15.01.26 the end of one semester (master y1)

 The church bell is echoing its ringings, the cloud march slowly along the chilling air, and the sun is taking its refuge after a long, long day.

I just finished my (very) final exam of my (very) first semester in Sorbonne. What do I feel about the exam? diabolical. What do I feel about myself? -peacefulness?

As expected, I wasn’t able to answer everything, but, I am happy how much I’ve came so far. If the past me is to take this exam herself, she wouldn’t be able to understand the figures and experiments at all, let alone to devise a critical analysis and to infer a logical conclusion. However this time, I can see how I improved over the semester- the mountain that I thought I wouldn’t be able to pass. I managed to reach the summit, though barely (and perhaps a low summit, to some people’s standard).

One thing I realise the most is now I am focusing more on my internal progress during the process, rather than the end results (aka the grades). As someone who’s used to keeping the ‘perfect’ marks, maintaining straight As, craving those ‘academic validation’, this is a huge leap. Though of course, it would be amazing if I can keep it up- just as what i’ve been doing during the past 1.5 decades. But now, rather than working for the external validation, I want to focus on the internal growth- the concrete, real thing- even if they seem small and slow. 

I think that’s what i need at this moment and stage of life. 

It’s a realisation that I’ve been focusing only on the wrong metric. A diversification of self-evaluation is much needed if I want to truly progress. I think that’s a good thing. 

Since the very beginning of the semester, I’ve been questioning my whole decision of doing my master here. 

‘Is this the right choice?’ 

‘should I have taken other master which is more relevant to my pre-existing background?’, 

‘what if I am skewing my own grades and track record that I’ve been trying to so hard to build?’

It was a messy mix of imposter syndrome, anxiety, and the fear of failing. Which is very humane.

But perhaps, I’ve been too comfortable in my own skin, using my own method to tackle the ‘academic system’ to get the perfect scores. I was in control, but that leaves no space for me to grow, to expand my potential, ‘to fail’, to re-evaluate what i’ve done. I have caged myself in the same old ‘IOS system’, just because it’s what familiar- refusing the updates notifications everytime begging me to upgrade to new IOS verison, due to the fear of unpredictability and what comes next- even though i know the ‘new’ system would be ‘better’.

Perhaps this is what I truly need. And I am savouring it all, the up and down, the success and ‘failure’, the anxiety and relief- because I am just a human. Because I am in the process of becoming and being. 

And that’s all what matters (:

• 17:38, by the seine river (as always), in front of the notre dame cathedral, under the illuminating warm street light, with a heart of gratitude and relief.

15.01.2026

15.09.25 first (grueling) day in master

It is 17:14, and I am sitting in the park of Grande Mosquée de Paris. This day has passed with almost 7 hours of laboratory work. 

It is my first day back at uni, finally starting my master. I have arrived in Paris about 2 weeks before, on 27th of September 2025. Those two weeks have been busy with settling down and bureaucracy stuffs, but I got to explore some neighbourhood in Paris, soaking in the local life.

Now that I am back at uni, I am supposed to be enthusiastic and delighted. However, it feels like there is a heavy stomp in my heart. Though finally I am happy that I can study in English, after the gruelling 3 years learning in Romanian, I thought my heart will feel more at ease, and I can study to my heart content here.

I am happy and grateful to be accepted to my dream university at Sorbonne, and to be granted this competitive scholarship by the French government. But I guess the great achievement also comes at a cost- a cost of imposter syndrome- the feeling of ‘not deserving’ and ‘not doing enough', 

And that’s exactly how I can describe my first day at uni. We started the semester with the practical block for laboratory (which is rather surprising I would say). I know I’ve always been weak in practical session- my brain processed things much slower and I am prone to making mistakes when doing something. And what made it worse is because I am the only one who does not have a lab partner- the worse nightmare for any student. This amplified my self-consciousness, and I had to handle 2-people work with just a pair of hand, under the pressure of time to follow all protocols perfectly. I was trying to fit in this fast-paced environment where everyone was being very engaging to answer all questions, while I sat, mouth-shut, not being able to follow the discussion. During the incubation time, everyone naturally were talking with their partner, as I was just being still- feeling like the chit-chatting around me transformed into deafening silent, and I was dissociated from the world. 

It was hard, and I think I almost had my breakdown- I was the last one to went out for lunch since I made mistakes in the protocol. So I had to eat lunch by myself (in which I actually don’t mind, but given the situation, I felt so loss as it was my first day at uni). Thankfully a random couple of Algerian love-bird adopted and helped me out to navigate my way in the every-busy cafetaria (so thankful they were being very friendly, even though they are way younger than me, the age of my youngest brother haha).

I texted my best friend back in Malaysia, trying to at least tell someone about my worries, and thankfully she replied very promptly and reassured me to not go hard on myself since it is the first day at uni.

“It’s okay, it’s your first day and you get to be with people who are greater than your previous environment. You’ve reached this level, which only means you’re only to be greater than before with the current environment”- quoting her. 

Her words soothed my conflicting heart. Yes, of course it is hard now. I am at a new environment, and at a top university where the students are mostly highly-intellectual with proactive attitudes. But this environment shouldn’t discourage me. With myself being here now, that means I belong here too. That means my voices deserve to be heard out aloud. That means I now have the privilege to learn from my amazing peers, not to be intimidated by them, but to become one with everyone else- to learn, and strive together. Isn’t that’s how living at university should be like? To be in the same space of people with same-alike passion and eager for learning, to share knowledge, and to learn from each other>

My first days have always been discouraging and intimidating- my first day at high school, my first day at tamhidi (pre-uni), my first day at Unibuc, my first day doing my first ever collaborative research, and now, my first day at Sorbonne. First day is always the hardest, and that’s not a sign for discouragement. Rather, it is a sign that I have a space to grow and learn more, that I am starting a new learning curve, that I am stepping out of my comfort zone, that I am going to do my very best again to appreciate this privilege of opportunity that Allah has bestowed me. 

So I should cherish it, go easy on myself, but never let the flame extinguished from my heart. 

And I hope for you who are reading this right now, you will also give yourself the grace for not starting out perfectly, it is okay, to not be okay.

May Allah ease everything for all of us, to remain steadfast in our niyyah, our goals, our effort to show up for ourselves, and may the following days will always be better than day one, amin ya rabbal alamin.

15.09.2025,

18:06,

in the garden of Grand Mosque, Paris