Burning brightly.

 It took me 21 years to truly realized how blessed I am.

Blessings come not just in the form of materials; money, and achievements. But it comes in all little things in an unexpected way. You just need to search for it. 

In the first semester, I worked very hard. It was a cold, isolating moment where I pushed myself to the edge. Feeling hopeless and questioning everything I've worked on until now. I fell into despair and was locked in a long tunnel with no way to reach the beams of light. 

But now, I started to see how my hard work is paid off. It just comes one by one, that it feels surreal how Allah is blessing me with all of this. It kinda feels like I am undeserving of all of this. That these are temporary and I can just fall back into that spiralling darkness again. 

Those are nonsense thoughts. A bit pessimistic.

I try to keep this momentum, to work even harder. Since Allah has blessed me with things I never expected before, and surrounded me with kind and beautiful souls, I couldn't retract and run away, or devour in the pleasure and strayed from my original purpose. The blessings are a means as a tool for me to use to lead my life better. To aid me in my plan towards realizing my purpose in life. A purpose that seems too overwhelming to bear, but I couldn't choose otherwise. 

This semester, I feel like maybe I kind of pushed myself a bit over the edge. I experimented with things, and see how far can I go. Playing on the boundaries of your comfort zone is never an easy job. But I know I needed these so I can develop myself. By stretching my 'training field' in this life, I can acquire much more. Though it was hard, I'm glad I did it. 

Some people might say I pushed myself too much, that I am too 'ambitious' for no reason, and that burnout-ness will soon crawl into me. They are not wrong though. But I am doing these knowing the consequences. I believe humans are made to not stay in the same place for so long. When you have your purposes, when the flame in your heart keeps blazing and burning the coal inside your body, it is hard to settle for less. As for myself, I know that I am not carrying only myself, but also the hopes and prayers of my parents and my loved ones, which are unconditional. I am not the only one sacrificing in this journey. My parents have worked so hard in their life to let me chase my dreams. How can I stay still and let their sacrifices be in vain? These thoughts make it hard for me to stay in my comfort bubble and only resort to easy and conventional paths like everyone else's. Though sometimes it is overwhelming to bear, my excitement and hopes for the future exceed it all. I know that for every step I make, I try to be mindful of everything. I am not doing this to live a 'hustling gen z' life, or as an 'overachiever who can't take a break'. I am doing this because I want it. Because I have my own purposes that I fight for. Surely, overwhelmedness and burnout are inevitable. But that's part of the process. Just like how a laptop can overheat in long use, we humans go through that too. So, it is important to acknowledge these signals, embrace them, and treat them as a part of the journey. Not as a hindrance that breaks your hope. 

Be mindful, be purposeful.

I am a sinner, and I have a lot of shortcomings. But I hope, the flame in myself won't fade. Until I go further, a bit more, a little bit more. If Allah wills, I will keep working and striving for more. Until I can proudly say I lived a meaningful life. If Allah is with me, there is nothing that can stop me.

I wish to burn brightly,

then wilt, like a flame 

- 애신, 미스터 션샤인

bucharest, 7:15 a.m

UNI Semester I - Thoughts & Reflection

 

After 2.5 years of waiting, it is crazy to think how it's been years since I graduated high school. A lot of things happened in that period. After working through the foundation and learning the language, finally I am able to start learning the knowledge I've yearned to delve into. 

It was a moment of joy, and the moment that breaks me too.

Learning a language I have never even heard of in my entire life, I had (and is having) my fair share of difficulty. I spent 7 months of intensive language learning at ASE, but I still sucks haha. Learning a language is certainly not my forte, especially in the talking part. I tried to weave my way through it, but, it is a difficult thing to do. But despite that, I got to pass my language exam, and start my undergrad last fall. 

The first month, horrible.

Imagine going to a faculty, and learning in a foreign language that you only learnt in less than a year? A disaster.

It was a very bleak time for me, as I am unable to understand, nor communicate with people. Worst, in the class. As someone who is very enthusiastic of listening to lectures, not being able to understand a thing breaks me. How can I pass my exams and graduate safely at this point? I was very scared and anxious. 

Though thankfully my professors and friends are the kindest ever- that is a huge relief for me.

