15.09.25 first (grueling) day in master

It is 17:14, and I am sitting in the park of Grande Mosquée de Paris. This day has passed with almost 7 hours of laboratory work. 

It is my first day back at uni, finally starting my master. I have arrived in Paris about 2 weeks before, on 27th of September 2025. Those two weeks have been busy with settling down and bureaucracy stuffs, but I got to explore some neighbourhood in Paris, soaking in the local life.

Now that I am back at uni, I am supposed to be enthusiastic and delighted. However, it feels like there is a heavy stomp in my heart. Though finally I am happy that I can study in English, after the gruelling 3 years learning in Romanian, I thought my heart will feel more at ease, and I can study to my heart content here.

I am happy and grateful to be accepted to my dream university at Sorbonne, and to be granted this competitive scholarship by the French government. But I guess the great achievement also comes at a cost- a cost of imposter syndrome- the feeling of ‘not deserving’ and ‘not doing enough', 

And that’s exactly how I can describe my first day at uni. We started the semester with the practical block for laboratory (which is rather surprising I would say). I know I’ve always been weak in practical session- my brain processed things much slower and I am prone to making mistakes when doing something. And what made it worse is because I am the only one who does not have a lab partner- the worse nightmare for any student. This amplified my self-consciousness, and I had to handle 2-people work with just a pair of hand, under the pressure of time to follow all protocols perfectly. I was trying to fit in this fast-paced environment where everyone was being very engaging to answer all questions, while I sat, mouth-shut, not being able to follow the discussion. During the incubation time, everyone naturally were talking with their partner, as I was just being still- feeling like the chit-chatting around me transformed into deafening silent, and I was dissociated from the world. 

It was hard, and I think I almost had my breakdown- I was the last one to went out for lunch since I made mistakes in the protocol. So I had to eat lunch by myself (in which I actually don’t mind, but given the situation, I felt so loss as it was my first day at uni). Thankfully a random couple of Algerian love-bird adopted and helped me out to navigate my way in the every-busy cafetaria (so thankful they were being very friendly, even though they are way younger than me, the age of my youngest brother haha).

I texted my best friend back in Malaysia, trying to at least tell someone about my worries, and thankfully she replied very promptly and reassured me to not go hard on myself since it is the first day at uni.

“It’s okay, it’s your first day and you get to be with people who are greater than your previous environment. You’ve reached this level, which only means you’re only to be greater than before with the current environment”- quoting her. 

Her words soothed my conflicting heart. Yes, of course it is hard now. I am at a new environment, and at a top university where the students are mostly highly-intellectual with proactive attitudes. But this environment shouldn’t discourage me. With myself being here now, that means I belong here too. That means my voices deserve to be heard out aloud. That means I now have the privilege to learn from my amazing peers, not to be intimidated by them, but to become one with everyone else- to learn, and strive together. Isn’t that’s how living at university should be like? To be in the same space of people with same-alike passion and eager for learning, to share knowledge, and to learn from each other>

My first days have always been discouraging and intimidating- my first day at high school, my first day at tamhidi (pre-uni), my first day at Unibuc, my first day doing my first ever collaborative research, and now, my first day at Sorbonne. First day is always the hardest, and that’s not a sign for discouragement. Rather, it is a sign that I have a space to grow and learn more, that I am starting a new learning curve, that I am stepping out of my comfort zone, that I am going to do my very best again to appreciate this privilege of opportunity that Allah has bestowed me. 

So I should cherish it, go easy on myself, but never let the flame extinguished from my heart. 

And I hope for you who are reading this right now, you will also give yourself the grace for not starting out perfectly, it is okay, to not be okay.

May Allah ease everything for all of us, to remain steadfast in our niyyah, our goals, our effort to show up for ourselves, and may the following days will always be better than day one, amin ya rabbal alamin.

15.09.2025,

18:06,

in the garden of Grand Mosque, Paris 

july; the end of a chapter - bachelor's degree in Romania

The gleaming sky has darkened, leaving out the penetrating rays of lights that brightened the sky just an hour ago. I am now in the plane, leaving Romania for good (maybe?). 

I still can’t believe that my chapter in Romania has ended. Just a month ago, I finished my final exams in Romanian, just 3 weeks ago, I submitted my bachelor’s thesis, just 2 weeks ago, I defended my thesis in Romanian and got full mark for it, and just 24 hours ago, I graduated with a CGPA of 9,89. 

