h e y b a r a

10 February, Tucano Coffee, Bucuresti. 16:00, Iarnă.

It’s my ~~late~~ birthday!

I turn 20 this year, I know, crazy.

The me who turned 19 last year would not have expected that I’ll be thousand and thousand miles away from my family, my friends, in another country, another continent, another ‘life’.

Since I arrived here, it has been nothing but a turbulent, rough, patchy road. Most probably because I was alone, which is very unexpected considering I thought I could survive being alone by myself anywhere. But, it you’ll most probably be prone to this devastating state, especially when you are barely 19, being in a country where you are the obvious minority, not having anyone to guide you. It’s just you, and this estranged world.

I guess those few months has taught me some life lessons that i learnt the hard way;

1. No man is an island.

As cliché as it sounds, and as reluctant as I am to admit it, there is a reason why we are born in a world where we need to be in society. No matter how ‘independent’ you are, sometimes you need to tear down the wall, and ask people for their hand.

2. It IS an EFFORT to make friends.

Growing up, I think relationships and friendships comes naturally that i don’t even need to think about it, from my classmates, my neighbours of the same age, the junior and the seniors in our school, and our family. I don’t think so I have ever been in a situation where I really need to put me myself out there and struggling and desperate to find ‘another soul’ to befriend with. Now, I need to allocate the time myself to go out and interact with people, and remembering to keep in touch with them after some time before we drifted away and be back to stranger point. It is hard, but the human interaction is also what i need the most as an international student.

And afterwards

3. Balancing your life and the social life.

It is nice when you got to know a lot from people, friends of your friends and all. BUT, as a huge introvert, it gets overwhelming at times. And that’s the moment I need to start drawing lines back, to not let myself be ‘drowned’ in the presence of others. It is very hard to keep the balance between them, especially since I never ‘learn’ nor ‘experienced’ this kind of situation before. For now, it is enough for me to allocate one day in a week for ‘socialising’. It will take me a few days to recharge, and then I can use my energy again for study, and other things.

4. You are the sailor of your own ship.

Coming here, it is like a reset button. Like a toddler who plays with the building blocks, acting like an architect in building the tallest tower, but then the towers crumble down, again and again.

That’s me, I felt like a toddler, with no prior knowledge nor talent in being an ‘architect’, in my case it is in being a ‘human’. I never get to ‘drive’ my own life, it was all set to me; going to school, studying, joining the allocated clubs and programs, and that’s all.

Now I’m here, there’s no one who tell me what to do, or someone who I can follow. It all’s up to me. I need to seek out there, try and error, like dipping your french fries to different kinds of sauces, to find the one that is the most to your liking.

This is the hardest and the longest thing to do, because preferences changes, people changes, circumstances changes. I need to set my priority, juggle between them, and find my own ‘colour’, so I do not only live to ‘live’, but also to ‘feel’ the life (:

So in short, the biggest lessons are about relationships with humans and ‘being human’.

Pretty much a ‘welcome to adulthood’-existential-kind-of-realisations. Haha.

I do not know whether I will be okay along the way, which is very unlikely considering the rough path I’m choosing right now. But well,

you’re 20 right now. (:

Some photo dumps-

Can you see that I am trying to love the city?

The 23rd day in this strange land.

The past 3 weeks have been a horrid ride of confusion mixed with isolating loneliness that I would have never thought before. It might have driven me astray and crazy if I do not cling to the faith, and to the loved ones who sought out for me. The first night here, I was totally broken. Having been away from my parents with 5,383 miles distance in between the two longing sides, I realize I have no one anymore to rely on. All I have is me, myself, and Allah.

I've been constantly on the run, running and running, to settle all the bureaucracy and settling down. There has never been a day where I can lay rest on the bed, and listen to the heart. My mind and heart is in havoc, and it still is.

After two weeks, I have no tears left to shed, or at least I thought so. It dries up just like the Euphrates River. Having no one to talk to, it was suffocating. For the three weeks, I have no one to talk to. The language barrier worsens it all. But at least, I'm still able to contact my parents, and my one dear friend who is always be there for me despite having a crazily-packed life too. However, as the winter is approaching, the clock went back for one hour, adding to the already distant 5 hours time differences. A 6 hours differences make it difficult to call one's back.

As all the difficulties, anxiousness, insecurities and the loneliness began to swallow me up, I finally opened and poured my heart to my loved ones. And for my that one precious friend, that sacrificed her sleeping hours for me, we talked for hours and hours. I was in a total turbulence, having internal problem that I might burst to crying at any times.

And she gave me this one advice; to do the unexpected, to treat yourself, and to let your heart crawl out. And I did give it a try, it was the happiest moment since I arrived here.

I hopped on the bus and went to Piața Unirii, and let myself wonder around by its own. I finally slow done, and appreciate the magnificent buildings and its people. My main purpose is to actually go to visit the small second-hand bookstore just nearby the metro station. I browsed the books and unfortunately most of them are in Romanian, which I could not decipher yet. However, I did a favour of myself and picked the Romanian translation of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, with the Romanian title of Mândrie și prejudecată. I talked briefly to the seller who's actually very kind and told me he could bring some Romanian learning book if I want! He told me all girls love P&P and I am 11/10 agree with that, it's my all-time favourite classic story that I wish to read over and over again (:

I went into a valley, and finally it feels like I am truly at Europe, at last. It was intimidating, to be honest. I turn the wrong side and entered a wrong valley which is full of closed pubs and bars, for a midget hijabi girl walking alone, I am scared. But I went through using the map app, and found myself at a lively valley of restaurants full of people. A cramped road, surrounded by tall ancient buildings, it was a pleasure.

And I found a Halal restaurant too over there! I'm guessing it might be Turkish.

Then a friendly in-waiting waitress kindly give me the direction to a beautiful bookstore located just by the end of the street, and it is the bookstore that I've only seen on the instagram! It's called Cărturești Carusel București. I was in an utter awe, and I really love the book collection provided.

After spending a 2 hours-ish there, I went out and walk for a little bit to the bus station. Along the way, I found another bookstore, which has a great collection of English books in a more affordable way. I can't hang out for long because I need to go home soon afterward.

There's also a second-hand store right at the corner. As you probably know (or not know), I am a huge fan of second-hand store! Didn't buy anything because I am not in need of clothes right now, but I would like to visit it again soon for some pretty coats.

I stopped by for a moment at a Turkish Mart, which I frequent visit. Though I am saddened by the fact they put us in a dorm very far away from the university (about 45 minutes away), but at least a turkish shop is only 20 minutes away by walk from the dorm, so it's very convenient for me to supply my fridge with some halal ingredients.

And that, basically sums up the instantaneous self-date day I had. It was truly breathtaking to finally slow down the pace in my life and appreciate this new city that'll be the home of mine for the next 4 years (: I would like to spend more time with myself, and giving myself the chance to 'slowly jog', rather than running all time chasing the continuous life.

Thank you for reading this till the end. Though it starts with a quite depressing note, I found peace by the end, at least for now.

Hope you have a great day ahead,

o zi bună! </3