15.01.26 the end of one semester (master y1)

 The church bell is echoing its ringings, the cloud march slowly along the chilling air, and the sun is taking its refuge after a long, long day.

I just finished my (very) final exam of my (very) first semester in Sorbonne. What do I feel about the exam? diabolical. What do I feel about myself? -peacefulness?

As expected, I wasn’t able to answer everything, but, I am happy how much I’ve came so far. If the past me is to take this exam herself, she wouldn’t be able to understand the figures and experiments at all, let alone to devise a critical analysis and to infer a logical conclusion. However this time, I can see how I improved over the semester- the mountain that I thought I wouldn’t be able to pass. I managed to reach the summit, though barely (and perhaps a low summit, to some people’s standard).

One thing I realise the most is now I am focusing more on my internal progress during the process, rather than the end results (aka the grades). As someone who’s used to keeping the ‘perfect’ marks, maintaining straight As, craving those ‘academic validation’, this is a huge leap. Though of course, it would be amazing if I can keep it up- just as what i’ve been doing during the past 1.5 decades. But now, rather than working for the external validation, I want to focus on the internal growth- the concrete, real thing- even if they seem small and slow. 

I think that’s what i need at this moment and stage of life. 

It’s a realisation that I’ve been focusing only on the wrong metric. A diversification of self-evaluation is much needed if I want to truly progress. I think that’s a good thing. 

Since the very beginning of the semester, I’ve been questioning my whole decision of doing my master here. 

‘Is this the right choice?’ 

‘should I have taken other master which is more relevant to my pre-existing background?’, 

‘what if I am skewing my own grades and track record that I’ve been trying to so hard to build?’

It was a messy mix of imposter syndrome, anxiety, and the fear of failing. Which is very humane.

But perhaps, I’ve been too comfortable in my own skin, using my own method to tackle the ‘academic system’ to get the perfect scores. I was in control, but that leaves no space for me to grow, to expand my potential, ‘to fail’, to re-evaluate what i’ve done. I have caged myself in the same old ‘IOS system’, just because it’s what familiar- refusing the updates notifications everytime begging me to upgrade to new IOS verison, due to the fear of unpredictability and what comes next- even though i know the ‘new’ system would be ‘better’.

Perhaps this is what I truly need. And I am savouring it all, the up and down, the success and ‘failure’, the anxiety and relief- because I am just a human. Because I am in the process of becoming and being. 

And that’s all what matters (:

• 17:38, by the seine river (as always), in front of the notre dame cathedral, under the illuminating warm street light, with a heart of gratitude and relief.

15.01.2026

2025 ends with a swaddle of softness.

as an enthusiast for the gleaming orangey hues sky when the day is retreating back to its shore, my feelings are always on its zenith during the sunset. after a long day, i long for the time to basking myself under the sunset warmth, to sit in the quiet park, or to be by the beach, letting the stillness taking over my consciousness.

recently, i stumbled upon a a series of prompts in my feed, and one particular sentence struck my attention;

"do seafarers ever get bored of watching the sunset?"

 

trying to put myself in their shoes, i envy them. for the opportunities to oversee sunset in the vast sea without obstruction everyday, with its lights gleaming and sparkling on the waves- a view that i can only get when i stroll along the Seine river after finishing my classes at uni. 

but then, since it's a view they encounter everyday, have they ever get bored from it? even the most beautiful diamond can lose its charms in the eye of its beholder- sparks can fade by time, tempo can slow down when not maintained, and love can be diluted over time. is that the curse of being gifted of something beautiful? or is it actually a gift that shows us that nothing is actually permanent in this dunya?

reflecting back, how many times have i taken something for granted? - countless. 

 

maybe that's why Allah created things to be temporary- the family that lives in our heart, the life partner that we have longed for, the friends that we seek comfort from, the youth we're hanging onto, the health that's often overseen, and the time that keeps slipping away like the sand through our fingertips. Because it's in our primitive-humanistic nature that we'll only appreciate things if they're temporary- if we know there's an 'expiration date' for the connection to last. 

so, is it a curse, or a gift?

