18.02.26 first day of internship - cancer research

just by the window, i see the reflection of myself being superimposed with the dried up tree being illuminated by the ground light bottom-up. i am wondering if trees have feelings- do they feel restless when their leaves started to wilt and fall down? do they feel saddened when people are no longer adoring their flowers when they are all gone? do they shiver and shudder under the freezing cold breeze when they’re now naked with no warmth to cover them up?

if only trees can talk, perhaps we can learn a lot more about life.

and just like trees, our life consist of phases- when we are thriving, when we are blooming, when we are wilting, and when we have nothing else on ourselves.

maybe they’re made ‘silent’, so we can think about the lessons ourselves. because when we are told, we never listen- typical arrogance of human beings.

—

I was on my way back from my work place. It is my first day of offline internship, which coincides with the first day of ramadan, masya Allah (: after much drama and hurdles due to my low immunity test (that blocks me from doing any laboratory work), countless visit to the doctor, taking blood test and shots of vaccination (okay maybe i’m just being dramatic), I am finally cleared of the access to start working in the lab, alhamdulillah (:

i was very stressed out in the past few months, trying to find a place that can host my for my internship- i was ready to settle down in any- as long as i got a spot. But alhamdulillah, Allah was being very generous in putting me in one of the most incredible and most exciting lab, where i will be working on cancer neuroscience- specifically glioma brain cancer! I know deep down I’ve always had this immense fascination towards human brains, and now I am able to work in the lab where they pioneer niche research topics in this field! I can’t wait to work more alongside these amazing people and learn from them on how to be a truly ‘scientist’, insya Allah (:

today was the first day, so it was quite chill. Since there was some IT problem, I was not able to access my work email yet (sadly), which kinda put me back from doing any (tedious) administrative work (and some trainings i need to take!). So, tomorrow I will be back to the lab to settle this. Andddd I will start shadowing some other researchers on their experiments!! I will be learning about the expansion microscopy (where you expand a sample in a special gel to visualise small molecular structures in high resolution with fluorescence), HIC (histo-immunochemistry staining of samples), and hopefully some imaging of brainods (lab-made brain!!). Lots of exciting stuffs to explore!

Soooo, i gotta be more rajin and read more literatures and watch a ton of youtube videos to prepare tonight!

The 9y-old me would never thought that I will be working on such… imporant thing- to contribute in finding the cure for cancer, and to work at the largest German scientific institution alongside amazing and brilliant researchers, alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Though the road will be bumpy and full of challenges, may Allah ease everything amin…

To starting off a new chapter, bismillah <3

Bgm: quiet room by oh hye joo

18:03,

heidelberg germany

20.01 what I learnt this semester (part 1- maybe tbc?)

Currently I am in the direct train from Paris to Zurich, Switzerland. This is my first ever trip out of France, after settling down in Paris back in September this year. 

Back then when I was finishing my final semester in Bucharest, Romania, I thought it’ll be a 'smooth' transition to starting my master. My focus was only that ‘oh it will be in English so I wouldn’t suffer as much as studying in Romanian’. But heck no, I was completely humbled by this semester.

The first 2 months was a harsh ride, that for the first time in my life I questioned my decision to be in academia- ‘maybe I’ve been deluding myself all this time, I am not a suit for academia, let alone to be an educator later on’. I feel blocked and hopeless. It felt like my degree was a joke that now I know nothing.

So these series of self-doubting lead to countless episodes of spiraling and being numb during the nights- a repetition of self-destructing cycle. 

Now that the semester has ended, I am trying to glimpse back over the thorny road, and reflect back on how the journey tries to teach me.

'Life-long learning requires not only curiosity, but also humility'

 This is something that I just learnt. I used to think that curiosity is the main drive when it comes to learning. And that effort will follow through as long as my curiosity stays ignited. But I missed other important aspect, which is to have the ‘humility’. I think all these times, things have went quite 'naturally' for me. I know that as long as I put effort into something, I will achieve my goal in the end- at least when it comes to learning science. And that’s how I’ve been tackling my education. Start with a curiosity, a plan, a drive, a commitment = reap the success. And most of the times, this formula work perfectly fine throughout my secondary education and undergraduate.

But things are not the same at postgraduate level. Yes, the content is mostly an extension of things we learnt in the past. But at a master’s level, we are expected to not only absorb the new information like a sponge and regurgitate them later on in examinations, but to engage with everything critically, to think behind the logic and the designs behind what leads to this new exploration, to rationalise the methods, the troubleshooting, and the whole process of experiments- and most importantly, to learn how to critically interpret the obtained data and lead new discussions and initiatives.