I am still yet to process everything. Especially since I’ve been in and out for the past 2 weeks- my days have been filled of me just living in the moment, cherishing the time together with my beloved Indonesian friends- who I consider as my backbone and second family here in Romania.

Though I am saddened by the fact that I will no longer share the laughter and tears together with them all- in the journey of navigating our ways as suffering-international students in Romania- I am glad that I got to create some intense-beautiful memories in the end. I am glad that I opened up to people more in the end, to let my self to experience the beauty of human intrapersonal relations, to soak in genuine friendship, and to just be ‘human’, for once- after closing myself off for years. 

I am glad that I got to spend my ‘final moments’ in Romania well, with the right people and right feelings (:

‘All good things need to ends for new to come’.

Goodbye has always been the hardest- no matter how many times I moved through countries, meeting new people, befriending them, and leaving them again. The chorus from ‘No one noticed’ by the Maris encapsulate this feelings perfectly 

‘Come on, don’t leave me — and then I’ll leave without a trace…’

- a yearning song by the Marias that's replaying in my minds at all time.

I genuinely believe that every soul we encounter in life comes because of a reason- whether it is just a brief encounter, or a long one. No words can express how grateful I am to the kind people I met during my 4 years abroad- 3 years in Romania and 1 year in the UK, and few weeks in between Croatia, Germany, and France. Though maybe they are not meant to stay in my life forever, every soul has left such a deep impression in me- with lessons and grace that I'll always carry even after we part away. 

I feel truly blessed to have met different beautiful souls- to learn something from them- sometimes unsaid, just from their subtle gestures, or how their eyes light up when they speak up from the depth of their hearts.

I am always a mosaic of those who I encountered and loved.

I find this to be the most beautiful way of explaining these phenomenon I felt (:

Thank you Allah for this blessings, I can never repay these as Your humble servant. 

The only thing I can do is to reciprocate the kindness and continue this chain of kindness to those I'll meet after- to act just like the polymerase in the PCR reaction (yes such a bad science pun- but of well what do you expect from a biochemistry graduate?) 

Now as I am landing to Dubai, everything feels more real now. I will have 19 hours more to go before arriving home in Malaysia. Though I am saddened by the fact that I am closing of a precious chapter of my life in my 20s, I am also excited to go back to my root- to mend what’s left behind, and to reminisce how far I’ve came (:

May Allah ease everything, amin.

In the sky over the sea to Dubai,

Heba

16th of July, 20:33 Romanian time

BJ Habibie and Germany

Once again, I am back in Germany for the second time. It’s been almost 2 years since I step into Germany. The first time was when I went to Tuebingen-Stuttgart for a summer school program on genetic engineering. I still remember the golden glistening sunset that welcomed me once I arrived in Germany. I couldn’t help but feel such fuzzy feelings in my heart, knowing that I finally reach Germany, fulfilling the dream of ‘little heba’ to study in Germany.

Just now, I departed from Frankfurt after finishing the project at the European Parliament in Strasbourg, France. As usual, I fixated my gazing towards the window of the airplane, despite seating next to the aisle. Wherever I am , my gaze is always be directed to the sky- as if my body is receiving an instruction subconsciously. 

Innately, I am someone who’s full of aspirations and eagerness to see the world beyond what it is. Perhaps that’s why I always look for windows- to look at the sky- as if doing so allows my mind to wander itself in a non-isolated medium; to let my imagination sprout without limitation and borders. 

Even when I am brainstorming answers during the examination, I always look up to the sky (or in this case; ceiling)- it’s a natural act of mine that I just noticed. More so when the shy moon is peeking up in the sky- I can't turn my gaze away from her beauty. And the vastness and 'emptiness' of sky- painted by hues and blushes of colours- they make me feel calm inside. 'Less earthy-ly stimulus'. 

Anyway, back to where i am now- in the Airbus 380. Whilst looking out to the plane window, I can’t help but to think about BJ Habibie. For Indonesians, Germany is being synonymed to BJ Habibie, the bright mind that paved pathways for Indonesians to broaden their wings to Europe- to dream the impossible and have the courage to go forward and beyond.

Hence, since I am in the plane now, I can’t help but to relate these to things to him; airplane, and Germany. 

Some thoughts that crossed my mind; ‘He must’ve been to Frankfurt, right? I wonder how the world looks like when he was just my age, with hot blood running in himself, embarking his studies in Europe, away from his comfort and loved ones. 

Was he having the same conflicts as I am now? How much has he sacrificed to come this far? What keeps him going on despite the adversities?’

