Another day in Edinburgh - 3 days before leaving

It is D-3 before I leave Scotland.

It is such a strange feeling. Today it is Friday. And I took a train to Edinburgh right after I finished a meeting at Boyd’s Orr building on my campus. Since I accomplished the Undergraduate Skills Award by my college (Medical, Veterinary, and Life Sciences - MVLS), I was invited to a focus group to have a conversation on it. I met other students; a medical, and a psychology student who are graduating soon (the very next week!!!). It was exciting meet other students who has similar motivations and inspiration. I truly enjoyed every second of it, and listening to each person’s thoughts and train of thinking attentively made me subconsciously reflect upon myself as well.

It was such a good way of starting my final Friday in Glasgow (:

Though I’ve been to Edinburgh a few times over the course of my exchange year (prolly 3-4 times?), I never get tired of visiting it. This city truly has its charms (that obviously everyone knows). I used to romanticise the city, and it totally lives up to my expectations. But more importantly, it is the fact that this city is a safe haven for bibliophiles.  Since my previous visits have been consisting of exploring the city- most memorable ones were admiring the romantic Carlton Hill and going to the wondrous Dean’s Village, now I am dedicating this half-day visit to exploring independent bookstores in a hunt for collection-able second-hand books. Walking through the bustling Victoria Street, reminiscing the tale behind the ‘last drop restaurant’ that my friend told me during my first visit here, it feels a bit of bittersweet. 

I went to several independent bookstores. But to my disappointment (rephrase), I only bought one, despite my ambitious goal of buying 3 books at least. One of the reason is because I couldn’t find those classics that I’m familiar with the hardcover/leather-binded cover. The second reason is, to my surprise, they’re pretty expensive…

Well it makes sense. Those are the limited editions that has been preserved through decades, a remnants of the past. But, when I bought some in Glasgow they were being sold in a pretty reasonable price. The conclusion that I came to is that prolly due to them being sold in Edinburgh- thus more expensive.

So, I am pretty satisfied with only bringing home 1 copy of a classic. The famously heart-wrenching „Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte. Actually when I want to pick up classics, I was a bit unsure. I’ve only read very very few classics, due to its lengthy and very deliberative sentences. It requires more effort and attention, and time, to complete a story. Thus why, I want to start off with stories that I’m familiar with. One of it is this book by Emily Bronte, as it is my mom’s favourite! Though she read it in Arabic (I tried but couldn’t get pass the first sentence…)

Though it cost me 7 pounds, I think it is worth it considering that it’s my mom’s favourite. A price for the attached sentiment that came with it (:

Okay. Enough with the story. Time to go down to my spiralling train of thinking…

I actually just booked my flight ticket yesterday midnight. Yup, very very last minute. It was unavoidable since I had to remain in Glasgow due to some conditions. But, once I booked my ticket, I felt a huge relief in my heart. Oh finally, I am REALLY going home. 

shedding-away-what -I-am-not

People are often shocked when they learn that it’s almost 3 years since I was home. I left home when I was 19, and now I am 22. I left as (still) a teenager, and come back as (hopefully) an adult? I am lying if I say I’m not nervous… I think this year has changed me in a lot of ways.

Well, rather than say ‘changing’, I want to say ‘shedding-away-what -I-am-not’. I discovered new sides of my that I never knew I have, I stepped out of my comfort zone and did some (amazing?) stuffs, I learnt how to appreciate myself more. And this is not only due to myself and me alone, but rather, I am crediting this to each of amazing people I met here. Even for those that I met briefly, on a random solo-trip to nowhere…

Temporary is not a bad thing

Another lesson I learnt is that, everything is temporary, because that’s how life is. 

