21.11.25 - just by the seine river

Just by the seine river, the alley has gone quiet. 

It’s friday night, and people are flocking in the streets with their friends, colleagues- to call the end of the weekday, to celebrate another passing week. People are laughing, jumping in excitement, doing little movements to heat their bodies amidst the freezing (early) winter. The street is full of jubilence, because it is the end of weekday.

But just by the seine, just by the riverbank, the alley has gone quiet.

Some people, very few one, resorted to the tranquility offered by the seine river amidst the chaos of the main streets. One stair down the street, with warm light illuminating the riverbank, some people are finding solace and peace- including me.

Just at the opposite site of the river, 3 teenagers are sitting by the river, chattering and enjoying their youth moment. I’m wondering if they realise that this random night they spend together will never come back. Well maybe it will, but it will not be with the same feelings- the feeling when they are still clueless about the future, and have not also been corrupted by hopelessness of adulthood.

Just at the bench right next to me, a couple are spending their time together. Sharing whispers of laughters and intimacy. I wonder how long they have been together, and how many times they forgive each other- to never give up, despite the adversities and clashes of hearts?

A few stone’s away from me at the opposite side, an old man is sitting on the bench by himself. ‘What could he pondering upon during this quiet night?’

A middle age person jogging through the riverbank just by wearing shorts, passing by me. ‘How is he not cold? what makes him keep going, despite the chilling breeze?’

A ferry called ‘bateaux parisiens’ went through- disrupting the harmonic flow of the wave and light. I sit still in the bench, watching the water. It takes 3 minutes, 5 minutes-10 minutes, till the wave stabilise back. I guess that’s how life is. At one phase, it feels like life is full of turbulence, each day unresolved with new wounds and disturbance. At that moment, it felt like forever.

But we keep going, against the tide, against the harshness. Second by second, minutes, by minutes, days by days. 

Until we find ourself again, until we find our rhythm back, just like those old days.
Just like how the waves calm down after the passing of the ferry.
It’s all temporary. 

And then, there’s me, sitting by myself, admiring the glistening reflection of the warm street on the water. They look like sparkles. The wind blow softly, pushing the small waves- orchestrating the slow movement of illuminating light on it. How beautiful it is. 

Just by the seine river, I am accompanied by the silent stillness. Just staying, just being, absorbing the feeling of becoming, while longing for a soul in her heart.

playing bgm: la petite fille de la mer by vangelis

22:16 vendredi ,

seine river, 

paris

to humanise ‘human’

Some times ago, I found a really interesting prose online, and it has been living rent free in the back of my mind. The short essay goes along the line in which they’re explaining about how our society has claimed to master the art of ‘emotional intelligence’.

With our daily engagement to digital media, we are getting exposed to ‘psychological’ and self-help content to help us know our emotions better. But despite this bold claim, why does it seem like people this age struggle a lot in fostering real connection? Isn’t the capability of understanding should lead to a betterment in navigating one’s dynamix in a relationship? Perhaps, the argument that we all are now ‘aware’ of our own EQ is largely attributed to perceiving EQ as a tool for self-defense, rather than for truly comprehending those around us. 

So, let’s first define what is actually an ‘emotional intelligence’. 

Ruisel (1992) portrayed Emotional intelligence as understanding others in a social context in such a way that it enables one to detect nuances in emotional reactions and use this knowledge to influence others by controlling and regulating emotions.

From the first read, we can understand that having EQ means noticing the subtle emotional and social clues, and for leveraging these observations to act in our best interest. 

Which is well, fair enough.

But, what I think is missing from us nowadays is that, we perceive having EQ as being good in identifying what’s ‘wrong’ with others. We start to label one’s behaviour and naming the patterns- ‘red flags’, ‘emotionally absent’, ‘avoidant’, ‘self-projection’… 

Though it is true that verbalising these labels helps us to assess the situation/person in a more objective way, we got too good and focusing more on ‘diagnosing’, before acting on ‘understanding’ first.

Rather than trying to comprehend why someone is acting that way- we shy away from the opportunity to create genuine connection without even taking a glimpe of what lays inside a person behind their masks. We start to associate these ‘imperfections’ as danger signals and we retreat away immediately- we start to ‘dehumanise’ humans. 

I think having EQ is not just about being good in recognising these patterns, but it is actually about having the discernment- to know when it is the right time to continue the connection, or to end it, while still being graceful to ourselves and those around during the process. 

The fact that people are glorifying the ‘art of detachment’ without truly understanding the context and nuance behind it is detrimental to us society as a whole, the same applied to the blatant cancel culture, or the celebration of nonchalance culture. 

When we start to hold everyone else to be on the same emotional standard and understanding as we are- to also posses the ‘same level of EQ’, to be able to ‘fully-healed’ from their trauma, to express themselves fully with transparency- we will only get disappointment in the end. Because by then, we’ll realise that everyone has different journey and pace, and that we’ll always be alone overseeing from the top of the mountain. We can’t force anyone to ‘be healed’, be wise, and be understanding, when they themselves are still struggling surviving against the battles that no one knows, when they haven’t known what it is to love and to be loved without conditions. And this frustration is what lead us to resort to detaching ourself fully from the person. As we’re afraid that by staying longer, we’ll also be exposed to our old scars and intrusive thoughts that we have long buried inside ourselves. 