I think I was stuck at first because everything was new to me. To my (very-own) defence, my bachelor program was biochemistry-heavy that I was very minimally exposed to molecular techniques by practical. By theory, I know them, but I never interpret any of the data before. Even understanding the bands on agarose gel and knowing that tubulin is commonly used as a control in Western Blot are completely new for me (to my surprise my friends who’re taking biology in the first semester in their bachelor’s are already trained on this???). Secondly, my bachelor’s thesis was more of biophysics, rather than molbio or even biochemistry itself (i mean I did my thesis experiments at a nuclear engineering research centre soo…). And lastly, I did my degree in romanian, which means I would’ve missed some of the context and details of some concepts due to language barrier. 

But is it fair to lament on what I ‘lack’ and blame the ‘past’? 

Absolutely not! In academic, and other aspects of life, we will never have a smooth journey in pursuing something (or at least to some degrees of difficulties). Back then, I was just focusing on the past-

why I didn’t work harder during my bachelor’s?
why I didn’t ask more questions?
why I didn’t independently explore beyond what I was studying in?
why I didn’t try harder to learn romanian so I didn’t miss anything my profs said?
why did I even choose this program knowing that it might be different from what I’ve known previously?

Questions upon questions keep me in the spiralling agonising loops. Growing up, I’ve always been pretty secured of whatever choices I made- I am confident that I can do my best in any path I choose (in academic). Of course not all decisions made are the best one seen at the moment, but I am always good in focusing to what’s ahead and what I can control, instead of just peeking to the past and blaming my past self-

‘forward and forward, always’
- quote from The Shepherd King duology

But this one is different. Because I thought I already have everything- learning it in English, in my dream university with my dream scholarship, at the ever-charming city of Paris. What more can I ask for rather than just focusing on getting the best grades I can? Maybe you reading this would’ve thought it’s a ‘first-class’ problem- oh very pompous and trivial as it seems…

However, as someone who always put her worth on her grades (since that’s the only best thing she can do and work for…), failing to keep good marks feels like the end of the world. The perfect marks record I’ve been trying hard to keep since I was little… it all crumbles down in a second.

“That means that all the damage I got isn't 'good damage'. It's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it and all those years I was miserable was for nothing." - Diane, BoJack Horseman

Perhaps it was not the consistency in success that I was protecting, but rather, the ego swaddled in perpetual fear and ignorance. Rather than building a strong core throughout learning - the grades serve not as an extension of the efforts being put, but rather it becomes the most superficial layer of the fragile crux of my intelligence-being. That’s rather saddening to hear, isn’t it?

It is until I heard this phrase from one of Maudy Ayunda’s video that other than curiosity, having humility is the quintessence of truly learning with an open heart and mind. Curiosity without humility is just pure ignorance and arrogance. 

‘If you are the smartest in the room, that means you are in the wrong one.’  

It is by having the humility in accepting that you know less/nothing about something, that you will persevere to put effort into climbing the learning curve, even though at first you will feel like the dumbest ever. I think since I grew up with the mindset of scoring 'perfect scores' in everything (typical asian standard hahahaha), the thoughts of needing to start back from the drawing board and showing how vulnerable I am- and worst, how ‘dumb’ I am, these scare me. I feel the need to 'live up' to the expectation of the ‘perfect model student’ who’s always on top everything and did everything perfectly despite the backdowns. It feels like for every bumps I stumbled on, I need to show that I can somehow defeat them afterwards- making a perfect ’saviour complex arc who overcome through everything in her way’. Which is honestly, what a hypocrite way to live life- because that's just performing, not being human. 

That’s why this semester, despite getting the lowest grade among my peers, despite almost ‘failing’, despite being the ‘dumbest’ in the class- I am actually grateful for it.

For the first time in my life (in terms of academic), I know that I can do nothing but to do my best, BUT- to also leave it all to Allah. This journey has humbled me IMMENSELY in a way I never expected. Now, I not only strive to put my best into what I want, but to have humility. Failing does not scare me anymore (well it still IS but let’s pretend I got over it), and I have the free will to do things my way, even if it is messy- as long as I put my niyyah in the right path, and know that Allah sees even the littlest effort I put as small as atom, not the outcomes (:

—

Welp my train is arriving soon to Paris (yes I started this entry nearing my journey to Zurich, and continued it on the way back to Paris). So, I will be continuing the next part on another entry (: (promise not promise hihi).

Perhaps, I would want to end my very-much-transparent-ranting entry with a prompt for you:

When was the last time you felt so hopeless? Now look at yourself now, how you’ve survived then till now! So, was that ‘hopeless’ moment a curse, or a blessing in disguise? 

