Farewell, 2022

 It is 8:37 pm here, in Bucharest.

31 december, the last day of the year 2022.

At lot has happened this year. Recapping this year, it feels like a long, yet short ride of unexpected, frizziness, blessings and tears.

I finished my romanian language preparatory year at ASE, then summer came, a short yet thrilling one, my very first summer here in. I feel like everything escalated very rapidly and swiftly that I lost the trail of the story of my year that I would like to write here.

But despite everything, I always find myself back to the last day of high school in Malaysia. It was 3 years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. I think that was the moment when my life started to find its way, forming turns and returns, being convoluted and twisted. My days are never a normal one after that day. 

Everything that happened in between that day, until today, was a hazy one. It feels like a dream, a long dream that got me wondering sometimes; how do I get here?

Others who saw my life through my social facade, would perceive me as a girl with such big enthusiasm and inspiration in life, well that's the persona I chose to wear to the world, but they wouldn't know how much I am coping and surviving day by day right now. From early on in my life, a little girl who has the biggest dream in her life, along the way of life, of growing up, has sacrifices a lot, to get where I am now. I know it's not going to be a smooth road, but I thought the road would at least be accompanied by light. Yes, the light is there, though it is a dimmed one, but I never expect it is going to be this dark. Just like what Ji-Ho said, it feels like you are walking in a dark tunnel, you can see there's the light at the end of the tunnel, but every step towards it feels heavy, and you are consumed by the loneliness.

“When I decided to follow my dream, I thought my life would be like walking through a dark tunnel. But I didn’t know it was going to be this dark. I didn’t know it was going to be this lonely.” 

- Ji Ho , BTIMFL episode 2 

Loneliness. It doesn't mean that I am in need of someone by my side, I always enjoy the serendipity of being on my own, the quietness, the calmness, and the tranquillity away from the headache of being in the middle of people's affairs. I love to be away from the hecticness of sensory reality. But what I mean here is the loneliness when I feel detached from my own self. From the blazing 'me' that is always flamed with passions and hopes in life, the reflective 'me' that is holding the melting candle of life very dear to her heart, the ardent 'me' that is always intense in emotions despite the bleak of life, with fervent desires to 'feel'.

That's what I mean.

It is the loneliness, that makes you feel empty.

That's the nightmare I am fearful of. The feeling of nothingness.

Life, is a constant pursuit of yourself. Some people do not even know themselves till the last breath of life, and some people let others to dictate their very life, on how to live, how to think, and how to treat themselves. 

Well actually, screw that.

I don't even know myself, what right do I have to assume other people's lives?

That's actually the problem. 

In the pursuit of finding the truth of ourselves, there are other people along the way. The variables, if you would called it. The existence of the 'variables' could affect your life in a good, or a bad light. Despite how pessimistic I sounded in the previous paragraphs, I would actually say that this is actually the answer, the variables. From meeting each individuals, you carry a piece of them by your heart, no matter how huge or minuscule it is, you're never the same person as before. 

"Having someone walk into your life is actually a very astonishing thing. That's because they bring their past, present and their future with them. That's because, someone's whole life comes along with him. The heart is fragile, therefore, it might have been broken. That heart is coming too."

Each soul, each encounter, is like flipping pages of a never-ending book, with each pages telling different tales. You never know what'll happen in the next page. Some pages could be fast-paced and makes your heart thump, and some could be slow-paced, keeps you pondering and wondering about the meaning. Some will give you frown on the forehead and frustrations, while some will make you unknowingly smile weakly and feel the familiar warmth around your heart.

How beautiful it is? 

As you try to find the answer for yourself, you also discover bits and bits of yourself from each random encounter. It isn't supposed to only apply to human, but also towards the inanimates; the natures, the musics, the sky, the weather, the crisp wind brushing your cheek coldly in early winter. It is all there.

The answer, that we've been looking for, it is all there. It is everywhere.

It's just sometimes we are too blind to see them.

Happy new year (:

samobor, summer 2022

Love, 

heba

11:59 p.m., bucharest