empty

                    

few days before a week of holiday
the feelings reassured me
like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders
finally, i can breathe
having time with myself
more
and more


okay this is actually overly dramatic , lol
but anyway, it's going to be holiday YIHIEEEEE!  ( holiday is my biggest forte :' )

here's some rant,
lately, i'm feeling not me. i feel like i am forcing myself to be others, contradicted with my old self. I used to butt in every thing, kepo kinda (but not to that ekstrem mak jemah style lah). But now,

i find myself floating in the air,
facing upwards,
eyes on clouds marching on the sea-blue sky,
flying away from the perilous on the ground,
to find peace,
which i concede
which i can't really distinct it,
wheter it's the true,
or a foul

when somethings occur, burst up (?), i feel the laziness to even tilt my head towards the cause. I ignore the blistering urge in my heart. Sometimes it is for good, but sometimes it made me resent myself for my action. 'why are you acting pathetically?' ,'why you become someone you detest the most back then?' 'why you want to be like others who ignore the world?'

these thoughts spiraling in my brain.

this started this year, for some reasons that i am kind of sure, and also not. Maybe because alternation of friends, surroundings, personal stuffs,
or even because of me, myself.
surely because of myself tho.

you can't blame others for who you are

 Some indecipherable things inside me trigger me to act this way.

am I telling you that I've changed? yes, perhaps. But actually, how far did I changed? How much it affects, penetrated my days , and friends?
oh actually, did I really changed at all? or all before this wereactually just an indistinct mask that i put up? The gleeful, vital, smiley girl.

haih, mollae. 


and if you are wondering (which of course no one would lol), no
no
i am happy and content. I don't suffer from depression, or anxiety. Wait, that's a lie, everyone has depression, anxiety but differs on certain degree. Mild of it would describe my situation.
I am okay with stuffs going, but
i'm just feeling a little hollow in my heart. And that one tiny hole has been disrupting me.

i tried to be positive, whenever i'm on the lowest, blooming a smile implicitly help me to start my day. another steps of life. another encounter. another spark of hope.

<3