The last time, I joined a workshop by a doctoral psychologist from Indonesia, who is currently doing his post-doc in Japan, to understand more about different kind of attachment in interpersonal relations. He kept emphasising that what we need to strive for is to build our self-awareness, while still giving grace to others who are still in the processing phase. The goal is not to find other person who is ‘as secured’ as us, but to be aware of how they are as human beings, and to act in the best way to provide comfort space for each other together. It is to grow together, rather than to policing one another. 

By any means, I am not encouraging you to stay in the destructive friendship/relationship and be oblivious of the harms they are causing to you mentally/physically. But what I want to delineate is that, we should stay firm in our own journey and be introspective of our own actions, while also giving others the grace in their own journey. 

The goal is not to build a tall impermeable walls around us to protect our ‘peace’, but it is to nurture our own garden with strong roots and foundation, so that no matter how harsh the rain and disaster that befall us, we’ll be able to flourish again when the sun comes out. 

It is to give room for people to be ‘human’ again. 

We can only pour love to others from a place of abundance, not from a place of lacking and fear. We can stay firm and secured of ourselves, if we allow ourselves to embrace our own, and others’ imperfection. We can avoid confusing detachment with regulation and control, if we ‘humanise’ ourselves and those around us. 

When we make peace with the fact that imperfection will always be a part of us, we make room for genuine connection to flourish, we allow two souls to come together to share the comfort, and we allow vulnerability and transparency to be something sacred, not scary. 

After all, it is okay to struggle, it is okay to be in process, and it is okay to not be okay,

because we are all just human being living for the first time in this finite lifetime (:

bgm - alone by 임채원 

(writings prompted after reading this amazing post)

love, 

heba 

15.12.25

22:14, paris

i want to live for you.

growing up, we’re being told by the media that the highest form of love means sacrificing oneself in the most dramatic way-

‘I’ll die for you, I’ll take the bullet for you, I will drown in the sea for you’.

at the first glance, these actions seem to be endearing- ‘what an honour to have someone wanting to die for me’.

and yes, that’s true. We all are yearning for love that want to consume us wholly, who want to take the stake to save us- even when we couldn’t do it ourselves.

but is that all to profess your utmost loves? to put a grand gesture, a big performance, and to end the stories with one of us ‘dying’ aka suffering? - is that the happy ending we want? 

what about ‘I want to live for you’?

what about ‘I want to be healthy for you’?

what about ‘I want to love myself for you’?

what about ‘I want to respect myself for you’?

what about ‘I want to chase my dreams for you’?

what about ‘I want to be close to God for you’?

what about ‘I want to be mentally-secured for you’?

what about ‘I want to heal my trauma for you’?

what about ‘I want to be vulnerable and transparent for you’?

what about ‘I want to sleep well for you’? 

what about ‘I want to be kind for you’?

what about ‘I want to communicate the hard conversations with you’?

and... what about ‘I want to see, hear, and understand you fully’?

Well, i guess,  it’s easier to just ‘choose’ death, rather than ‘staying’ alive for them.

because it requires effort, intention, and consistency.

over, and over again. 

playing song: DOKO (도코) - Can i love u?

- paris

15th of dec'25, 

01:48 am 

15.09.25 first (grueling) day in master

It is 17:14, and I am sitting in the park of Grande Mosquée de Paris. This day has passed with almost 7 hours of laboratory work. 

It is my first day back at uni, finally starting my master. I have arrived in Paris about 2 weeks before, on 27th of September 2025. Those two weeks have been busy with settling down and bureaucracy stuffs, but I got to explore some neighbourhood in Paris, soaking in the local life.

Now that I am back at uni, I am supposed to be enthusiastic and delighted. However, it feels like there is a heavy stomp in my heart. Though finally I am happy that I can study in English, after the gruelling 3 years learning in Romanian, I thought my heart will feel more at ease, and I can study to my heart content here.

I am happy and grateful to be accepted to my dream university at Sorbonne, and to be granted this competitive scholarship by the French government. But I guess the great achievement also comes at a cost- a cost of imposter syndrome- the feeling of ‘not deserving’ and ‘not doing enough', 

And that’s exactly how I can describe my first day at uni. We started the semester with the practical block for laboratory (which is rather surprising I would say). I know I’ve always been weak in practical session- my brain processed things much slower and I am prone to making mistakes when doing something. And what made it worse is because I am the only one who does not have a lab partner- the worse nightmare for any student. This amplified my self-consciousness, and I had to handle 2-people work with just a pair of hand, under the pressure of time to follow all protocols perfectly. I was trying to fit in this fast-paced environment where everyone was being very engaging to answer all questions, while I sat, mouth-shut, not being able to follow the discussion. During the incubation time, everyone naturally were talking with their partner, as I was just being still- feeling like the chit-chatting around me transformed into deafening silent, and I was dissociated from the world. 

