21. la revedere

 North-east of Scotland - St. Andrews & Dundee

It is 21st of January, and I will turn 22 in 9 days. 

22, what a lovely number. 2 is my lucky number. I just love how it looks like, and how ‘dua’, ‘doi’, and ‘two’ sounds in my ears. Right now, I am in the bus X24 from St. Andrews, patiently waiting till I got back home to Glasgow. It is going to be a tiring 3 hours journey, but my heart is delighted. 

22, I was sad because I will no longer be able to use my YoungScot card to travel freely around Scotland. Why 22? Why not 23? Such a terrible timing that my birthday happens to be earlier this year, ripping out the privilege I would have had if I am not 22 yet. That’s why I want to travel around Scotland as much as I can before the clock turns. However, I spent the most of my time in Scotland in 2023 physically-disabled. I couldn’t make use of my privilege to travel around. Then January came, but I only had 2 weeks left, 2 weekends. Though my heart screams to travel, and travel, but I have my responsibilities and commitments to settle. Study and work. Not that I am complaining of them, they keep me alive. But what a terrible timing. But I set out to travel anyway during my weekend, when I am used to be staying at the campus even on Saturday and Sunday. 

22, I was reluctant. People might thought I am a wanderlust traveller. It seems like I am always traveling and be out in the crowd. But no. I am actually a huge homebody. Staying at home is a joy for me. Solitary and silent is my delight. But, I am scared that I would run out of time if I don’t go out. I only have less than 1 year left in Romania. I only have 5 months more left in Scotland. I will not longer be 22, and have the energy and freedom away from adult responsibilities to travel out by my own. To pause what is left to me and seek the wonder. It’s the FOMO. How inelegant it may sounds. But I do have the FOMO of wasting my youth of not doing things freely. 2023, I travelled to Tubingen in Germany, Warsaw in Poland, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Coventry, Oxford, and London in the UK, and Sighisoara, Cluj-Napoca, Iasi, and Suceava in Romania. Majority are solo-travelling, which I prefer much. It was because I fear I would regret not visiting those cities. ‘If not now, when?’. Turns out, traveling is fun, especially if you are by your own. Hopping on the bus and train, with a cup of coffee and pre-made sandwiches tossed in the bag to save money, admiring the breath-taking views, striking architecture, random pleasantry exchanged between strangers, the feeling of independence. 

22, I feel like an adult for the first time. When I first moved to Romania in November 2021, I felt like the clock stopped ticking. I was still the 19-years old Heba who was super enthusiastic of living and studying abroad. I was still a petite 19-years old girl trying to find her place in this world. I was still the 19-years old girl who is willing to do anything to achieve her goals and dreams. I don’t consider myself as an adult. It scares me. The responsibilities and commitments that come with it. Being qn adult is not the most glorified thing, not a fact that one would like to boast of. 

22, just before I turn 22, I was still 21. NOW, I am still 21. I bought my first MacBook Air, with the hard-earned money I saved over the course of 2-3 years of living abroad. I also bought an Apple Pencil that I’ve been eyeing forever, though it is a second-hand. But I did it, big purchases in my early 20s. It does feel different when you bought something by your own money. It is not to be taken granted. I bought these to invest in my studies and future. For productivity purposes. And I am glad I did it. I guess I need to also thank Zahid for his priceless advice. It is never a waste to invest in something for your self. For the future you.

22, I got my first unofficial job! I am excited for my new role. But also, this means I need to manage my time wisely to juggle between my studies and work. I am also taking up more commitments this year, 6 different roles, 6 different responsabilities, 6 different commitments. I guess I feel ‘more adult’ now that I am not only preoccupied with studying. It is intimidating, and I don’t know how I am going to cope with everything. But it needs to be done, if I want to learn more, and improve myself. It is for the future me. 

22, I hope this year is going to be nicer to me. Not the external occurrences, by my attitude towards myself. Yes, I have a lot to do and to learn, yes, I will make silly mistakes, Yes, it is not going to be a smooth journey and you will get burnt-out by times. But it is okay . It is normal. It is not the end of the world if you don’t get to be on top of everything. Because after all, you are only a human. A human who strives to be better, not perfection. Because perfection is only for Allah S.W.T.

22, I am excited for you. 

21, till we meet again in memories. I would cherish you with my whole heart.

Love,

Heba

14:40, 

In the mist of Dundee, Scotland

@Edinburgh