But still, the language barrier chained me. I feel like I am trapped in a glass wall, separated by the others. The outside world is muffled, and I felt silenced. 

I can't count how many heartbreaks I had during the entire semester. Barely living, I spent my whole time studying, to catch up with everything. I acknowledge that even though I am in a marathon, I am at a disadvantage as my legs are shackled by weights and burdens (a.k.a the language). I am tens and hundreds of steps behind others. So I need to put an extra effort. 

I studied day and night, during commuting in the metro, during lunch, during the weekend. OOfh it reminds me back to my SPM time, though this time, it is worse (:

But thankfully my professors are very kind and helpful, I tried to always ask them questions just to make sure (AT LEAST), I can understand 1 thing among all the things they taught in the class that day, though it is just a simple thing. I don't want to feel like a total idiot.

Though things seem to change for better as time goes, still, I felt like I am really slow. Things are just going downhill. I am swimming against the vast tide. I put much burden on myself. Until my parents remind me that I am just starting university. Yes, you've learnt the language for 7 months, but you just started the uni now. 

Exactly.

I felt like I didn't learn anything during the 7 months. I failed to realize that those 7 months, are just brief compared to university. The language level in university is (obviously) a much much higher level. I tend to count that I've learnt the language for xx times, but why am I still bad at it? I shifted my starting point to October, where I started my uni. And it makes me feel better, honestly. 

The exam period was dreadful. I feel stressed out knowing that even though I study hard to understand everything, I will still be unable to answer them if I do not know the language. Not to mention how daunting and overwhelming are the subjects I am taking, especially anatomy. YES, anatomy. Imagine learning anatomy in french (since ppl are more familiar with french, they are sister language w/ romanian). I thought I almost lost my mind learning it. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had 13 papers for the final (all written test), yups, crazy.

So what did I do to overcome it? I studied like crazy. I woke up in the morning and studied till midnight every day. On average I studied 14 hours per day. Well, every student does the same thing. But it was a harsh time for me because of the pressure of the language. I kept thinking, why do I make this crazy decision to do my degree in another language? Why do I take such a harsher path when there was an easier option? Why, and why? It was the moment when studying with tears falling is a daily routine for me. At this point, I just want to pass my exams. I had a few subjects that the passing percentage is not even half of the batch. This freaks me out. Yup, biology is HARD. Forget the A, I am glad with any marks as long as I pass! Nu vreau restanță te rog :'

But even so, I am glad to have great company; my family and friend. They helped me to hold things together. Reassuring me that everything will be alright. That whatever I do, it is enough.

me studying anatomy in Romanian, a nightmare. 

Thankfully, I managed to finish the exams despite breaking down here and there. I am still alive. I survived. Not long after, I got the results of my exams, and they are really shocking. Alhamdulillah, I managed to score a lot higher than I expected (I told you at this point I only hope to pass the exams, to get at least 6.0 (the passing mark is 5.0)).

This is the moment I realised, hard work never betrays you. I am really really thankful for them; my parents, family, zu, and my past self who never gives up ((:

So this, is for everyone who believes in me (:

Things I learnt this semester:

- Hard work will never betray you

- Do your best, and Allah S.W.T will take care of the rest

- There is no limit in life, apart from yourself

- It is OKAY, to have ups and downs

- Gratitudeness, always.

And thus, I would like to end this entry with my favourite verse;

God does not force anyone to do beyond what is within his capacity. Everyone will get the reward he earns and will be responsible for the evil he does

- Al-Baqarah 2:286

Love,

Heba

5:30 a.m., Bucharest, Romania

Heart ripped open.

 The first semester of my degree was the hardest for me to cope with. I doubt myself, (almost) blaming the young girl who was too eager to reach the star when she can't even see the sky clearly. An immense stab in the heart for whose dreams and expectations are to be shattered. 

Why, is it this way?

For the longest time, I have always been burned by such immense passion that keeps constricting my heart that I feel burst out, it has been filled with bright hopes that are too bright that they can blind one's eyes. The apparent marks that I can't just feign ignorance. I know that I will need to go through thorny roads to satiate my desire. I was willing to do so, or so I thought-

I felt helpless and in despair towards the middle of the first semester of my degree. After 2.5 years since high school, finally I get to take my first step, the very precious first step in realising and building my meaningful life. The life that the little girl has been dreaming of and working on for the longest time. I thought that after running and crawling my way to get till this point, I will finally reach the surface of the ocean, to freedom and lightness. But I was wrong. Although I can see the water getting clearer, and more rays of light penetrating my surrounding in the dark ocean, I kept being pushed down by the furious waves, being pulled down by the strong gravity that impede my way up. Suffocating my heart that has been longing for lightness. 

