On gratitude and living in the moment - an entry from Acropolis, Greece

It is 11 October 2024, and I am sitting in a cosy bookstore-cafe just a stone’s throw away from Acropolis, Greece. 

I can’t believe I am here, enjoying a velvety cup of hot chocolate, comforted by the wooden-cosy interior of the cafe filed with books, with the sound of people chattering at the background dancing lightly in my ears. It is my sixth day here in Athens, and I am here for a short mobility project on natural products and drug development. It is my second time joining this kind of program- and I am truly grateful for the opportunity.

After a long, long summer full of occurrences and turbulent of heart- but also felt short, I am back to the land of Europe, thousands of miles away from the comfort of home. It is a hard goodbye to my loved ones— especially since it was the first time I’ve seen them after almost 3 years of dedicating myself as a student, ‘perantau’— berjihad menuntut ilmu di tanah asing.

I thought it would be hard again to adapt back to everything— the life that I left in Romania since a year ago, since I was in Scotland for my exchange year. The language, the culture, the people—

But alhamdulillah, 2 weeks have passed, and I have been overwhelmingly blessed by Allah through every seconds that I breathe. 

I moved out to my new cămin (dormitory) that offer the best condition out of all other 4 cămine I have resided before, I was blessed with a sweet and kind roommate that share the same passions as I am, I met and rekindled back with my old classmates and colleagues, I got great and helpful professors that understand my situation and difficulties in learning, I met another hijabi at the faculty (!!)— and all other countless blessings I encountered everyday!

Just a few months ago, I was dreading to come back to Romania- because I was afraid that I need to ‘relive’ all those challenges and drawbacks— to switch back to the ‘survival mode’ back after experiencing a delightful exchange year in the UK, and mostly because of the language. Though I love Romanian language, every second of my time at the university felt like a chain of burden on my shoulders— to force my brain to work double-triple times to decipher the language. I feel the most foolish in my cohort as I can’t understand the basic instructions, or to even reply to a basic question asked by my professor. I always need to ask my friend to explain things for me, and borrow their notes as I am not capable of understanding and capturing the information from the lectures. I felt helpless— it felt like my mouth was shut and I am incapable of expressing myself— always conscious about how I try to speak Romanian, as I am certain I sounded not better than a toddler. 

But, two weeks in, and I felt like ‘it is not that bad actually’. I managed to keep and maintain simple conversations with my friends without feeling too much of anxiety. I am able to go out with a Romanian friend for the whole day and speak Romanian with her (though I still struggled a lot to construct cohesive sentences). My class schedule is not that bad (I still have 8am-8pm classes but it’s doable), I met kind and thoughtful people at the faculty, feel the crisp autumn wind brushing my face lightly every morning, and I got the chance to experience living in the historiacal land of Athens, Greece (with scholarships!). Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli 🥹

So, talking about Greece…

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much before coming here. I was just thinking of it as an ‘escapism’ for me from my struggles in Romania. But then- the first day kicked off. Though I encountered some problems upon my arrival, my following days have been filled with smiles and warmth in my heart! 

The program that I joined is a blended intensive program of pharmaceutical science— in which I had daily virtual lectures on relevant topics, with a week of physical mobility at the National and Kapodistrian University of Athens (NKUA). When I was applying to this program back in spring 2024, I wasn’t really hoping much to get in, as I was also at lost about the directions of research I want to pursue in for the future. But alhamdulillah, amidst all the rejection of internships I got back then, I finally get a ray of light with hope. And coincidentally, the program aligned pretty much with my final year project! So I learnt really A LOT from the lectures— meeting wonderful professors and master and Ph.D students to ask advices for. Such a priceless experience <3

And…. I fell in love with Athens! Such a historical city, bustling with the living-in-the-moment vibe. There are stories to every road— with beautiful cafes and restaurants that’s always full of people. Everyone just seems to be enjoying their day-to-day life here! The same at the faculty, everyone was just sooo kind and chill. Despite the heaviness of the lecture materials, we got to enjoy our time and be at a slower pace to adapt with everything (:

If I got the rizq, I might want to live here for a while! 