It was hard, and I think I almost had my breakdown- I was the last one to went out for lunch since I made mistakes in the protocol. So I had to eat lunch by myself (in which I actually don’t mind, but given the situation, I felt so loss as it was my first day at uni). Thankfully a random couple of Algerian love-bird adopted and helped me out to navigate my way in the every-busy cafetaria (so thankful they were being very friendly, even though they are way younger than me, the age of my youngest brother haha).

I texted my best friend back in Malaysia, trying to at least tell someone about my worries, and thankfully she replied very promptly and reassured me to not go hard on myself since it is the first day at uni.

“It’s okay, it’s your first day and you get to be with people who are greater than your previous environment. You’ve reached this level, which only means you’re only to be greater than before with the current environment”- quoting her. 

Her words soothed my conflicting heart. Yes, of course it is hard now. I am at a new environment, and at a top university where the students are mostly highly-intellectual with proactive attitudes. But this environment shouldn’t discourage me. With myself being here now, that means I belong here too. That means my voices deserve to be heard out aloud. That means I now have the privilege to learn from my amazing peers, not to be intimidated by them, but to become one with everyone else- to learn, and strive together. Isn’t that’s how living at university should be like? To be in the same space of people with same-alike passion and eager for learning, to share knowledge, and to learn from each other>

My first days have always been discouraging and intimidating- my first day at high school, my first day at tamhidi (pre-uni), my first day at Unibuc, my first day doing my first ever collaborative research, and now, my first day at Sorbonne. First day is always the hardest, and that’s not a sign for discouragement. Rather, it is a sign that I have a space to grow and learn more, that I am starting a new learning curve, that I am stepping out of my comfort zone, that I am going to do my very best again to appreciate this privilege of opportunity that Allah has bestowed me. 

So I should cherish it, go easy on myself, but never let the flame extinguished from my heart. 

And I hope for you who are reading this right now, you will also give yourself the grace for not starting out perfectly, it is okay, to not be okay.

May Allah ease everything for all of us, to remain steadfast in our niyyah, our goals, our effort to show up for ourselves, and may the following days will always be better than day one, amin ya rabbal alamin.

15.09.2025,

18:06,

in the garden of Grand Mosque, Paris 

july; the end of a chapter - bachelor's degree in Romania

The gleaming sky has darkened, leaving out the penetrating rays of lights that brightened the sky just an hour ago. I am now in the plane, leaving Romania for good (maybe?). 

I still can’t believe that my chapter in Romania has ended. Just a month ago, I finished my final exams in Romanian, just 3 weeks ago, I submitted my bachelor’s thesis, just 2 weeks ago, I defended my thesis in Romanian and got full mark for it, and just 24 hours ago, I graduated with a CGPA of 9,89. 

I am still yet to process everything. Especially since I’ve been in and out for the past 2 weeks- my days have been filled of me just living in the moment, cherishing the time together with my beloved Indonesian friends- who I consider as my backbone and second family here in Romania.

Though I am saddened by the fact that I will no longer share the laughter and tears together with them all- in the journey of navigating our ways as suffering-international students in Romania- I am glad that I got to create some intense-beautiful memories in the end. I am glad that I opened up to people more in the end, to let my self to experience the beauty of human intrapersonal relations, to soak in genuine friendship, and to just be ‘human’, for once- after closing myself off for years. 

I am glad that I got to spend my ‘final moments’ in Romania well, with the right people and right feelings (:

‘All good things need to ends for new to come’.

Goodbye has always been the hardest- no matter how many times I moved through countries, meeting new people, befriending them, and leaving them again. The chorus from ‘No one noticed’ by the Maris encapsulate this feelings perfectly 

‘Come on, don’t leave me — and then I’ll leave without a trace…’

- a yearning song by the Marias that's replaying in my minds at all time.

I genuinely believe that every soul we encounter in life comes because of a reason- whether it is just a brief encounter, or a long one. No words can express how grateful I am to the kind people I met during my 4 years abroad- 3 years in Romania and 1 year in the UK, and few weeks in between Croatia, Germany, and France. Though maybe they are not meant to stay in my life forever, every soul has left such a deep impression in me- with lessons and grace that I'll always carry even after we part away. 

I feel truly blessed to have met different beautiful souls- to learn something from them- sometimes unsaid, just from their subtle gestures, or how their eyes light up when they speak up from the depth of their hearts.

I am always a mosaic of those who I encountered and loved.

I find this to be the most beautiful way of explaining these phenomenon I felt (:

Thank you Allah for this blessings, I can never repay these as Your humble servant. 

The only thing I can do is to reciprocate the kindness and continue this chain of kindness to those I'll meet after- to act just like the polymerase in the PCR reaction (yes such a bad science pun- but of well what do you expect from a biochemistry graduate?) 

Now as I am landing to Dubai, everything feels more real now. I will have 19 hours more to go before arriving home in Malaysia. Though I am saddened by the fact that I am closing of a precious chapter of my life in my 20s, I am also excited to go back to my root- to mend what’s left behind, and to reminisce how far I’ve came (:

May Allah ease everything, amin.

In the sky over the sea to Dubai,

Heba

16th of July, 20:33 Romanian time