I am one step closer, but am chained. 

(page 1) 

Winter to Spring Transition!

 

Assalamualaikum everyone! I think it has been quite a while since I last wrote a proper blog post. After procrastinating and ruminating for quite a time, I decided that it is going to be more beneficial for me to write here so I could reminisce about my past through my written posts (:

So, how have the past months gone by?

C O N T E N T
1. Finishing the first semester in Romania
2. Winter Blues
3. Spring & Physical Class

1. Finishing the first semester in Romania

It has been a rough journey through the first semester of learning the Romanian language. I arrived in Bucharest on 2nd November 2022 and started the class on 29th of November, 4 weeks after my arrival here. The academic calendar started on the 1st of October, which means I'm left behind with 2 months worth of classes. Because of that, we had to accelerate our learning, having extra classes on public holidays and also on Saturdays. Though it is online, that also means a huge challenge to just stay put in front of the laptop all day long concentrating on the lectures without break from the sunrise till the sunset ( we only had like 2 breaks of 10 minutes for the whole day!). However, thankfully, my professors are the LOVELIEST and the KINDEST ever. I'm sure it is also not easy for them to teach us as (for unknown reasons) most of my classmates are always absent. There were times when I was the only one in the class so it felt like I'm having an oral test with my professor 😳😂

Nevertheless, I managed to finish the first semester with flying colours despite all the hecticness!

My Sem 1 APLR Result

So the grading system in Romania follows a scale of 1-10 (in which 10 is the highest mark). I was really astounded to get a 10 for all subjects! Alhamdulillah 💜

2. Winter Blues

-it's not a joke. Living in a country with no 4 seasons, I've only heard the term 'winter blues' from the media and from reading. Now that I'm here, experiencing my first winter in life, I FINALLY FEEL IT. Not that it is a good thing. It felt really really terrible and dreadful. But first, what is Winter Blues?

What is the meaning of winter blues?

Having the winter blues means feeling sad and generally more down in the dumps, according to the National Institutes of Health (NIH). Winter blues isn't something that is medically diagnosed, but more of an understood feeling we can sometimes have during winter months that is usually short-lived.

- https://www.premierhealth.com/faq/what-does-it-mean-to-have-the-winter-blues- 

The winter blues is a mental state comprised of feelings of sadness and fatigue during the coldest and darkest months of the year. It may be hard to get out of bed some mornings, you may have trouble sleeping and you may feel unmotivated to complete daily tasks or to get outside.

- https://www.verywellmind.com/winter-blues-vs-seasonal-affective-disorder-5101512

*Not to be mistaken with Seasonal Depression (SAD), which is a lot more severe and diagnosed by a doctor.

Imagine you just arrived in a strange land, far faaaar away from your family, coming from a place where everywhere is green, to a place where the nature seems to be dead, the freezing coldness kissing your skin, the gloomy sky, being alone and only stuck in the room in front of the laptop for months... All these conditions added up and made me feel sad and dejected all time for no reason. I started to look at things on the negative side, having no energy to do anything, and being too immersed in the silly thoughts that end up consuming me as a whole. I MISSSS the dazzling sun, the greenies, and the warmth. This is also due to the reason for the pandemic, where we can't really socialize freely, have student activities, and attend physical classes. This phase (December 2021 - February 2022) has been the hardest phase for me trying to cope with the homesickness, adapting, studying, and fighting this winter blues! 

But now thank goodness it is

3. Spring & Physical Classes!

The covid19 cases reported in Romania, especially Bucharest aren't looking very good during the time. But I guess the world is getting tired of the ever-changing and inconsistency of restrictions and regulations. Hence, on the third (or fourth) week of the second semester, we get to go back to school! Finally!