În April and May, I was dreading to the fact that I am going to leave my friend. The genuine friendships, and my first ‘girlhoodness’ that I luckily experienced here. Though all this time I’ve been living with being okay for being alone. Surviving years of detaching away from people (in a not obvious way), I’ve guarded my heart hard and firm. But, this is the first time I felt genuine warmth and kindness that comes out from a group of friends. It is something new that I never felt before. And before I realised it, I’ve lowered down my guard and let these warmth to seep into my heart. How can I live without my girlies now? Those precious souls that are always supportive and encouraging, that always have my back when I am hitting the rock bottom (due to my own attack and insecurity). If the past me foresee this, she would’ve condemned me for letting this happened in the first place. But now, I realised that, probably it is a good thing. Of course it will be a wonderful thing to stay young forever and spend our youth with the best people for a long time. But, are you confident that you will still cherish them as it is? Sometimes, it is when we know that we have limited time, limited space, limited encounters- that we start to cherish something a lot more. Maybe that’s the lesson that Allah is telling me. Everything else is temporary, so do your best to be the best version of a friend, a daughter, a partner… because you never know when will it all pass.

“The notion of it being temporary is what makes it special”

—

Well my train will be arriving in Glasgow very soon, so I guess it times to end it here so I can admire the breath-taking view from the window of this train (:

Till we meet again, the ever-charming Edinburgh.

Love,

Heba

19:55, 21st June 2024
On the train back to Glasgow from Edinburgh with a conflicting-yet-fuzzy heart

Camaraderie and love - an entry from Scotland

 Right now, I am on a spontaneous voyage to the north of Scotland, Oban. This is my first time riding a train further away into Scotland, absolutely much better than the motion sickness-inducing journey on a bus. The scenery from the window just feels like a dream. 

‘’And when you have traveled by train, have you watched the landscape rolling past windows, and listened to the conversations of your fellow passengers, and drifted off to the clacking of the wheels…’’

I have done all of those things.

‘’Exactly. But have you ever, for even one moment, considered how the coal finds its way into the locomotive’s engine? Have you considered in the middle of forest or on a rocky slope how the tracks came to be there in the first place?”

- excerpt from A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles (2016)

Growing up, I am used to build a huge wall around me. I do radiate warmth and friendliness, but I keep people on the bay just right, preventing anyone to peel more layers of myself. I just feel it a hassle to deal with unnecessary over-emotional situations. I don’t like to be dependant on people, moreover emotionally. ‘I can provide for myself’.

That’s what I thought, and I still think that way. But, a human nature crave interaction and intimacy. 

I could’ve handled it well, if not given the circumstances. Just within one month--

[lost entry from lost of train of thoughts] 

Ah, once again I am distracted by the nature. I think writing our thoughts while we are on a train ride is the best— perfect condition to let stream of words come flowing naturally just how the train glides on the rail. But oftentimes, I found myself letting my attention drifted to the windows— being an awe at how beautiful Allah has created the nature.

I am incredibly grateful for each journey that I had. Especially when going to breathtaking Scottish lands. How can such breath-taking place exists? How ungrateful we are a s a human, letting our grade took over in pursuit of temporary monetary vault. I feel like our generation is robbing these beautiful sceneries from our future generations. We really should preserve and protect these gifts from Allah :'

—

Oban, Scotland 19:59,

June 7, 2024

On planning and regrets

Again, I am on my flight back to Manchester, UK from Marrakesh, Morocco. 

To my left, I can see the beautiful blend of reddish and bluish hues of the sky. Masya Allah.

When we (me and my friend) booked our ticket during Ramadan. I wasn’t thinking a lot about it. It was just that Ryanair happened to offer an affordable price for the flight, so we just grabbed it spontaneously. But weeks after, the regrets came. My trip to Morocco (happened) to be one week I was supposedly to leave the UK. I totally want to maximise my time in Glasgow, Scotland. But then I booked myself a week trip just when I had little time left, how stupid it is? 

So a week before leaving for Morocco. I was blaming myself for not thinking through. Instead of being excited, I was ruminating to the fact that I am ‘wasting’ a week of my counted days left in Glasgow.