I was also very enthusiastic when listening to the lectures! Every single of the presentations were very intriguing— especially those on drug delivery methods. Though I feel quite behind from others as I came from a more of molecular biology background, as opposed to chemistry/pharmacology background, I felt like a little kid learning the alphabets all over again! And I was pretty active in the classes?? I ask questions to satiate my curiosity— even if those questions sounds too basic/dumb to ask. But I guess, I was also just happy that I can fully express myself in English— a luxury of asking questions in class that I don’t have in Romania (:

Now that I think about it again, it is sooo beautiful how Allah has planned and organised everything for me. Like I wrote previously, I was dreaded and devastated over the past few months. Though I think I did have the best time of my life in Scotland, but I was at lost- total lost. I got rejected from all the programs I applied— lab volunteer and internships. Nothing really works out for me. But then I got accepted to this BIP program, and I feel the sparks in my heart again that made me fall in love with research and studying! What a privilege for us humans, at this times with the technology, that we are able to design and create such cures to help fellow human <3

I can’t wait to go back to Romania and start to study diligently all the knowledge that He bestowed us! And I am hoping, deeply hoping that with the remaining time of mine in Romania, I will be able to overcome my anxiety— and express myself to the world again, despite the language barrier.

And lastly, I am praying that I will get to represent muslim in the best way possible. I have a lot of shortcomings, and being away from Islamic environment might not help me much. But it can actually be the opposite— as I am able to be more genuine and truthful of my actions and efforts. Not to please the ‘society’, but to please Allah, and Allah alone, insya Allah.

Amidst my brief time in Athens, I got reminded back to my old 11 years old self. I remembered watching-and-reading ’99 Cahaya di Lang Eropa’, an Indonesian film revolves the story of Hanum and Rangga- a married couple continuing their studies together in Germany. As I have been dreaming about studying and living in Europe, this movie served as a pivotal point for my dream to manifest in my heart. To live my dream abroad, and also to embody the life as a muslim in the foreign land. To be ‘agent muslimah yang baik’— that’s the motto I have been holding on to, that I wish to uphold as long as I am breathing, in sya Allah. Though I still have a lot, A LOT of shortcomings, may Allah ease everything for me, for you, and for everyone who are trying their best to strive as a better Servant, daughter and son, student, friend, partner, and human.

Amin ya rabbal alamin <3

song playing: ‘Cahaya di Langit itu’ by Fatin

Love,

Heba

22:10 Athens, Greece (Little Tree Books and Coffee)

11.10.24

an excerpt from doctor slump

"back then,

I thought if i kept trying hard as i’d always done,

life would continue to be just fine like it had been before

back then 

I thought all i had to do was look ahead and keep moving

however,

things in life didn’t work out the way we wanted."

• doctor slump, 1희

Another day in Edinburgh - 3 days before leaving

It is D-3 before I leave Scotland.

It is such a strange feeling. Today it is Friday. And I took a train to Edinburgh right after I finished a meeting at Boyd’s Orr building on my campus. Since I accomplished the Undergraduate Skills Award by my college (Medical, Veterinary, and Life Sciences - MVLS), I was invited to a focus group to have a conversation on it. I met other students; a medical, and a psychology student who are graduating soon (the very next week!!!). It was exciting meet other students who has similar motivations and inspiration. I truly enjoyed every second of it, and listening to each person’s thoughts and train of thinking attentively made me subconsciously reflect upon myself as well.

It was such a good way of starting my final Friday in Glasgow (:

Though I’ve been to Edinburgh a few times over the course of my exchange year (prolly 3-4 times?), I never get tired of visiting it. This city truly has its charms (that obviously everyone knows). I used to romanticise the city, and it totally lives up to my expectations. But more importantly, it is the fact that this city is a safe haven for bibliophiles.  Since my previous visits have been consisting of exploring the city- most memorable ones were admiring the romantic Carlton Hill and going to the wondrous Dean’s Village, now I am dedicating this half-day visit to exploring independent bookstores in a hunt for collection-able second-hand books. Walking through the bustling Victoria Street, reminiscing the tale behind the ‘last drop restaurant’ that my friend told me during my first visit here, it feels a bit of bittersweet. 

I went to several independent bookstores. But to my disappointment (rephrase), I only bought one, despite my ambitious goal of buying 3 books at least. One of the reason is because I couldn’t find those classics that I’m familiar with the hardcover/leather-binded cover. The second reason is, to my surprise, they’re pretty expensive…

Well it makes sense. Those are the limited editions that has been preserved through decades, a remnants of the past. But, when I bought some in Glasgow they were being sold in a pretty reasonable price. The conclusion that I came to is that prolly due to them being sold in Edinburgh- thus more expensive.

