heart keeps blazing and burning the coal inside your body, it is hard to settle for less. As for myself, I know that I am not carrying only myself, but also the hopes and prayers of my parents and my loved ones, which are unconditional. I am not the only one sacrificing in this journey. My parents have worked so hard in their life to let me chase my dreams. How can I stay still and let their sacrifices be in vain? These thoughts make it hard for me to stay in my comfort bubble and only resort to easy and conventional paths like everyone else's. Though sometimes it is overwhelming to bear, my excitement and hopes for the future exceed it all. I know that for every step I make, I try to be mindful of everything. I am not doing this to live a 'hustling gen z' life, or as an 'overachiever who can't take a break'. I am doing this because I want it. Because I have my own purposes that I fight for. Surely, overwhelmedness and burnout are inevitable. But that's part of the process. Just like how a laptop can overheat in long use, we humans go through that too. So, it is important to acknowledge these signals, embrace them, and treat them as a part of the journey. Not as a hindrance that breaks your hope. 

Be mindful, be purposeful.

I am a sinner, and I have a lot of shortcomings. But I hope, the flame in myself won't fade. Until I go further, a bit more, a little bit more. If Allah wills, I will keep working and striving for more. Until I can proudly say I lived a meaningful life. If Allah is with me, there is nothing that can stop me.

I wish to burn brightly,

then wilt, like a flame 

- 애신, 미스터 션샤인

bucharest, 7:15 a.m