15.01.26 the end of one semester (master y1)

 The church bell is echoing its ringings, the cloud march slowly along the chilling air, and the sun is taking its refuge after a long, long day.

I just finished my (very) final exam of my (very) first semester in Sorbonne. What do I feel about the exam? diabolical. What do I feel about myself? -peacefulness?

As expected, I wasn’t able to answer everything, but, I am happy how much I’ve came so far. If the past me is to take this exam herself, she wouldn’t be able to understand the figures and experiments at all, let alone to devise a critical analysis and to infer a logical conclusion. However this time, I can see how I improved over the semester- the mountain that I thought I wouldn’t be able to pass. I managed to reach the summit, though barely (and perhaps a low summit, to some people’s standard).

One thing I realise the most is now I am focusing more on my internal progress during the process, rather than the end results (aka the grades). As someone who’s used to keeping the ‘perfect’ marks, maintaining straight As, craving those ‘academic validation’, this is a huge leap. Though of course, it would be amazing if I can keep it up- just as what i’ve been doing during the past 1.5 decades. But now, rather than working for the external validation, I want to focus on the internal growth- the concrete, real thing- even if they seem small and slow. 

I think that’s what i need at this moment and stage of life. 

It’s a realisation that I’ve been focusing only on the wrong metric. A diversification of self-evaluation is much needed if I want to truly progress. I think that’s a good thing. 

Since the very beginning of the semester, I’ve been questioning my whole decision of doing my master here. 

‘Is this the right choice?’ 

‘should I have taken other master which is more relevant to my pre-existing background?’, 

‘what if I am skewing my own grades and track record that I’ve been trying to so hard to build?’

It was a messy mix of imposter syndrome, anxiety, and the fear of failing. Which is very humane.

But perhaps, I’ve been too comfortable in my own skin, using my own method to tackle the ‘academic system’ to get the perfect scores. I was in control, but that leaves no space for me to grow, to expand my potential, ‘to fail’, to re-evaluate what i’ve done. I have caged myself in the same old ‘IOS system’, just because it’s what familiar- refusing the updates notifications everytime begging me to upgrade to new IOS verison, due to the fear of unpredictability and what comes next- even though i know the ‘new’ system would be ‘better’.

Perhaps this is what I truly need. And I am savouring it all, the up and down, the success and ‘failure’, the anxiety and relief- because I am just a human. Because I am in the process of becoming and being. 

And that’s all what matters (:

• 17:38, by the seine river (as always), in front of the notre dame cathedral, under the illuminating warm street light, with a heart of gratitude and relief.

15.01.2026