But then again, now that I have spent my days here in Morocco, I am glad I made the trip.

I managed to experience a lot of new things, out of my comfort zone. And moreover, I came here with my 4 other friends. I don’t think so I will manage to come here by my own. 

Though some things happen and it was not all smooth, I cherish the experience and memories I created here. We spent 3 nights in Marrakesh, and 2 nights in a tour to the desert.

At first, I was reluctant to go to the desert, because of its inconvenient. Seems cool but nahhh, that’s what I thought. 

But my friend convinced me, thankfully.

It turns out to be one of the most beautiful memories I’ve been blessed with. Alhamdulillah.

Though I need to endure an 8-10 hours of car journey to reach Merzouga dunes (with a lot of motion sickness, almost vomitting, and melting from the scorching sun), I created core memories of riding the camel (argghhHH!!!) and sleeping in the middle of the desert!!! If not now, I don’t think so I will be able to experience this again. 

It was truly a surreal experience.

Alhamdulillah.

Though Morocco was never in my to-go-to list, and enduring the scorching sun is never my thing, Allah blessed me with this journey to make me appreciate things more. 

Though it was never in my plan to go for a week trip away from Glasgow, Allah knows that I might need it. 

An escape from my lament (contemplative, melancholic) heart in Scotland.

Alhamdulillah.

Now, I am ready to come back to my lovely land of Scotland, to the ‘home of my heart’. With a slightly lighter heart and bittersweet feelings.

I am ready to spend my remaining days in Scotland, to cherish and enjoy it to the fullest. Insya Allah.

Love,

Heba 

25th of May,

(22:04 in the plane from Marrakesh, Morocco to Manchester, UK)

All good things need to come to an end.

Right now, I am in the air, having my flight back to the UK from Marrakesh, Morocco.

It is the 25th of May, it’s been about 2 weeks since I finished my final paper as a 2nd year biochemistry student. To be truth, I am not satisfied and proud of my academic this semester. It feels like I didn’t harness my outmost effort into it. I am worried about my grades dropping down. Though everything was fine, the sad thoughts just find its way into my mind and emotions, skewing the effort I have made to make everything correct. 

However, I must remember, I am only human. Though I tried my very best in planning and executing  everything in an orderly manner. Things are bound to happen.

I told my dear friend about it. About my feelings, how I feel like I am just floating in the sky without the grip to the Earth. How no matter hard I tried to pull myself back to the Earth, I kept getting drowned in the sky of thunder and heavy rain. My heart felt so heavy. 

She told me, maybe it is because you are leaving.

Though alhamdulillah, everything went well, I feel the lump in my heart and throat. The feeling that it will all end soon. 

It is hard to cope with the impending reality.

After living on edges for 2 years while I am in Romania, trying my best to be on top of everything, working tremendously hard all days long to get the best mark, to get the scholarship for the exchange, I was always constantly on the survival mode. 

Thus, the almost-1-year of living in Glasgow felt like a dream. A dream too good to be true. 

That’s why it is hitting me hard. Now that it is ending. Now that I am leaving. This beautiful chapter of my life. 

Now that my friends are leaving one by one, my heart is saddened. But it also made me realise that, after all, everyone has their own life, their own ‘nest’ where they return. And that I shall return too.

It is a bittersweet feeling. Rather than the straight despair I felt in the past 2 months, I feel rather more in peace. In peace of accepting the reality.

Though I was not on the top of my studies, I did my best in everything else. I went out of my comfort zone and joined various of societies. I took a leap of faith and secured my first part-time job in digital creative industries, I let myself to enjoy the company of friends. Back then, I always ferociously say no to doing something that is not academic or professional related. ‘It is a waste of time. And I can’t afford to gamble my future for these idleness’. 

However, since academic structure here in the UK allows me to be more flexible with time and be more independent, as compared to my student life in Romania where I have full classes and labs from the morning till night, I get to allow myself to explore more things. 

