18.02.26 first day of internship - cancer research

just by the window, i see the reflection of myself being superimposed with the dried up tree being illuminated by the ground light bottom-up. i am wondering if trees have feelings- do they feel restless when their leaves started to wilt and fall down? do they feel saddened when people are no longer adoring their flowers when they are all gone? do they shiver and shudder under the freezing cold breeze when they’re now naked with no warmth to cover them up?

if only trees can talk, perhaps we can learn a lot more about life.

and just like trees, our life consist of phases- when we are thriving, when we are blooming, when we are wilting, and when we have nothing else on ourselves.

maybe they’re made ‘silent’, so we can think about the lessons ourselves. because when we are told, we never listen- typical arrogance of human beings.

—

I was on my way back from my work place. It is my first day of offline internship, which coincides with the first day of ramadan, masya Allah (: after much drama and hurdles due to my low immunity test (that blocks me from doing any laboratory work), countless visit to the doctor, taking blood test and shots of vaccination (okay maybe i’m just being dramatic), I am finally cleared of the access to start working in the lab, alhamdulillah (:

i was very stressed out in the past few months, trying to find a place that can host my for my internship- i was ready to settle down in any- as long as i got a spot. But alhamdulillah, Allah was being very generous in putting me in one of the most incredible and most exciting lab, where i will be working on cancer neuroscience- specifically glioma brain cancer! I know deep down I’ve always had this immense fascination towards human brains, and now I am able to work in the lab where they pioneer niche research topics in this field! I can’t wait to work more alongside these amazing people and learn from them on how to be a truly ‘scientist’, insya Allah (:

today was the first day, so it was quite chill. Since there was some IT problem, I was not able to access my work email yet (sadly), which kinda put me back from doing any (tedious) administrative work (and some trainings i need to take!). So, tomorrow I will be back to the lab to settle this. Andddd I will start shadowing some other researchers on their experiments!! I will be learning about the expansion microscopy (where you expand a sample in a special gel to visualise small molecular structures in high resolution with fluorescence), HIC (histo-immunochemistry staining of samples), and hopefully some imaging of brainods (lab-made brain!!). Lots of exciting stuffs to explore!

Soooo, i gotta be more rajin and read more literatures and watch a ton of youtube videos to prepare tonight!

The 9y-old me would never thought that I will be working on such… imporant thing- to contribute in finding the cure for cancer, and to work at the largest German scientific institution alongside amazing and brilliant researchers, alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Though the road will be bumpy and full of challenges, may Allah ease everything amin…

To starting off a new chapter, bismillah <3

Bgm: quiet room by oh hye joo

18:03,

heidelberg germany

20.01 what I learnt this semester (part 1- maybe tbc?)

Currently I am in the direct train from Paris to Zurich, Switzerland. This is my first ever trip out of France, after settling down in Paris back in September this year. 

Back then when I was finishing my final semester in Bucharest, Romania, I thought it’ll be a 'smooth' transition to starting my master. My focus was only that ‘oh it will be in English so I wouldn’t suffer as much as studying in Romanian’. But heck no, I was completely humbled by this semester.

The first 2 months was a harsh ride, that for the first time in my life I questioned my decision to be in academia- ‘maybe I’ve been deluding myself all this time, I am not a suit for academia, let alone to be an educator later on’. I feel blocked and hopeless. It felt like my degree was a joke that now I know nothing.

So these series of self-doubting lead to countless episodes of spiraling and being numb during the nights- a repetition of self-destructing cycle. 

Now that the semester has ended, I am trying to glimpse back over the thorny road, and reflect back on how the journey tries to teach me.

'Life-long learning requires not only curiosity, but also humility'

 This is something that I just learnt. I used to think that curiosity is the main drive when it comes to learning. And that effort will follow through as long as my curiosity stays ignited. But I missed other important aspect, which is to have the ‘humility’. I think all these times, things have went quite 'naturally' for me. I know that as long as I put effort into something, I will achieve my goal in the end- at least when it comes to learning science. And that’s how I’ve been tackling my education. Start with a curiosity, a plan, a drive, a commitment = reap the success. And most of the times, this formula work perfectly fine throughout my secondary education and undergraduate.

But things are not the same at postgraduate level. Yes, the content is mostly an extension of things we learnt in the past. But at a master’s level, we are expected to not only absorb the new information like a sponge and regurgitate them later on in examinations, but to engage with everything critically, to think behind the logic and the designs behind what leads to this new exploration, to rationalise the methods, the troubleshooting, and the whole process of experiments- and most importantly, to learn how to critically interpret the obtained data and lead new discussions and initiatives.