 

perhaps, if someone ask me what's the biggest lesson of my 20s, it is the art of letting go.  

having the privileges of growing up with cares, having my tank of loves filled by my family, i may have grown too complacent in appreciating what i have. now that i am entering my 5th year living abroad (crazyyy!), i have learnt to cherish the present more, and to be okay with goodbyes. some connections may last longer, but sometimes they are there just for a chapter of our book, or maybe just for a brief cameo along the lines in our book. though some friendships can be intense, once we part away, the connections can fade over time. and that's totally fine. 

i think we're too hung up to the concept of measuring a connection on how 'long-lasting' or 'durable' it is, and that, if it's getting cut and severed, that means it's not a 'real' or 'genuine' one. but i beg to differ. it seems like we've been using the wrong metrics in 'measuring' it. rather than time-wise, i think what matters more is how you actually felt at the moment of the connection- the intensity and the rawness, during the present while it lasts. and how it change you as a person; perhaps it's the story they told us that inspire us, perhaps it's the kindness they bestowed to us that we want to mirror to the others as well, perhaps it's their attitude and principles that we learn from, or perhaps, it's just their quiet presence during the time that we need the most. 

and once the connection is faded away, we might feel the regrets or somber- and it probably hurts. 

but the grief we felt is not a mere negative feelings, it is actually an attestment of how deep and real the connection was- it is a proof of being humans.  

it took me some times to realise this. I think it was only halfway of my journey abroad- the 3rd year, after I came back from Glasgow that I realised how life actually comes with different flavours at once- the happiness, the sadness, the regrets, the fears- and we can't just pick one 'flavour' and try to stick with it all time. It is the heterogenousity that adds to the complex taste- giving layers upon layers of 'flavours' and feelings that made life feels... alive.

back then, i tried not to be too attached to people- not because of the fear of losing, but the fear of being too dependant on others- since i know it will all be temporary anyway. though at that moment i didn't notice it and thought i was way better off by myself- to survive in my own bubble and island. and i hate to inconvenient others- asking for help feels like stripping myself away (still till now though). but i guess that's what it feels being a first-child when i'm used to do everything and figure things out by myself (not justifying it though). 

and i guess, this is what people nowadays would call being detached. took me a while to figure it out. i think to some extent it's nice to be able to detach from the worldly matters- because in the end of the day, nothing is guaranteed to last forever. but, rather than 'running away' or pretending it all didn't matter, we should embrace the privileges and rizq of having those around us- to appreciate them and do our best in being kind and graceful to others. rather than focusing on 'their roles' in our life, maybe it's time to look inwardly and ponder upon;

'why Allah brings me to their life? what is He trying to convey to them through me?'

it is the act of putting the effort to be the person that us ourself would want to befriend/be in love with (because how can you expect others to appreciate and be with you, if you can't stand being with yourself?) :'

SO, if there's another lesson i can say that i learnt in 2025, it is that to be truthful to our feelings and to stand for it. i think, especially in this age where showing our emotions and care to others seems daunting and even lowful(???)- because it made us prone to being disappointed in the end, people glorify being 'nonchalant'. not that it's entirely bad- everyone has their own way and capacity of expression emotions- and that's totally human. what we need is the 'discernment' of our own capacity of caring and showing up for others, AND how our emotions and attitudes can affect others. 

two weeks ago, i've written an entry that sheds light on modern society's take on emotional intelligence and how damaging the narrative can be when being used for self-defence without discernment (you can read it here). though most of the time, i still struggle of expressing my emotions verbally (that's why i like to write because i can organise my thoughts and articulate them better), i try to be more open and receptive to communication- especially if they are hard conversations. i think those kind of conversations are the ones that brings genuine connection- and truth is much more preferable than assumptions made in mind (:

so to recapitulate everything:

1. in 2024, my biggest lesson was that everything has a price, each of our action ripples consequences, whether it is small or big.

2. in 2025, my biggest lessons are to let things go, and let God. nothing is permanent in this dunya, but grief is also a blessing to show how much we have 'lived' and felt. 

3. lastly, to be truthful and not conceal my emotions anymore due to 'fear'. by not putting a blockage to my heart and mind, i open doors for genuine communication and connection to occur (:

and that, marks the end of my 2025. a year full of trials and blessings. alhamdulillah.

and may you who read this, will have the days to come in a gentle and peaceful way. may Allah protect us all in His blessings, and may we stay steadfast in our principles and in what we believe in, amin.

bgm- no one noticed by akmigone

*extra: my fav entries of the year (this year has been filled with lots of reflections and writings, yey!)

1. the art of believing despite anxiousness.

2. i want to live for you.

3. faith and courage- a heartfelt conversation with her (:

4. BJ Habibie and Germany

5. 21.11.25 - just by the seine river

first written on 31st of Dec 2025 (23:58), 

finalised on the 1st of Jan 2026 (20:20),

paris