And I am proud of all the things I managed to do in the short span of these 2 semesters. 

Alhamdullillah.

I think Allah is rewarding me with a chance to study in the UK for a year after my effort all these years. My life in Scotland filled in the void of the nontraditional pathway of my university life that I could not accomplish in Romania, due to the language-barrier and all the difficulties that came with it.  Though I didn’t spend all days just studying, like I always do, I did so much more and explore more sides of me. To gain something, you need to sacrifice something. 

I also get to travel more, exploring England, the North Africa, and the beautiful land of Scotland!

Oh how I love Scotland with all my heart.

If love is a place, I would say it is Scotland.

Apart from its university and its people, there is just something else about Scotland that made me fall in love.   

My days at the university, my trips to the north of Scotland,  my solo trips to Dundee and St. Andrews. Oh gosh, how they healed my inner self. That’s why I am not ready to be apart from Scotland, not yet. But every good things need to end. 

Every good things need to end,

For a better thing to come.

That’s what I kept chanting to myself over this month, so I can amicably say my farewell to my life in Scotland. 

Though it is saddening, I do wish and pray that I will be back in Scotland. No matter what’s the reason is for. I just want to reminisce my wee cozy life at this beautiful land of Scotland. 

Insya Allah. 

Love,

Heba

(21:48 Morocco) 

England Spring solo trip'24 : Oxford & London (day 1-2) - a rambling

Right now, I am sitting on a bench just by the University of Oxford. Thankfully, Alhamdulilllah, I am back in Oxford for the second time. Hopefully the third time I will be back here with purpose.

Starting this England trip, I was anxious and half-regretting. I thought once classes end, I will have more free time. My schedule will be more flexible. But, no. I still have a lot on my plates, a lot of responsibility that is prying for my energy and attention that I don’t get to enjoy myself. Lethargic? Overwhelmed? Kinda.

I thought this trip is going to be a getaway for me. To shut off from everything and recharge myself. But, works keep trailing me even in my ‘rare-holiday’. But this is actually partly because I wasted the previous week prior to starting my England trip. When I was supposed to be ‘cleaning’ all the work and responsabilities. I am to be blamed, honesty.

But, these kind of thoughts are kind of useless. Why? Because I need them in order to better myself. However, sometimes I feel my expectations vs my capabilities are not up to par. That’s why I feel it this way now. 

But, I guess, I just need to go with it. There is no use of lamenting and complaining. You need to work yourself, you need to keep yourself sane and healthy. There is no one to blame and put the burden on, except from your own self.

Also, actually I shouldn’t regret going on a trip when my mind says no.

Yesterday (1st of April), I arrived in London after an overnight solo bus ride, explored some places, and came back to a mosque nearby to pray and rest a bit. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting anything. But once I entered the mosque, I was surprised when a sweet girl in front of me asked ‘how can I convert?’ To the receptionist. Masya Allah, I got the goosebump! I ended up accompanying and witnessing her taking syahadah. Masya Allah.

My conversation with her was very enlightening. I feel the need to do more retrospection and self-reflection on my faith and things I actually want (and need) to achieve in this world. We spent the Iftar and Maghreb, and isya’ together. It was really heartwarming (:

And tonight, right after I am back in London, Insya Allah we will be going to London Central Mosque together! I can’t wait, honestly. 
May Allah bless and ease her path in His way.

And may we keep our ukhuwah till Jannah insya Allah, amin. 

-

Oxford reflection:

Coming here again made me realised why I worked hard in the first place. Because I always aim to the sky. Because my parents never set a limit to myself. Because I believe I can go beyond it.

Șo here I am, with (hopefully) new aspirations. 

May Allah ease my journey in obtaining His knowledge.

And May Allah bless everyone who is reading this random writings in ramadan. 

Oxford, UK

- Tue, 2 April’24  (14:05)