So, I am pretty satisfied with only bringing home 1 copy of a classic. The famously heart-wrenching „Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte. Actually when I want to pick up classics, I was a bit unsure. I’ve only read very very few classics, due to its lengthy and very deliberative sentences. It requires more effort and attention, and time, to complete a story. Thus why, I want to start off with stories that I’m familiar with. One of it is this book by Emily Bronte, as it is my mom’s favourite! Though she read it in Arabic (I tried but couldn’t get pass the first sentence…)

Though it cost me 7 pounds, I think it is worth it considering that it’s my mom’s favourite. A price for the attached sentiment that came with it (:

Okay. Enough with the story. Time to go down to my spiralling train of thinking…

I actually just booked my flight ticket yesterday midnight. Yup, very very last minute. It was unavoidable since I had to remain in Glasgow due to some conditions. But, once I booked my ticket, I felt a huge relief in my heart. Oh finally, I am REALLY going home. 

shedding-away-what -I-am-not

People are often shocked when they learn that it’s almost 3 years since I was home. I left home when I was 19, and now I am 22. I left as (still) a teenager, and come back as (hopefully) an adult? I am lying if I say I’m not nervous… I think this year has changed me in a lot of ways.

Well, rather than say ‘changing’, I want to say ‘shedding-away-what -I-am-not’. I discovered new sides of my that I never knew I have, I stepped out of my comfort zone and did some (amazing?) stuffs, I learnt how to appreciate myself more. And this is not only due to myself and me alone, but rather, I am crediting this to each of amazing people I met here. Even for those that I met briefly, on a random solo-trip to nowhere…

Temporary is not a bad thing

Another lesson I learnt is that, everything is temporary, because that’s how life is. 

În April and May, I was dreading to the fact that I am going to leave my friend. The genuine friendships, and my first ‘girlhoodness’ that I luckily experienced here. Though all this time I’ve been living with being okay for being alone. Surviving years of detaching away from people (in a not obvious way), I’ve guarded my heart hard and firm. But, this is the first time I felt genuine warmth and kindness that comes out from a group of friends. It is something new that I never felt before. And before I realised it, I’ve lowered down my guard and let these warmth to seep into my heart. How can I live without my girlies now? Those precious souls that are always supportive and encouraging, that always have my back when I am hitting the rock bottom (due to my own attack and insecurity). If the past me foresee this, she would’ve condemned me for letting this happened in the first place. But now, I realised that, probably it is a good thing. Of course it will be a wonderful thing to stay young forever and spend our youth with the best people for a long time. But, are you confident that you will still cherish them as it is? Sometimes, it is when we know that we have limited time, limited space, limited encounters- that we start to cherish something a lot more. Maybe that’s the lesson that Allah is telling me. Everything else is temporary, so do your best to be the best version of a friend, a daughter, a partner… because you never know when will it all pass.

“The notion of it being temporary is what makes it special”

—

Well my train will be arriving in Glasgow very soon, so I guess it times to end it here so I can admire the breath-taking view from the window of this train (:

Till we meet again, the ever-charming Edinburgh.

Love,

Heba

19:55, 21st June 2024
On the train back to Glasgow from Edinburgh with a conflicting-yet-fuzzy heart

Camaraderie and love - an entry from Scotland

 Right now, I am on a spontaneous voyage to the north of Scotland, Oban. This is my first time riding a train further away into Scotland, absolutely much better than the motion sickness-inducing journey on a bus. The scenery from the window just feels like a dream. 

‘’And when you have traveled by train, have you watched the landscape rolling past windows, and listened to the conversations of your fellow passengers, and drifted off to the clacking of the wheels…’’

I have done all of those things.

‘’Exactly. But have you ever, for even one moment, considered how the coal finds its way into the locomotive’s engine? Have you considered in the middle of forest or on a rocky slope how the tracks came to be there in the first place?”

Growing up, I am used to build a huge wall around me. I do radiate warmth and friendliness, but I keep people on the bay just right, preventing anyone to peel more layers of myself. I just feel it a hassle to deal with unnecessary over-emotional situations. I don’t like to be dependant on people, moreover emotionally. ‘I can provide for myself’.

That’s what I thought, and I still think that way. But, a human nature crave interaction and intimacy. 

I could’ve handled it well, if not given the circumstances. Just within one month, sudd
enly I need to fly abroad to continue my studies. It was such a miracle that I still couldn’t believe occurred to me…

[lost entry from lost of train of thoughts] 

Ah, once again I am distracted by the nature. I think writing our thoughts while we are on a train ride is the best— perfect condition to let stream of words come flowing naturally just hoe the train glides on the rail. But oftentimes, I found myself letting my attention drifted to the windows— being an awe at how beautiful Allah has created the nature.

