love and mundaneness- a realisation

In my tiptoes to finishing my degree, I’ve never given much thoughts on the subject ‘love’.

For years, I am always occupied with what I have in my plate- getting the best out of my uni years. If I am not busy studying, I’ll be busy volunteering or working on some projects. I collected responsabilities like a pokemon card- I cherish my time too much that I don’t want to 'spend' them into something uncertain such as ‘love’.

Looking back, I think I did a great job in keeping focused and adamant on my goals and responsibilites. However, I realised that I might have framed ‘love’ wrongly, or at least, in a very narrowed dimension.

Not only to romantic feelings, but I guarded myself from any kind of warmth that the world has to offer. I build a high wall upon myself, shielding myself away from everything, including friendship and familial. I thought, opening up myself will make me vulnerable, and giving away my time will make me loss more of the time for myself. 

However, as I live more and meet different kind of people, I realised that love is never a waste- it is what keeps the world going. Love is not meant just for romantics, but it’s the simple gesture of kindness, of attentiveness, of remembrance. 

It’s when we blossom a smile to strangers on the streets, when we open the door and wait for the next people to enter, the random message to a friend just to make sure they are doing fine, the random dinner hosting at one’s place filled with laughters and cosy moments, the unexpected hand holding out to offer help, the short walk in the park under the glistening sunset- it’s all the small and mundane things, never something grandiose. 

Especially for people at my age, I think people are afraid to let themselves to soak in this ray of 'effortless' love. We used to think love as something big with huge sacrifice, that can only be intimately experienced between two lovers. But love is all around us, and it's always there.

Maybe we're just too blinded by our fears to actually realise it.

And for this note, I hope you, who are reading this, will not be afraid to embrace the love given, and to give love to people around you.

Because no matter what, love is never a waste.

15:18,

25th of May,

Sky of Germany

another adventure: first step in empowering education?

 [Mai 25 ’25]

It’s 1 hour into my flight to Frankfurt. Yesterday, I just finished the 4th exam I have on biochimie clinica si hematologie. I didn’t manage to do my best, as I was juggling with my thesis writing and preparation for uni project. But, I don’t blame myself much, as I think I have done my best in the situation I was in (:

So, what am I doing at Frankfurt? Well specifically, I am actually going to Strasbourg in France. Due to convenience, it is much better for me to take the flight to Germany, and take a connecting bus to France. Funny right?

Back in February, I got selected to represent my university and the alliance as a panelist to the European Student Assembly 2025, which is going to take place at the European Parliament in France! When the international office sent me application information, I wasn’t really expecting much. After all, I am a biochemistry student, and was never involved in anything political. Let alone public speaking and debating? I shied myself away from those.

But somehow, they put the trust in me to represent the alliance. I am the only one representing my university. Hence, I am taking a leap of faith to embark in this new experience, out of my comfort zone. I am grateful that in the past 2 years, I have joined several volunteering  and lead some projects- thus, i think have a pretty good organisational foundation? Though it was pretty challenging to work with international people remotely- juggling between drafting policy recommendations, having meetings, and finishing my final semester of degree, I am trying to embrace everything and to learn as much as I can! After all, I am deeply grateful for the opportunity and trust they put into having me onboard on this massive international project :'

ANNDDD what's more exciting is that I am working on drafting policy recommendations on education and lifelong-learning; something that I am deeply passionate about. Aside from my immense admiration in anything scientific, I am a huge advocate of education and accessibility. Thus, I hope that my participation in this program will serve as a major foundation for my effort to become an educator (and perhaps a policymaker?) in the future, amin (:

So I guess, see you at #ESA25? 

May Allah bless this journey and ease everything for me and everyone involved, amin ya rabbal alamin.

15:02,

25th of May,

In the sky between Romania and Germany

*update: i got 9/10 for my biochimie clinica exam!! 

Notes on Seven Brief Lessons on Physics - Carlo Rovelli

Physics used to be the most scary subject for me, as I couldn't bring myself to decipher its logics despite my relentless efforts during high school. 

At university, I rekindled back with physics as my professor taught it from the philosophical point of view, rather than just shoving theorems and calculations straight away. Thus, I started to read more physics book- and this one was my first try! I stumbled upon this copy at a local library in Bucharest, and I had to borrow it after reading the reviews.