I try to put myself in his shoes- to imagine living a life full of dedication and perseverance to build a better future for himself, family, and for the future generation to come. 

‘Has he always been full of ambitions and aspirations? Has he always be living with such vision?.’

I am wondering how he was as a person at my age, if I am to meet the young BJ Habibie- 'what kind of conversations we would have had together? Will we be talking about such aspiration and vision full of hopes and dreams? Or maybe we’ll just be having normal conversation, ranting to each other and whining about how hard it is to live as an international student?— since he is also a normal human being who’s not an exception towards the harshness of adulting process?

Of course, I will never find out about it (unless I can travel back in time and meet the younger version of him). 

Or maybe, just MAYBE, I will meet someone like him unexpectedly, when my path cross with that person— who shares the same aspiration and hopes for building a better future, not just for ourself, not just for our family, but for the generations to come… maybe, just maybe, I will be lucky enough to stumble upon someone like that.

20:55, joi 29th of May 

- in the sky of Frankfurt, Germany en route to Bucharest, Romania

love and mundaneness- a realisation

In my tiptoes to finishing my degree, I’ve never given much thoughts on the subject ‘love’.

For years, I am always occupied with what I have in my plate- getting the best out of my uni years. If I am not busy studying, I’ll be busy volunteering or working on some projects. I collected responsabilities like a pokemon card- I cherish my time too much that I don’t want to 'spend' them into something uncertain such as ‘love’.

Looking back, I think I did a great job in keeping focused and adamant on my goals and responsibilites. However, I realised that I might have framed ‘love’ wrongly, or at least, in a very narrowed dimension.

Not only to romantic feelings, but I guarded myself from any kind of warmth that the world has to offer. I build a high wall upon myself, shielding myself away from everything, including friendship and familial. I thought, opening up myself will make me vulnerable, and giving away my time will make me loss more of the time for myself. 

However, as I live more and meet different kind of people, I realised that love is never a waste- it is what keeps the world going. Love is not meant just for romantics, but it’s the simple gesture of kindness, of attentiveness, of remembrance. 

It’s when we blossom a smile to strangers on the streets, when we open the door and wait for the next people to enter, the random message to a friend just to make sure they are doing fine, the random dinner hosting at one’s place filled with laughters and cosy moments, the unexpected hand holding out to offer help, the short walk in the park under the glistening sunset- it’s all the small and mundane things, never something grandiose. 

Especially for people at my age, I think people are afraid to let themselves to soak in this ray of 'effortless' love. We used to think love as something big with huge sacrifice, that can only be intimately experienced between two lovers. But love is all around us, and it's always there.

Maybe we're just too blinded by our fears to actually realise it.

And for this note, I hope you, who are reading this, will not be afraid to embrace the love given, and to give love to people around you.

Because no matter what, love is never a waste.

15:18,

25th of May,

Sky of Germany

another adventure: first step in empowering education?

 [Mai 25 ’25]

It’s 1 hour into my flight to Frankfurt. Yesterday, I just finished the 4th exam I have on biochimie clinica si hematologie. I didn’t manage to do my best, as I was juggling with my thesis writing and preparation for uni project. But, I don’t blame myself much, as I think I have done my best in the situation I was in (:

So, what am I doing at Frankfurt? Well specifically, I am actually going to Strasbourg in France. Due to convenience, it is much better for me to take the flight to Germany, and take a connecting bus to France. Funny right?

Back in February, I got selected to represent my university and the alliance as a panelist to the European Student Assembly 2025, which is going to take place at the European Parliament in France! When the international office sent me application information, I wasn’t really expecting much. After all, I am a biochemistry student, and was never involved in anything political. Let alone public speaking and debating? I shied myself away from those.

But somehow, they put the trust in me to represent the alliance. I am the only one representing my university. Hence, I am taking a leap of faith to embark in this new experience, out of my comfort zone. I am grateful that in the past 2 years, I have joined several volunteering  and lead some projects- thus, i think have a pretty good organisational foundation? Though it was pretty challenging to work with international people remotely- juggling between drafting policy recommendations, having meetings, and finishing my final semester of degree, I am trying to embrace everything and to learn as much as I can! After all, I am deeply grateful for the opportunity and trust they put into having me onboard on this massive international project :'

ANNDDD what's more exciting is that I am working on drafting policy recommendations on education and lifelong-learning; something that I am deeply passionate about. Aside from my immense admiration in anything scientific, I am a huge advocate of education and accessibility. Thus, I hope that my participation in this program will serve as a major foundation for my effort to become an educator (and perhaps a policymaker?) in the future, amin (:

So I guess, see you at #ESA25? 