After spending almost 4 months in solitary and having online classes, I finally get to live the university student life! Though I had to spend 2 hours commuting daily to my uni every day because my dormitory is far from the uni (+ the buzzing traffic jam of Bucharest), I still enjoy my time at the uni! It feels a lot LOT better than being stuck in the room and having headaches after every zoom class. 

Also the timing, it's the start of SPRING! What a beautiful time to go to the uni. Though in the past few days it feels like we are coming back to winter because of the weird cold weather again (it even snowed in some of Romania's cities!??). Anyway, it just feels very nice and fulfilling to live the life as a normal university student (:

And now that's the end of my life update! It feels surreal that it has been almost 6 months since I am here? Half of a year!?? It is true when people say as you grow up, time passes lot faster, and in just a whim, the youth is gone and all is left are memories and regrets (':

I will be ending my language learning in July, I have about 2 months to prepare before my exams (a LOT lot of exams) start at the end of May!! @.@  Will be veryyyyy busy. (But that's life anyway!)

So,

I guess that's all? 

Thank you for reading till the end,

Have a beautiful day ahead! 

Te doresc o zi frumoasă </3 

București Log #2 - Turning 20.

​10 February, Tucano Coffee, Bucuresti. 16:00, Iarnă.

It’s my late birthday! 

I turn 20 this year, I know, crazy.

The me who turned 19 last year would not have expected that I’ll be thousand and thousand miles away from my family, my friends, in another country, another continent, another ‘life’.

Since I arrived here, it has been nothing but a turbulent, rough, patchy road. Most probably because I was alone, which is very unexpected considering I thought I could survive being alone by myself anywhere. But, it you’ll most probably be prone to this devastating state, especially when you are barely 19, being in a country where you are the obvious minority, not having anyone to guide you. It’s just you, and this estranged world.

I guess those few months has taught me some life lessons that i learnt the hard way;

1. No man is an island. 

As cliché as it sounds, and as reluctant as I am to admit it, there is a reason why we are born in a world where we need to be in society. No matter how ‘independent’ you are, sometimes you need to tear down the wall, and ask people for their hand.

2. It IS an EFFORT to make friends. 

Growing up, I think relationships and friendships comes naturally that i don’t even need to think about it, from my classmates, my neighbours of the same age, the junior and the seniors in our school, and our family. I don’t think so I have ever been in a situation where I really need to put me myself out there and struggling and desperate to find ‘another soul’ to befriend with. Now, I need to allocate the time myself to go out and interact with people, and remembering to keep in touch with them after some time before we drifted away and be back to stranger point. It is hard, but the human interaction is also what i need the most as an international student. 

And afterwards

3. Balancing your life and the social life.

 It is nice when you got to know a lot from people, friends of your friends and all. BUT, as a huge introvert, it gets overwhelming at times. And that’s the moment I need to start drawing lines back, to not let myself be ‘drowned’ in the presence of others. It is very hard to keep the balance between them, especially since I never ‘learn’ nor ‘experienced’ this kind of situation before. For now, it is enough for me to allocate one day in a week for ‘socialising’. It will take me a few days to recharge, and then I can use my energy again for study, and other things.

4. You are the sailor of your own ship. 

Coming here, it is like a reset button. Like a toddler who plays with the building blocks, acting like an architect in building the tallest tower, but then the towers crumble down, again and again.

That’s me, I felt like a toddler, with no prior knowledge nor talent in being an ‘architect’, in my case it is in being a ‘human’. I never get to ‘drive’ my own life, it was all set to me; going to school, studying, joining the allocated clubs and programs, and that’s all.

Now I’m here, there’s no one who tell me what to do, or someone who I can follow. It all’s up to me. I need to seek out there, try and error, like dipping your french fries to different kinds of sauces, to find the one that is the most to your liking. 

This is the hardest and the longest thing to do, because preferences changes, people changes, circumstances changes. I need to set my priority, juggle between them, and find my own ‘colour’, so I do not only live to ‘live’, but also to ‘feel’ the life (:

So in short, the biggest lessons are about relationships with humans and ‘being human’.

Pretty much a ‘welcome to adulthood’-existential-kind-of-realisations. Haha.

I do not know whether I will be okay along the way, which is very unlikely considering the rough path I’m choosing right now. But well,

you’re 20 right now. (:

Some photo dumps-

Can you see that I am trying to love the city?