This is not meant to be a review, but rather a compilations of key points and excerpts I extracted from reading this book back in summer '2022 (:

Seven Brief Lessons on Physics - Carlo Rovelli

• the fabric of space, origins of the cosmos, nature of time, phenomenon of black holes, working of our own thought processes

Lesson 1 - The most beautiful theory

🪐 Riemann’s mathematic

• space and gravitational field are the same thing
• Space keeps expanding
• Remnants of universe explosion 💥  (Einteon’s theory)

🪐 General Relativity

“Spacetime tells matter how to move and matter tells spacetime how to curve”

• John Wheeler (American Physicist)

Lesson 2 - Quanta

🪐 Quantum Mechanics

• Max Planck: father of the theory
• Einstein: the parent who nurtured it
• Niels Bohr: pioneered it’s development 

• quanta - packet of energy
• Photon for light (proved by Einstein)
• quantum leap- by Niels; in which electrons only take certain amount of energy to excite -> discrete

🪐 Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

“the uncertainty principle states that we cannot know both the position and speed of a particle, such as a photon or electron, with perfect accuracy; the more we nail down the particle's position, the less we know about its speed and vice” - Caltech

h - Planck’s constant 

• it’s not possible to predict where an electron will appear, but rather, by its probability
• ‘quantum mechanics does not describe what happens to physical system, but rather, only hope a physical system affects another physical system’

 

Lesson 4 - Particles

⚛️ Higg’s bosons

• quanta 

⚛️ Standard Models 

Lesson 5 - Grain of Space

General relativity and Quantum mechanics can’t both be right!

• Newton: universal gravity by combining Galileo parabolas and ellipses of Kepler 
• Maxwell: equation of electromagnetic by combining theories of electricity and magnetism 
• Einstein: relativity by resolving an apparent conflict between electromagnetism and mechanics

☄️ Loop quantum gravity

• an endeavour to combine general relativity and quantum mechanics

☄️ Plank’s star

-> the entire matter of sun is condensed into the space of an atom

• Not stable: condensed and rebound again: expansion of universe-> explosion of black hole 

Lesson 6 - Probability, time and the heart of black holes

🛰️ Heat

• previously thought of some sort of liquid ‘caloric’ from 1 or 2 liquids (hot and cold)
• Decided by James Maxwell and Ludwig Boltzmann
• the difference between the post and the future exist only when there’s heat

: pendulum swinging forever (momentum shall be initiated by every obtained from stationery point- not from stationary position

🛰️ Boltzmann

• movement of heat from hot too cold is due to sheer chance! - large degree of probability 

Thermodynamics- The Science of heat 

Statistical mechanics- the science of the probability of different motions

What is a hot gravitational field ? -> what is a vibrating time? ->  what exactly is the flow of time? 

‘To trust immediate intuitions rather than collective examination that is rational, careful and intelligent is not wisdom: it is the presumption of an old man who refuses to believe the great works outside his village is any different from the one which he has always known’ - p59

1. Quantum
2. Gravitational
3. Thermodynamic

In Closing - Ourselves

Mesocospic - 2014; details mapping of the brain structure of a mammal has been achieved

• scientists and philosophers are discussing about special ideas on how the mathematical form of the structures can correspond to the subjective experience of consciousness.

Giulio Tononi - Integrated Information Theory 

• an attempt to characterise quantitatively the structure that a system must have in order to be conscious
• When we are awake (conscious) VS asleep (unconscious)

‘Our appetite for life is voracious, our thirst for life insatiable’ - Lucretius (De rerum natura, III, 1084)

the art of believing despite anxiousness.

The temperature is starting to drop. My fingertips started to stiffen from the coldness, as well as the sole of my feet. Gloomy cloudy started to march in the sky, darkening the day. Though the park is just 10 minutes away from the bustling city centre, I found myself being comforted by the stillness in the air, the isolation of the mind, and the faint swaying of the leaves surrounding me. 

There is this huge tree in front of me, standing still with its beautifully-structured branches, with globular fruits-that-i-don't-know-the-name of, hanging randomly over the course of the branches. 

Looking at this tree made me wonder, how trees are such amazing creatures. From the moment of their 'birth' in this worlds, they have been fixated to one place. They consume the nutrients from the same soil since their embryonic development, until the rest of their life. They grew up well despite being in solitude, without the care and warmth of' parents and siblings;. They stood still all year- or even decades long, despite the changing of seasons, through the harsh winter, the rainy autumn and spring, the blazing and scorching summer. Yet- they never falter, never complain, never force to change things, and stand up loyal to what they've been fated for. 

It made me ponder upon having the characteristics of resilience and believing, despite the anxiousness. Growing up, I always live having the vision of my desired future. Being a dominant Ni user (reference: read more on MBTI cognitive functions here), I see life as patterns- and I find the pleasure in 'planning' my life according to the pattern I observed- if that makes sense (idk how to explain haha). While this gave me advantages in building my own 'future blueprint', with the necessary roads and pathways carved in my mind,  knowing exactly what I need to do to achieve it, it can also be a curse.

A curse of trapping myself in my self-made vision. Before anyone else do it, I've already 'categorised' myself in a box- in a 'character' with pre-determined characteristics and quest of tasks and missions to accomplish. 

And by doing that, come the anxiety- 'what if things didn't work out?', 'what if my plan failed?', 'what if my judgement and planning is not good enough?'. And when those thoughts come creeping my mind and pollute it, it clouded my judgements of the current reality I am in. I am trapped in my Ni-Ti loop (again; INFJ reference). I started to get 'too absorbed' and 'too obsessed' of living in the future, while ignoring what's in front of my eyes.  And most importantly, I forgot that I am a mere Servant- that there's an even more magnificent Creator overseeing all of our affairs- that Allah is the greatest planner.

