in holding in the love you can’t hold

 What will happen when you yearn to love, but you are unable to, at the moment?

When the love comes, and yet you’re still in the process of moulding your cup. Still sculpting its shapes, brushing its edges from sharpness, curving its surfaces with your fingerprints- still far from being perfect, not strong and big enough yet- to receive and hold the love. 

Would that be a big tragedy?

People, and melancholic books and movies often define this phenomenon as ‘the right person, the wrong time’. 

But, is that true?

Would it still be the right person, if you meet at the ‘wrong time’, clicking in every aspects, and yet still drifted apart by fate?

Would that still be the right person? 

Yearning and longing- I found these two as the most raw feelings you can have towards someone. It’s not about the grand gesture- ‘oh I will burn the world to show my love and die for you’. But, it is in the quietest, whispered form of professing your heart towards another soul when no one can hear nor notice it. It’s like burying a secret deep in your heart, hoping no one would take a notice upon it. Because something unknown poses no apparent consequences. 

Over my course of life, I’ve been shying away from this matter of love. Despite being the ‘hopeless romantic’ person, engulfing stories upon stories of two fiction souls who always find their way to each other before the ink and minutes run out, I still don’t know if the same ends will find me in real life. 

People say to be loved is to be seen. Two people can pour love and affection towards each other, but still feel ‘unloved’, just because their way of loving is ‘different’. It’s not just about the ’numerical effort’ being put into a relationship, but also the ‘metrics’ that’s being used for conveying the affection. To love is not to speak the same ‘language’, but to try to comprehend each other despite the ‘different languages’- to keep learning, over and over again. So both of us feel seen and loved. 

I guess that’s how I define what ‘love’ is. It is to keep learning and understand the person, and to fall in love over and over again with the different versions of them, as we discover new layers and dimensions of them over time. And to achieve this, communication is needed. 

I guess that’s the main key: ‘communication’. And for that to happen, we would need to lay ourself out in vulnerability, to be honest, and to face the hard conversations. Although that sounds daunting, that’s actually the ultimate way to finally establish a genuine connection in the rawest form of love.

and I found that’s a beautiful thing to do (: 

I guess all these times, I’ve been too caught up in my own world trying to ‘perfect’ my own cup, trying to control every outcome and possibilities, that I ended up cutting any opportunities for genuine connection to be made, and I thought that was the best decision to be made at that time. I thought I was doing the other person a favour in his place. 

But, someone just told me that I shouldn’t decide for the other person- as we all have our own right to love or not to love. I guess he is right. I’ve never thought it from that perspective before. 

To love is to give autonomy and trust to the other person. And whatever the outcome is, as long as it started with genuine intention and effort from both sides, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s positive or not, that’s just how life is. If it is not meant to be together, that means it was an experience for us to learn. After all, life is all about learning and reflecting from each person we encounter in life. Maybe we are meant to just share a chapter together and move on, or maybe, we are meant to complete a whole book together till the ink runs out. 

So until then, until the time comes when a soul is sure enough to enter my highly-defensed garden, I shall keep nurturing it with healthy soils and growth. I shall be content with myself, to be secured myself, to gain as much as knowledge is possible, to be a better and healthier version of myself, so when the time comes, we can bloom and grow together in our little garden. 

Because a healthy love should not come from a place of fear of losing each other, but it should come from a place of abundance and trust in each other. If we establish a relationship from a place of lacking and fearfulness, it will crumble in time. But if it is done from a place of wanting to be better together- to gain His blessings, we will be in His guidance. 

It is like the saying,

I am complete by myself, but together we become whole and better. 

And, isn’t it beautiful that Allah has preordained the name of our partner from 50,000 years ago, even before the heaven meet the earth? To know that Allah has honoured us with a soul of His creation that’ll be in our amanah- to care, to respect, and to grow with them? 

“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”  - Surah Ar-Rum (30:21)

In the end of the day, we only want to get comfort from the one we love. We only want a ‘safe house’ to come back to after dealing with the worldly-matters, so we can rest and find joys in the simple things. And so we can strive for His path in tranquility and peace together. 

So for those who are reading this, I pray may Allah let us reunite with the one destinied for us at the best time and condition. Though the road may be long and bumpy, as long as our niyyah is genuine, I am sure, it will all be fine (:

Tue, 30th of Dec 2025

00:007,

Paris