I am incredibly grateful for each journey that I had. Especially when going to breathtaking Scottish lands. How can such beautiful (synonym) place exist? How ungrateful we are a s a human, letting our grade took over in pursuit of temporary monetary vault. I feel like our generation is robbing these beautiful sceneries from our future generations. We should preserve and protect these gift from Allah. 

—

Oban, Scotland 19:59,

June 7, 2024

On planning and regrets

Again, I am on my flight back to Manchester, UK from Marrakesh, Morocco. 

To my left, I can see the beautiful blend of reddish and bluish hues of the sky. Masya Allah.

When we (me and my friend) booked our ticket during Ramadan. I wasn’t thinking a lot about it. It was just that Ryanair happened to offer an affordable price for the flight, so we just grabbed it spontaneously. But weeks after, the regrets came. My trip to Morocco (happened) to be one week I was supposedly to leave the UK. I totally want to maximise my time in Glasgow, Scotland. But then I booked myself a week trip just when I had little time left, how stupid it is? 

So a week before leaving for Morocco. I was blaming myself for not thinking through. Instead of being excited, I was ruminating to the fact that I am ‘wasting’ a week of my counted days left in Glasgow.

But then again, now that I have spent my days here in Morocco, I am glad I made the trip.

I managed to experience a lot of new things, out of my comfort zone. And moreover, I came here with my 4 other friends. I don’t think so I will manage to come here by my own. 

Though some things happen and it was not all smooth, I cherish the experience and memories I created here. We spent 3 nights in Marrakesh, and 2 nights in a tour to the desert.

At first, I was reluctant to go to the desert, because of its inconvenient. Seems cool but nahhh, that’s what I thought. 

But my friend convinced me, thankfully.

It turns out to be one of the most beautiful memories I’ve been blessed with. Alhamdulillah.

Though I need to endure an 8-10 hours of car journey to reach Merzouga dunes (with a lot of motion sickness, almost vomitting, and melting from the scorching sun), I created core memories of riding the camel (argghhHH!!!) and sleeping in the middle of the desert!!! If not now, I don’t think so I will be able to experience this again. 

It was truly a surreal experience.

Alhamdulillah.

Though Morocco was never in my to-go-to list, and enduring the scorching sun is never my thing, Allah blessed me with this journey to make me appreciate things more. 

Though it was never in my plan to go for a week trip away from Glasgow, Allah knows that I might need it. 

An escape from my lament (contemplative, melancholic) heart in Scotland.

Alhamdulillah.

Now, I am ready to come back to my lovely land of Scotland, to the ‘home of my heart’. With a slightly lighter heart and bittersweet feelings.

I am ready to spend my remaining days in Scotland, to cherish and enjoy it to the fullest. Insya Allah.

Love,

Heba 

25th of May,

(22:04 in the plane from Marrakesh, Morocco to Manchester, UK)

All good things need to come to an end.

Right now, I am in the air, having my flight back to the UK from Marrakesh, Morocco.

It is the 25th of May, it’s been about 2 weeks since I finished my final paper as a 2nd year biochemistry student. To be truth, I am not satisfied and proud of my academic this semester. It feels like I didn’t harness my outmost effort into it. I am worried about my grades dropping down. Though everything was fine, the sad thoughts just find its way into my mind and emotions, skewing the effort I have made to make everything correct. 

However, I must remember, I am only human. Though I tried my very best in planning and executing  everything in an orderly manner. Things are bound to happen.

I told my dear friend about it. About my feelings, how I feel like I am just floating in the sky without the grip to the Earth. How no matter hard I tried to pull myself back to the Earth, I kept getting drowned in the sky of thunder and heavy rain. My heart felt so heavy. 

She told me, maybe it is because you are leaving.

Though alhamdulillah, everything went well, I feel the lump in my heart and throat. The feeling that it will all end soon. 

It is hard to cope with the impending reality.

After living on edges for 2 years while I am in Romania, trying my best to be on top of everything, working tremendously hard all days long to get the best mark, to get the scholarship for the exchange, I was always constantly on the survival mode. 

Thus, the almost-1-year of living in Glasgow felt like a dream. A dream too good to be true. 

That’s why it is hitting me hard. Now that it is ending. Now that I am leaving. This beautiful chapter of my life. 

Now that my friends are leaving one by one, my heart is saddened. But it also made me realise that, after all, everyone has their own life, their own ‘nest’ where they return. And that I shall return too.