It took me a looong time to 'berdamai dengan takdir'. I always push myself to the hardest to get to the end goals I am envisioning. And when I 'failed' to do that, I drown myself in overthinkingness and the endless 'what ifs?'. 

Looking at the trees, I envy them. How they live their whole life in obedience, in trusting whatever predetermined destiny that Allah has set for them. Some trees grow up in the abundance of gorgeous-untouched nature, tucked hidden in the deep forest, away from man's destructions. While some, they grow up in the middle of bustling city. Their roots contaminated by the pollutants in the nutrients-deprived soils, their cells having to respirate from the tainted air from the exhaust emissions from cars and lorries. Yet-, they still persevere, and keep praising their Creator in humility. 

وَلِلَّهِۤ يَسۡجُدُۤ مَا فِي ٱلسَّمَٰوَٰتِ وَمَا فِي ٱلۡأَرۡضِ مِن دَآبَّةٖ وَٱلۡمَلَـٰٓئِكَةُ وَهُمۡ لَا يَسۡتَكۡبِرُونَ

And to Allah prostate all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth, of the live moving creatures and the angels, and they are not proud [i.e. they worship their Lord (Allah) with humility]. 16:49 Surah Nahl

- tafseer by Muhsin Khan

 

 I think it was during my exchange year in Glasgow, when I got rejected to every single internships I applied to despite countless efforts- that I was in great despair. Due to the scary feelings that if I don't get an internship now, I will not be cut it to apply to master scholarships. As there are thousands and thousands of amazing applicants to the scholarships, especially in Europe. And knowing how competitive and bright are the applicants, I was really determined to get an internship so I can 'stand a chance'. But Allah planned otherwise. I wasn't able to secure a proper 'lab-work' intership that I desired, despite my relentless efforts. I was hitting the rock bottom at that time. 

But after the whirlwind of emotions I had during that year, I came back to Romania to finish my final year. And after some (and some more) contemplation and merenung diri. I am finally be able to see things in bigger pictures-

I read somewhere that when we pray to Allah, Allah is 'shy' to return with an empty hand. All our duas are actually being granted. It is just that the way it 'manifests' may vary. They are either:

1. 'Yes'

2. 'Yes, but not now'

3.  'I have  planned something greater for you'

And if it is not being 'granted' in this life, we all will get the rewarded for the duas we prayed in our afterlife! How amazing is that!

Now that's a real REAL privilege we have as His Servant. What do you mean that we can pray for literally EVERYTHING and be rewarded on that, no matter what??? So being delulu is not just a myth, it is a real thing that we can (and encouraged) to do because Allah is the All-Hearing and All-Merciful???

I don't know why it take me looooong enough to realise that. Maybe that's the reason behind the 'delays' I had last year when I didn't get the internships, despite my previous efforts of perfecting my portfolios and doing a lot of extracurricular activities. It turns out, Allah wanted to teach me the 'art of believing in Him, despite anxiousness' (':

Fast forward now, I am doing my internship at a national research institute (despite the repeatedly-failed experiments, I'm really grateful of this experience!), and I also secured 2 fully-funded scholarships in Europe for my master before even graduating :' Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. 

Not even a leaf falls without His knowledge

- Surah Al-An'am 6:59 

So, just like the trees, and His other obedient creatures, I want to hold on to the rope of hope and believe onto Him, despite the anxiousness that's constantly weighing down my heavy heart. To dissociate myself from the wordy attachment in the so-called pursuit of finding happiness set by society. To always believe in what Allah has planned for me, despite not seeing it. To not be disappointed nor dejected by what's happening, rather to see beyond that- of what Allah is trying to teach me in those experiences and encounters (:

May we all get to 'berdamai dengan takdir', and be less harsh to ourselves for not being able to 'achieve' what we wanted. After all, we all are merely His weak creatures, trying our best to perfecting ourselves, becoming better everyday, despite the harshness of life (': So, chin up! 

A dua that I recently stumbled upon: 

اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَا أَنْتَ

“O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for a blink of an eye. Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship except You.”

This dua is one of the supplications of the distressed. The Prophet SAW advised his daughter, Fatima RA, to say it in the morning and evening. 

You are asking Allah SWT not to leave you to yourself because when you put your trust in Him, your affairs will be okay. You may make mistakes, be led by your desires, or lack wisdom, so you ask the One who constantly manages the affairs of the world not to leave you to your own devices.

If you are in distress, you should be hopeful of Allah's mercy and expect that He will take care of all your problems. Knowing that in itself brings me relief immediately—what’s better than that? 

- by sister Zakeeya Ali, jazakallahu khairan (:

10.04.2025 (half), finished on 16.04.2025,

Parcul Izvor, București

Playing song: chowol (초월) - 사색 (思索) shape of regret