(if you want you can share with me in the comment or privately-through any medium :)) 

bgm- bimbang by melly goeslaw

Love, 

Heba

22:23

en route from Zurich to Paris

20.01. 2026 

15.01.26 the end of one semester (master y1)

 The church bell is echoing its ringings, the cloud march slowly along the chilling air, and the sun is taking its refuge after a long, long day.

I just finished my (very) final exam of my (very) first semester in Sorbonne. What do I feel about the exam? diabolical. What do I feel about myself? -peacefulness?

As expected, I wasn’t able to answer everything, but, I am happy how much I’ve came so far. If the past me is to take this exam herself, she wouldn’t be able to understand the figures and experiments at all, let alone to devise a critical analysis and to infer a logical conclusion. However this time, I can see how I improved over the semester- the mountain that I thought I wouldn’t be able to pass. I managed to reach the summit, though barely (and perhaps a low summit, to some people’s standard).

One thing I realise the most is now I am focusing more on my internal progress during the process, rather than the end results (aka the grades). As someone who’s used to keeping the ‘perfect’ marks, maintaining straight As, craving those ‘academic validation’, this is a huge leap. Though of course, it would be amazing if I can keep it up- just as what i’ve been doing during the past 1.5 decades. But now, rather than working for the external validation, I want to focus on the internal growth- the concrete, real thing- even if they seem small and slow. 

I think that’s what i need at this moment and stage of life. 

It’s a realisation that I’ve been focusing only on the wrong metric. A diversification of self-evaluation is much needed if I want to truly progress. I think that’s a good thing. 

Since the very beginning of the semester, I’ve been questioning my whole decision of doing my master here. 

‘Is this the right choice?’ 

‘should I have taken other master which is more relevant to my pre-existing background?’, 

‘what if I am skewing my own grades and track record that I’ve been trying to so hard to build?’

It was a messy mix of imposter syndrome, anxiety, and the fear of failing. Which is very humane.

But perhaps, I’ve been too comfortable in my own skin, using my own method to tackle the ‘academic system’ to get the perfect scores. I was in control, but that leaves no space for me to grow, to expand my potential, ‘to fail’, to re-evaluate what i’ve done. I have caged myself in the same old ‘IOS system’, just because it’s what familiar- refusing the updates notifications everytime begging me to upgrade to new IOS verison, due to the fear of unpredictability and what comes next- even though i know the ‘new’ system would be ‘better’.

Perhaps this is what I truly need. And I am savouring it all, the up and down, the success and ‘failure’, the anxiety and relief- because I am just a human. Because I am in the process of becoming and being. 

And that’s all what matters (:

• 17:38, by the seine river (as always), in front of the notre dame cathedral, under the illuminating warm street light, with a heart of gratitude and relief.

15.01.2026

2025 ends with a swaddle of softness.

as an enthusiast for the gleaming orangey hues sky when the day is retreating back to its shore, my feelings are always on its zenith during the sunset. after a long day, i long for the time to basking myself under the sunset warmth, to sit in the quiet park, or to be by the beach, letting the stillness taking over my consciousness.

recently, i stumbled upon a a series of prompts in my feed, and one particular sentence struck my attention;

"do seafarers ever get bored of watching the sunset?"

 

trying to put myself in their shoes, i envy them. for the opportunities to oversee sunset in the vast sea without obstruction everyday, with its lights gleaming and sparkling on the waves- a view that i can only get when i stroll along the Seine river after finishing my classes at uni. 

but then, since it's a view they encounter everyday, have they ever get bored from it? even the most beautiful diamond can lose its charms in the eye of its beholder- sparks can fade by time, tempo can slow down when not maintained, and love can be diluted over time. is that the curse of being gifted of something beautiful? or is it actually a gift that shows us that nothing is actually permanent in this dunya?

reflecting back, how many times have i taken something for granted? - countless. 

 

maybe that's why Allah created things to be temporary- the family that lives in our heart, the life partner that we have longed for, the friends that we seek comfort from, the youth we're hanging onto, the health that's often overseen, and the time that keeps slipping away like the sand through our fingertips. Because it's in our primitive-humanistic nature that we'll only appreciate things if they're temporary- if we know there's an 'expiration date' for the connection to last. 

so, is it a curse, or a gift?