It is a bittersweet feeling. Rather than the straight despair I felt in the past 2 months, I feel rather more in peace. In peace of accepting the reality.

Though I was not on the top of my studies, I did my best in everything else. I went out of my comfort zone and joined various of societies. I took a leap of faith and secured my first part-time job in digital creative industries, I let myself to enjoy the company of friends. Back then, I always ferociously say no to doing something that is not academic or professional related. ‘It is a waste of time. And I can’t afford to gamble my future for these idleness’. 

However, since academic structure here in the UK allows me to be more flexible with time and be more independent, as compared to my student life in Romania where I have full classes and labs from the morning till night, I get to allow myself to explore more things. 

And I am proud of all the things I managed to do in the short span of these 2 semesters. 

Alhamdullillah.

I think Allah is rewarding me with a chance to study in the UK for a year after my effort all these years. My life in Scotland filled in the void of the nontraditional pathway of my university life that I could not accomplish in Romania, due to the language-barrier and all the difficulties that came with it.  Though I didn’t spend all days just studying, like I always do, I did so much more and explore more sides of me. To gain something, you need to sacrifice something. 

I also get to travel more, exploring England, the North Africa, and the beautiful land of Scotland!

Oh how I love Scotland with all my heart.

If love is a place, I would say it is Scotland.

Apart from its university and its people, there is just something else about Scotland that made me fall in love.   

My days at the university, my trips to the north of Scotland,  my solo trips to Dundee and St. Andrews. Oh gosh, how they healed my inner self. That’s why I am not ready to be apart from Scotland, not yet. But every good things need to end. 

Every good things need to end,

For a better thing to come.

That’s what I kept chanting to myself over this month, so I can amicably say my farewell to my life in Scotland. 

Though it is saddening, I do wish and pray that I will be back in Scotland. No matter what’s the reason is for. I just want to reminisce my wee cozy life at this beautiful land of Scotland. 

Insya Allah. 

Love,

Heba

(21:48 Morocco) 

England Spring Trip'24 : Oxford & London (day 1-2) - a rambling

Right now, I am sitting on a bench just by the University of Oxford. Thankfully, Alhamdulilllah, I am back in Oxford for the second time. Hopefully the third time I will be back here with purpose.

Starting this England trip, I was anxious and half-regretting. I thought once classes end, I will have more free time. My schedule will be more flexible. But, no. I still have a lot on my plates, a lot of responsibility that is prying for my energy and attention that I don’t get to enjoy myself. Lethargic? Overwhelmed? Kinda.

I thought this trip is going to be a getaway for me. To shut off from everything and recharge myself. But, works keep trailing me even in my ‘rare-holiday’. But this is actually partly because I wasted the previous week prior to starting my England trip. When I was supposed to be ‘cleaning’ all the work and responsabilities. I am to be blamed, honesty.

But, these kind of thoughts are kind of useless. Why? Because I need them in order to better myself. However, sometimes I feel my expectations vs my capabilities are not up to par. That’s why I feel it this way now. 

But, I guess, I just need to go with it. There is no use of lamenting and complaining. You need to work yourself, you need to keep yourself sane and healthy. There is no one to blame and put the burden on, except from your own self.

Also, actually I shouldn’t regret going on a trip when my mind says no.

Yesterday (1st of April), I arrived in London after an overnight bus ride, explored some places, and came back to a mosque nearby to pray and rest a bit. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting anything. But once I entered the mosque, I was surprised when a sweet girl in front of me asked ‘how can I convert?’ To the receptionist. Masya Allah, I get the goosebump! I ended up accompanying and witnessing her taking syahadah. Masya Allah.

My conversation with her was very enlightening. I feel the need to do more retrospection and self-reflection on my faith and things I actually want (and need) to achieve in this world. We spent the Iftar and Maghreb, and isya’ together. It was really heartwarming masya Allah.

And tonight, right after I am back in London, Insya Allah we will be going to London Central Mosque together! I can’t wait, honestly. 
May Allah bless and ease her path in His way <3 

And may we keep our ukhuwah till Jannah insya Allah Amin <3

-

Oxford reflection:

Coming here again made me realised why I worked hard in the first place. Because I always aim to the sky. Because my parents never set a limit to myself. Because I believe I can go beyond it.

Șo here I am, with (hopefully) new aspirations. 

May Allah ease my journey in obtaining His knowledge.

And May Allah bless everyone who is reading this random writings in ramadan. 

Oxford, UK

- Tue, 2 April’24  (14:05)