On planning and regrets

Again, I am on my flight back to Manchester, UK from Marrakesh, Morocco. 

To my left, I can see the beautiful blend of reddish and bluish hues of the sky. Masya Allah.

When we (me and my friend) booked our ticket during Ramadan. I wasn’t thinking a lot about it. It was just that Ryanair happened to offer an affordable price for the flight, so we just grabbed it spontaneously. But weeks after, the regrets came. My trip to Morocco (happened) to be one week I was supposedly to leave the UK. I totally want to maximise my time in Glasgow, Scotland. But then I booked myself a week trip just when I had little time left, how stupid it is? 

So a week before leaving for Morocco. I was blaming myself for not thinking through. Instead of being excited, I was ruminating to the fact that I am ‘wasting’ a week of my counted days left in Glasgow.

But then again, now that I have spent my days here in Morocco, I am glad I made the trip.

I managed to experience a lot of new things, out of my comfort zone. And moreover, I came here with my 4 other friends. I don’t think so I will manage to come here by my own. 

Though some things happen and it was not all smooth, I cherish the experience and memories I created here. We spent 3 nights in Marrakesh, and 2 nights in a tour to the desert.

At first, I was reluctant to go to the desert, because of its inconvenient. Seems cool but nahhh, that’s what I thought. 

But my friend convinced me, thankfully.

It turns out to be one of the most beautiful memories I’ve been blessed with. Alhamdulillah.

Though I need to endure an 8-10 hours of car journey to reach Merzouga dunes (with a lot of motion sickness, almost vomitting, and melting from the scorching sun), I created core memories of riding the camel (argghhHH!!!) and sleeping in the middle of the desert!!! If not now, I don’t think so I will be able to experience this again. 

It was truly a surreal experience.

Alhamdulillah.

Though Morocco was never in my to-go-to list, and enduring the scorching sun is never my thing, Allah blessed me with this journey to make me appreciate things more. 

Though it was never in my plan to go for a week trip away from Glasgow, Allah knows that I might need it. 

An escape from my lament (contemplative, melancholic) heart in Scotland.

Alhamdulillah.

Now, I am ready to come back to my lovely land of Scotland, to the ‘home of my heart’. With a slightly lighter heart and bittersweet feelings.

I am ready to spend my remaining days in Scotland, to cherish and enjoy it to the fullest. Insya Allah.

Love,

Heba 

25th of May,

(22:04 in the plane from Marrakesh, Morocco to Manchester, UK)

All good things need to come to an end.

Right now, I am in the air, having my flight back to the UK from Marrakesh, Morocco.

It is the 25th of May, it’s been about 2 weeks since I finished my final paper as a 2nd year biochemistry student. To be truth, I am not satisfied and proud of my academic this semester. It feels like I didn’t harness my outmost effort into it. I am worried about my grades dropping down. Though everything was fine, the sad thoughts just find its way into my mind and emotions, skewing the effort I have made to make everything correct. 

However, I must remember, I am only human. Though I tried my very best in planning and executing  everything in an orderly manner. Things are bound to happen.

I told my dear friend about it. About my feelings, how I feel like I am just floating in the sky without the grip to the Earth. How no matter hard I tried to pull myself back to the Earth, I kept getting drowned in the sky of thunder and heavy rain. My heart felt so heavy. 

She told me, maybe it is because you are leaving.

Though alhamdulillah, everything went well, I feel the lump in my heart and throat. The feeling that it will all end soon. 

It is hard to cope with the impending reality.

After living on edges for 2 years while I am in Romania, trying my best to be on top of everything, working tremendously hard all days long to get the best mark, to get the scholarship for the exchange, I was always constantly on the survival mode. 

Thus, the almost-1-year of living in Glasgow felt like a dream. A dream too good to be true. 

That’s why it is hitting me hard. Now that it is ending. Now that I am leaving. This beautiful chapter of my life. 

Now that my friends are leaving one by one, my heart is saddened. But it also made me realise that, after all, everyone has their own life, their own ‘nest’ where they return. And that I shall return too.

It is a bittersweet feeling. Rather than the straight despair I felt in the past 2 months, I feel rather more in peace. In peace of accepting the reality.

Though I was not on the top of my studies, I did my best in everything else. I went out of my comfort zone and joined various of societies. I took a leap of faith and secured my first part-time job in digital creative industries, I let myself to enjoy the company of friends. Back then, I always ferociously say no to doing something that is not academic or professional related. ‘It is a waste of time. And I can’t afford to gamble my future for these idleness’. 

However, since academic structure here in the UK allows me to be more flexible with time and be more independent, as compared to my student life in Romania where I have full classes and labs from the morning till night, I get to allow myself to explore more things. 

And I am proud of all the things I managed to do in the short span of these 2 semesters. 

Alhamdullillah.

I think Allah is rewarding me with a chance to study in the UK for a year after my effort all these years. My life in Scotland filled in the void of the nontraditional pathway of my university life that I could not accomplish in Romania, due to the language-barrier and all the difficulties that came with it.  Though I didn’t spend all days just studying, like I always do, I did so much more and explore more sides of me. To gain something, you need to sacrifice something. 

I also get to travel more, exploring England, the North Africa, and the beautiful land of Scotland!

Oh how I love Scotland with all my heart.

If love is a place, I would say it is Scotland.

Apart from its university and its people, there is just something else about Scotland that made me fall in love.   

My days at the university, my trips to the north of Scotland,  my solo trips to Dundee and St. Andrews. Oh gosh, how they healed my inner self. That’s why I am not ready to be apart from Scotland, not yet. But every good things need to end. 

Every good things need to end,

For a better thing to come.