 

perhaps, if someone ask me what's the biggest lesson of my 20s, it is the art of letting go.  

having the privileges of growing up with cares, having my tank of loves filled by my family, i may have grown too complacent in appreciating what i have. now that i am entering my 5th year living abroad (crazyyy!), i have learnt to cherish the present more, and to be okay with goodbyes. some connections may last longer, but sometimes they are there just for a chapter of our book, or maybe just for a brief cameo along the lines in our book. though some friendships can be intense, once we part away, the connections can fade over time. and that's totally fine. 

i think we're too hung up to the concept of measuring a connection on how 'long-lasting' or 'durable' it is, and that, if it's getting cut and severed, that means it's not a 'real' or 'genuine' one. but i beg to differ. it seems like we've been using the wrong metrics in 'measuring' it. rather than time-wise, i think what matters more is how you actually felt at the moment of the connection- the intensity and the rawness, during the present while it lasts. and how it change you as a person; perhaps it's the story they told us that inspire us, perhaps it's the kindness they bestowed to us that we want to mirror to the others as well, perhaps it's their attitude and principles that we learn from, or perhaps, it's just their quiet presence during the time that we need the most. 

and once the connection is faded away, we might feel the regrets or somber- and it probably hurts. 

but the grief we felt is not a mere negative feelings, it is actually an attestment of how deep and real the connection was- it is a proof of being humans.  

it took me some times to realise this. I think it was only halfway of my journey abroad- the 3rd year, after I came back from Glasgow that I realised how life actually comes with different flavours at once- the happiness, the sadness, the regrets, the fears- and we can't just pick one 'flavour' and try to stick with it all time. It is the heterogenousity that adds to the complex taste- giving layers upon layers of 'flavours' and feelings that made life feels... alive.

back then, i tried not to be too attached to people- not because of the fear of losing, but the fear of being too dependant on others- since i know it will all be temporary anyway. though at that moment i didn't notice it and thought i was way better off by myself- to survive in my own bubble and island. and i hate to inconvenient others- asking for help feels like stripping myself away (still till now though). but i guess that's what it feels being a first-child when i'm used to do everything and figure things out by myself (not justifying it though). 

and i guess, this is what people nowadays would call being detached. took me a while to figure it out. i think to some extent it's nice to be able to detach from the worldly matters- because in the end of the day, nothing is guaranteed to last forever. but, rather than 'running away' or pretending it all didn't matter, we should embrace the privileges and rizq of having those around us- to appreciate them and do our best in being kind and graceful to others. rather than focusing on 'their roles' in our life, maybe it's time to look inwardly and ponder upon;

'why Allah brings me to their life? what is He trying to convey to them through me?'

it is the act of putting the effort to be the person that us ourself would want to befriend/be in love with (because how can you expect others to appreciate and be with you, if you can't stand being with yourself?) :'

SO, if there's another lesson i can say that i learnt in 2025, it is that to be truthful to our feelings and to stand for it. i think, especially in this age where showing our emotions and care to others seems daunting and even lowful(???)- because it made us prone to being disappointed in the end, people glorify being 'nonchalant'. not that it's entirely bad- everyone has their own way and capacity of expression emotions- and that's totally human. what we need is the 'discernment' of our own capacity of caring and showing up for others, AND how our emotions and attitudes can affect others. 

two weeks ago, i've written an entry that sheds light on modern society's take on emotional intelligence and how damaging the narrative can be when being used for self-defence without discernment (you can read it here). though most of the time, i still struggle of expressing my emotions verbally (that's why i like to write because i can organise my thoughts and articulate them better), i try to be more open and receptive to communication- especially if they are hard conversations. i think those kind of conversations are the ones that brings genuine connection- and truth is much more preferable than assumptions made in mind (:

so to recapitulate everything:

1. in 2024, my biggest lesson was that everything has a price, each of our action ripples consequences, whether it is small or big.

2. in 2025, my biggest lessons are to let things go, and let God. nothing is permanent in this dunya, but grief is also a blessing to show how much we have 'lived' and felt. 

3. lastly, to be truthful and not conceal my emotions anymore due to 'fear'. by not putting a blockage to my heart and mind, i open doors for genuine communication and connection to occur (:

and that, marks the end of my 2025. a year full of trials and blessings. alhamdulillah.

and may you who read this, will have the days to come in a gentle and peaceful way. may Allah protect us all in His blessings, and may we stay steadfast in our principles and in what we believe in, amin.

bgm- no one noticed by akmigone

*extra: my fav entries of the year (this year has been filled with lots of reflections and writings, yey!)

1. the art of believing despite anxiousness.

2. i want to live for you.

3. faith and courage- a heartfelt conversation with her (:

4. BJ Habibie and Germany

5. 21.11.25 - just by the seine river

first written on 31st of Dec 2025 (23:58), 

finalised on the 1st of Jan 2026 (20:20),

paris

in holding in the love you can’t hold.

 What will happen when you yearn to love, but you are unable to, at the moment?

