SPM Straight As - Thoughts (2019)

Asssalamualaikum and hello!

It’s been months since the announcement of SPM results. I remember feeling nothing during the previous months I was isolating at Jakarta alone, but then freaked out about It once I set my first step of the year at Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA).

I remembered bombarding my friend about how anxious and scared I felt upon waiting for the results. The thing was that I done very badly in Addmath and Physics paper that I felt there’s no chance for me to get even an A-. Also that no one in KAA (Kelas Aliran Agama) in my whole years of studying there has ever gotten a straight As, considering how tough it is to be studying and focusing in 11 subjects at one (12 in my case). But even so, the thought of not getting a straight As alone makes me shivered because I’ve been expecting the results my whole life ever since knowing Dr Amalina’s achievement in SPM.

But, results. isn’t .everything.

That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself, and also a fact. I come to finally calm myself and not expecting much, as I know how hard I’ve worked all this time, I know myself the sufferings and things I’ve sacrificed, so it doesn’t matter what’ll the result be.

But, but, but.

Now I got another anxiety, of what people will think upon me. In others’ eyes, I’ve always been a top student, holding the great responsibility and high expectations from my teachers especially. My parents said they don’t care what my results will be because for them, what’s important is the value of what I learnt and they’ve witnessed how much I studied back then. But I’m afraid of giving my teachers disappointment, especially for those who taught me before. I’m afraid that I’ll need to dig a hole and hide myself on the results day because the attention would be on me.

But,

My friend told me that, the world isn’t revolving around me only. Yes, I’m the top student, but people wouldn’t be focusing on me all the time. ‘Ah.. you’re right, you’re right!’ Why I’m too cooped up in my whole self-centred world only?

I forgot that it wouldn’t be just me on the day, a lot and more students are just as nervous as me, or even more.



I wouldn’t be getting to fly high all the time, and that’s okay. It’s okay to have failure, because failing means there’s no other way going down anymore, the only way afterwards is reaching up and high.

The results day came. I tried to be as calm as possible upon reaching school. Passing the juniors eating in the hallway with calm and grace demeanour. But once someone approached me, those shield I’ve been putting on shattered. Cold sweat starting to be excreted. I feel the heat against the cold sweat beads on my face, and yes, I looked totally terrible that time. I can’t hide my nervousness anymore.

On 10 something, the results for 7As and above are announced. One by one, my friends went up to the stage with a grateful smile on their face. I can’t look up and started to text my friend at other school frantically, knowing that she won’t answer anyway since she’s also receiving her results there.

When it goes up to 10As, the whole world muted around me. I could hear and feeling nothing. It feels like I’m in one of those movie scene where the whole world are moving in fast-forward leaving me alone in confusion.

My friends around me told me that they’re sure I’ll get a straight As, though I denied frantically, I’m afraid of end up disappointing them too. Suddenly they asked me to sit in a ‘circle’ between them ( we were sitting on the floor that time ). And I was like NOOOO I wouldn’t get it.

And suddenly, boom, my name is called. And I was as clueless as forever, wait what is the result I got? I didn’t hear a thing from the announcement. And as clueless as a lost chick, I got up, and everyone around me applause for me.

I got up to the stage and it was written ‘Semua A’, and I started to cry lol. I literally couldn’t believe it, like, how did I even!? Okay I was embarrassed and regretted it that I cried lol, I think someone got my ugly face crying picture. I still couldn’t believe it till now, that’s why I only post about it once on my Instagram story.

 Because I don’t think I deserve this.

Though I did work really hard the past 2 years, but getting a 12 As, precisely 8A+ and 4A seems to be a dream. I was very sure that I did my Addmath and Physics very badly, I was even scared I’ll score badly in Biology and Chemistry too.

But I guess Allah wanted to tell me something by giving me this very gift that I don’t deserve. I still can’t say I’m a straight As student confidently, or share it to the world. Because this results isn’t solely achieved by my blood sweat and tears, but rather, they are actually a precious gift from my family, teachers, friends and other who always pray for me in their prayers.

So, I hope that this results would not only gives pleasure to my heart, but also as an inspiration to others too, especially to my very dear juniors.

I see this as not an achievement for me, but rather an obligation to help and share my experience and knowledge to others, so that they’ll have more faith and guidance in surviving their high school years. Thus why I’m trying to give tips on my Instagram and blog as the way of 'repaying' this back.

But sometimes I’m feeling hesitant to do so, what if it seems like I’m bragging? What if they don't even need it and I was the only excited one here? What if the tips aren’t even useful for them?

Those thoughts keeps haunting me and I got anxious again. I’m always overthinking in every of my actions both in real life and online because of this scaredy-cat heart of mine. But, I’ll try to chin up and be brave. Because my niat is to spread goodness and benefits to others. Anxiety shouldn’t be in my way for that. So I’ll try my best to overcome that :')

Lastly, if any of my junior are reading this (thank you!), please please please do not make your results as the sole goal of studying! Of course, it’s great to be the top student, getting praised and receiving awards, but if you makes your results solely dictate your value as a student, that’ll make you distressed and unhappy ☹ Getting any bad results doesn’t devalue yourself as a student and getting a better results does not means you are any better student than others.

What’s more important is your determination and keikhlasan in studying for the sake of getting the knowledge and understanding the world, not only for exams. What’s important is your attitude as a student, towards menuntut ilmu and action towards your teachers and friends. Since I was young, my parents always tell me to not be stressed out because of exam results, just do you best and be ikhlas in studying, and insya Allah success will follow you in the end.

I guess that’s all now. Now onto the next stage of life. Im skek skskskdks but here we go. Please pray for me :’)

Love,

Heba

8:13 a.m,  19^th June 2020

(featuring mocha's wildness and whitney's curiosity)

(my dad edited this for me >.<)