May Allah bless this journey and ease everything for me and everyone involved, amin ya rabbal alamin.

15:02,

25th of May,

In the sky between Romania and Germany

*update: i got 9/10 for my biochimie clinica exam!! 

Notes on Seven Brief Lessons on Physics - Carlo Rovelli

Physics used to be the most scary subject for me, as I couldn't bring myself to decipher its logics despite my relentless efforts during high school. 

At university, I rekindled back with physics as my professor taught it from the philosophical point of view, rather than just shoving theorems and calculations straight away. Thus, I started to read more physics book- and this one was my first try! I stumbled upon this copy at a local library in Bucharest, and I had to borrow it after reading the reviews.

This is not meant to be a review, but rather a compilations of key points and excerpts I extracted from reading this book back in summer '2022 (:

Seven Brief Lessons on Physics - Carlo Rovelli

• the fabric of space, origins of the cosmos, nature of time, phenomenon of black holes, working of our own thought processes

Lesson 1 - The most beautiful theory

🪐 Riemann’s mathematic

• space and gravitational field are the same thing
• Space keeps expanding
• Remnants of universe explosion 💥  (Einteon’s theory)

🪐 General Relativity

“Spacetime tells matter how to move and matter tells spacetime how to curve”

• John Wheeler (American Physicist)

Lesson 2 - Quanta

🪐 Quantum Mechanics

• Max Planck: father of the theory
• Einstein: the parent who nurtured it
• Niels Bohr: pioneered it’s development 

• quanta - packet of energy
• Photon for light (proved by Einstein)
• quantum leap- by Niels; in which electrons only take certain amount of energy to excite -> discrete

🪐 Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

“the uncertainty principle states that we cannot know both the position and speed of a particle, such as a photon or electron, with perfect accuracy; the more we nail down the particle's position, the less we know about its speed and vice” - Caltech

h - Planck’s constant 

• it’s not possible to predict where an electron will appear, but rather, by its probability
• ‘quantum mechanics does not describe what happens to physical system, but rather, only hope a physical system affects another physical system’

 

Lesson 4 - Particles

⚛️ Higg’s bosons

• quanta 

⚛️ Standard Models 

Lesson 5 - Grain of Space

General relativity and Quantum mechanics can’t both be right!

• Newton: universal gravity by combining Galileo parabolas and ellipses of Kepler 
• Maxwell: equation of electromagnetic by combining theories of electricity and magnetism 
• Einstein: relativity by resolving an apparent conflict between electromagnetism and mechanics

☄️ Loop quantum gravity

• an endeavour to combine general relativity and quantum mechanics

☄️ Plank’s star

-> the entire matter of sun is condensed into the space of an atom

• Not stable: condensed and rebound again: expansion of universe-> explosion of black hole 

Lesson 6 - Probability, time and the heart of black holes

🛰️ Heat

• previously thought of some sort of liquid ‘caloric’ from 1 or 2 liquids (hot and cold)
• Decided by James Maxwell and Ludwig Boltzmann
• the difference between the post and the future exist only when there’s heat

: pendulum swinging forever (momentum shall be initiated by every obtained from stationery point- not from stationary position

🛰️ Boltzmann

• movement of heat from hot too cold is due to sheer chance! - large degree of probability 

Thermodynamics- The Science of heat 

Statistical mechanics- the science of the probability of different motions

What is a hot gravitational field ? -> what is a vibrating time? ->  what exactly is the flow of time? 

‘To trust immediate intuitions rather than collective examination that is rational, careful and intelligent is not wisdom: it is the presumption of an old man who refuses to believe the great works outside his village is any different from the one which he has always known’ - p59

1. Quantum
2. Gravitational
3. Thermodynamic

In Closing - Ourselves

Mesocospic - 2014; details mapping of the brain structure of a mammal has been achieved

• scientists and philosophers are discussing about special ideas on how the mathematical form of the structures can correspond to the subjective experience of consciousness.

Giulio Tononi - Integrated Information Theory 

• an attempt to characterise quantitatively the structure that a system must have in order to be conscious
• When we are awake (conscious) VS asleep (unconscious)

‘Our appetite for life is voracious, our thirst for life insatiable’ - Lucretius (De rerum natura, III, 1084)