When the love comes, and yet you’re still in the process of moulding your cup. Still sculpting its shapes, brushing its edges from sharpness, curving its surfaces with your fingerprints- still far from being perfect, not strong and big enough yet- to receive and hold the love. 

Would that be a big tragedy?

People, and melancholic books and movies often define this phenomenon as ‘the right person, the wrong time’. But, is that true?

Would it still be the right person, if you meet at the ‘wrong time’, clicking in every aspects, and yet still drifted apart by fate?

Would that still be the right person? 

Yearning and longing- I found these two as the most raw feelings you can have towards someone. It’s not about the grand gesture- ‘oh I will burn the world to show my love and die for you’. But, it is in the quietest, whispered form of professing your heart towards another soul when no one can hear nor notice it. It's when you wake up in the 3/4 of the dawn to whisper their name in your prayers. It’s like burying a secret deep in your heart, hoping no one would take a notice upon it. Because something unknown to humans poses no apparent consequences, and something known to God means reverence. 

Over my course of life, I’ve been shying away from this matter of love. Despite being the ‘hopeless romantic’ person, engulfing stories upon stories of two fiction souls who always find their way to each other before the ink and minutes run out, I still don’t know if the same ends will find me in real life. 

People say to be loved is to be seen. Two people can pour love and affection towards each other, but still feel ‘unloved’, just because their way of loving is ‘different’. It’s not just about the ’numerical effort’ being put into a relationship, but also the ‘metrics’ that’s being used for conveying the affection. 

To love is not to speak the same ‘language’, but to try to comprehend each other despite the ‘different languages’- to keep learning, over and over again. So both of us feel seen and loved. 

I guess that’s how I define what ‘love’ is. It is to keep learning and understanding the other person, and to fall in love over and over again with the different versions of them, as we discover new layers and dimensions of them over time. And to achieve this, communication is needed. 

I guess that’s the main key: ‘communication’. And for that to happen, we would need to lay ourself out in vulnerability, to be honest, and to face the hard conversations. Although that sounds daunting, that’s actually the ultimate way to finally establish a genuine connection in the rawest form of love.

and I found that’s a beautiful thing to do (: 

I guess all these times, I’ve been too caught up in my own world trying to ‘perfect’ my own cup, trying to control every outcome and possibilities, that I ended up cutting any opportunities for genuine connection to be made, and I thought that was the best decision to be made at that time. I thought I was doing the other person a favour in his place. 

But, someone just told me that I shouldn’t decide for the other person- as we all have our own right to love or not to love. I guess he is right. I’ve never thought it from that perspective before. 

To love is to give autonomy and trust to the other person. And whatever the outcome is, as long as it started with genuine intention and effort from both sides, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s positive or not, that’s just how life is. If it is not meant to be together, that means it was an experience for us to learn. After all, life is all about learning and reflecting from each person we encounter in life. 

We are a mosaic of everyone we meet and love. Maybe we are meant to share just a chapter together and move on, or maybe, just maybe, we are meant to complete a whole book together till the ink runs out (:

So until then, until the time comes when a soul is sure enough to enter my highly-defensed garden, to convince me to take the hand, I shall keep nurturing it with healthy soils and growth. I shall be content with myself, to be secured myself, to gain as much as knowledge is possible, to be a better and healthier version of myself, so that when the time comes, I can love the person in a way they deserve, and we can bloom and grow in our little cosy garden together. 

Because a healthy love should not come from a place of fear of losing each other, but it should come from a place of abundance and trust in each other. If we establish a relationship from a place of lacking and fearfulness, it will crumble in time. But if it is done from a place of wanting to be better together, with a good niyyah- to gain His blessings, we will be in His guidance. 

It is like the saying,

I am complete by myself, but together we become whole and better. 

And, isn’t it beautiful that Allah has actually preordained the name of our partner from 50,000 years ago, even before the heaven meets the earth??? To know that Allah has honoured us with a soul of His creation that’ll be in our amanah- to care, to respect, and to grow with them? What a beautiful order.

“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”  - Surah Ar-Rum (30:21)

In the end of the day, we only want to get comfort from the one we love. We only want a ‘safe house’ to come back to after dealing with the worldly-matters, so we can rest and find joys in the simple things. And so we can strive for His path in tranquility and peace together. 

So for those who are reading this, I pray may Allah let us reunite with the one destined for us at the best time and condition. Though the road may be long and bumpy, as long as our niyyah and intention is genuine, I am sure, it will all be fine (:

bgm 

- amin paling serius by sal priadi + nadin amizah

- i'd like to watch you sleeping by sal priadi

Tue, 30th of Dec 2025

00:007,

Paris