I think I was stuck at first because everything was new to me. To my (very-own) defence, my bachelor program was biochemistry-heavy that I was very minimally exposed to molecular techniques by practical. By theory, I know them, but I never interpret any of the data before. Even understanding the bands on agarose gel and knowing that tubulin is commonly used as a control in Western Blot are completely new for me (to my surprise my friends who’re taking biology in the first semester in their bachelor’s are already trained on this???). Secondly, my bachelor’s thesis was more of biophysics, rather than molbio or even biochemistry itself (i mean I did my thesis experiments at a nuclear engineering research centre soo…). And lastly, I did my degree in romanian, which means I would’ve missed some of the context and details of some concepts due to language barrier. 

But is it fair to lament on what I ‘lack’ and blame the ‘past’? 

Absolutely not! In academic, and other aspects of life, we will never have a smooth journey in pursuing something (or at least to some degrees of difficulties). Back then, I was just focusing on the past-

why I didn’t work harder during my bachelor’s?
why I didn’t ask more questions?
why I didn’t independently explore beyond what I was studying in?
why I didn’t try harder to learn romanian so I didn’t miss anything my profs said?
why did I even choose this program knowing that it might be different from what I’ve known previously?

Questions upon questions keep me in the spiralling agonising loops. Growing up, I’ve always been pretty secured of whatever choices I made- I am confident that I can do my best in any path I choose (in academic). Of course not all decisions made are the best one seen at the moment, but I am always good in focusing to what’s ahead and what I can control, instead of just peeking to the past and blaming my past self-

‘forward and forward, always’
- quote from The Shepherd King duology

But this one is different. Because I thought I already have everything- learning it in English, in my dream university with my dream scholarship, at the ever-charming city of Paris. What more can I ask for rather than just focusing on getting the best grades I can? Maybe you reading this would’ve thought it’s a ‘first-class’ problem- oh very pompous and trivial as it seems…

However, as someone who always put her worth on her grades (since that’s the only best thing she can do and work for…), failing to keep good marks feels like the end of the world. The perfect marks record I’ve been trying hard to keep since I was little… it all crumbles down in a second.

“That means that all the damage I got isn't 'good damage'. It's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it and all those years I was miserable was for nothing." - Diane, BoJack Horseman

Perhaps it was not the consistency in success that I was protecting, but rather, the ego swaddled in perpetual fear and ignorance. Rather than building a strong core throughout learning - the grades serve not as an extension of the efforts being put, but rather it becomes the most superficial layer of the fragile crux of my intelligence-being. That’s rather saddening to hear, isn’t it?

It is until I heard this phrase from one of Maudy Ayunda’s video that other than curiosity, having humility is the quintessence of truly learning with an open heart and mind. Curiosity without humility is just pure ignorance and arrogance. 

‘If you are the smartest in the room, that means you are in the wrong one.’  

It is by having the humility in accepting that you know less/nothing about something, that you will persevere to put effort into climbing the learning curve, even though at first you will feel like the dumbest ever. I think since I grew up with the mindset of scoring 'perfect scores' in everything (typical asian standard hahahaha), the thoughts of needing to start back from the drawing board and showing how vulnerable I am- and worst, how ‘dumb’ I am, these scare me. I feel the need to 'live up' to the expectation of the ‘perfect model student’ who’s always on top everything and did everything perfectly despite the backdowns. It feels like for every bumps I stumbled on, I need to show that I can somehow defeat them afterwards- making a perfect ’saviour complex arc who overcome through everything in her way’. Which is honestly, what a hypocrite way to live life- because that's just performing, not being human. 

That’s why this semester, despite getting the lowest grade among my peers, despite almost ‘failing’, despite being the ‘dumbest’ in the class- I am actually grateful for it.

For the first time in my life (in terms of academic), I know that I can do nothing but to do my best, BUT- to also leave it all to Allah. This journey has humbled me IMMENSELY in a way I never expected. Now, I not only strive to put my best into what I want, but to have humility. Failing does not scare me anymore (well it still IS but let’s pretend I got over it), and I have the free will to do things my way, even if it is messy- as long as I put my niyyah in the right path, and know that Allah sees even the littlest effort I put as small as atom, not the outcomes (:

—

Welp my train is arriving soon to Paris (yes I started this entry nearing my journey to Zurich, and continued it on the way back to Paris). So, I will be continuing the next part on another entry (: (promise not promise hihi).

Perhaps, I would want to end my very-much-transparent-ranting entry with a prompt for you:

When was the last time you felt so hopeless? Now look at yourself now, how you’ve survived then till now! So, was that ‘hopeless’ moment a curse, or a blessing in disguise? 

(if you want you can share with me in the comment or privately-through any medium :)) 

bgm- bimbang by melly goeslaw

Love, 

Heba

22:23

en route from Zurich to Paris

20.01. 2026