That’s what I kept chanting to myself over this month, so I can amicably say my farewell to my life in Scotland. 

Though it is saddening, I do wish and pray that I will be back in Scotland. No matter what’s the reason is for. I just want to reminisce my wee cozy life at this beautiful land of Scotland. 

Insya Allah. 

Love,

Heba

(21:48 Morocco) 

England Spring solo trip'24 : Oxford & London (day 1-2) - a rambling

Right now, I am sitting on a bench just by the University of Oxford. Thankfully, Alhamdulilllah, I am back in Oxford for the second time. Hopefully the third time I will be back here with purpose.

Starting this England trip, I was anxious and half-regretting. I thought once classes end, I will have more free time. My schedule will be more flexible. But, no. I still have a lot on my plates, a lot of responsibility that is prying for my energy and attention that I don’t get to enjoy myself. Lethargic? Overwhelmed? Kinda.

I thought this trip is going to be a getaway for me. To shut off from everything and recharge myself. But, works keep trailing me even in my ‘rare-holiday’. But this is actually partly because I wasted the previous week prior to starting my England trip. When I was supposed to be ‘cleaning’ all the work and responsabilities. I am to be blamed, honesty.

But, these kind of thoughts are kind of useless. Why? Because I need them in order to better myself. However, sometimes I feel my expectations vs my capabilities are not up to par. That’s why I feel it this way now. 

But, I guess, I just need to go with it. There is no use of lamenting and complaining. You need to work yourself, you need to keep yourself sane and healthy. There is no one to blame and put the burden on, except from your own self.

Also, actually I shouldn’t regret going on a trip when my mind says no.

Yesterday (1st of April), I arrived in London after an overnight solo bus ride, explored some places, and came back to a mosque nearby to pray and rest a bit. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting anything. But once I entered the mosque, I was surprised when a sweet girl in front of me asked ‘how can I convert?’ To the receptionist. Masya Allah, I got the goosebump! I ended up accompanying and witnessing her taking syahadah. Masya Allah.

My conversation with her was very enlightening. I feel the need to do more retrospection and self-reflection on my faith and things I actually want (and need) to achieve in this world. We spent the Iftar and Maghreb, and isya’ together. It was really heartwarming (:

And tonight, right after I am back in London, Insya Allah we will be going to London Central Mosque together! I can’t wait, honestly. 
May Allah bless and ease her path in His way.

And may we keep our ukhuwah till Jannah insya Allah, amin. 

-

Oxford reflection:

Coming here again made me realised why I worked hard in the first place. Because I always aim to the sky. Because my parents never set a limit to myself. Because I believe I can go beyond it.

Șo here I am, with (hopefully) new aspirations. 

May Allah ease my journey in obtaining His knowledge.

And May Allah bless everyone who is reading this random writings in ramadan. 

Oxford, UK

- Tue, 2 April’24  (14:05)

The Shepherd King duology by Rachel Gill review

"The Shepherd King" duology  captivated me in a genre I never thought would held my interest—the Gothic. Rachel’s duuology with its familiar premise of forbidden magic and generational curse, transcends the ordinary by seamlessly weaving a uniquely magical tale. 

The narrative unfolds around a group of individuals, a maiden, a Destrier captain, a highwayman, a bethroed, and a prince. Each leading distinct lives yet intricately connected in their quest to break the chains of a curse plaguing their kingdom. An enchanted mist, driven by curse, engulfs the kingdom and induce a madness that stems from the lost of their talismen. The spellbinding storytelling, adorned with poetry and enigmatic riddles immersed me wholly in this fantastic realms. 

What sets Rachel’s work apart is her ability to infuse the characters with life, portraying them in a raw and unfiltered manner. The palpable pain and the yearning for liberation from their own traumas resonated through  the pages, allowing me to empathise with their struggles. The characters’ depth and complexity became a conduit for me to vicariously experience their journey, making the narrative all the more enthralling. 

I am grateful to have stumbled upon this literary jewel, and eagerly anticipate more from Rachel in the future!

• Heba, in the mist of Scotland 2024.

      

21. la revedere

 North-east of Scotland - St. Andrews & Dundee

It is 21st of January, and I will turn 22 in 9 days. 

22, what a lovely number. 2 is my lucky number. I just love how it looks like, and how ‘dua’, ‘doi’, and ‘two’ sounds in my ears. Right now, I am in the bus X24 from St. Andrews, patiently waiting till I got back home to Glasgow. It is going to be a tiring 3 hours journey, but my heart is delighted. 

22, I was sad because I will no longer be able to use my YoungScot card to travel freely around Scotland. Why 22? Why not 23? Such a terrible timing that my birthday happens to be earlier this year, ripping out the privilege I would have had if I am not 22 yet. That’s why I want to travel around Scotland as much as I can before the clock turns. However, I spent the most of my time in Scotland in 2023 physically-disabled. I couldn’t make use of my privilege to travel around. Then January came, but I only had 2 weeks left, 2 weekends. Though my heart screams to travel, and travel, but I have my responsibilities and commitments to settle. Study and work. Not that I am complaining of them, they keep me alive. But what a terrible timing. But I set out to travel anyway during my weekend, when I am used to be staying at the campus even on Saturday and Sunday. 

22, I was reluctant. People might thought I am a wanderlust traveller. It seems like I am always traveling and be out in the crowd. But no. I am actually a huge homebody. Staying at home is a joy for me. Solitary and silent is my delight. But, I am scared that I would run out of time if I don’t go out. I only have less than 1 year left in Romania. I only have 5 months more left in Scotland. I will not longer be 22, and have the energy and freedom away from adult responsibilities to travel out by my own. To pause what is left to me and seek the wonder. It’s the FOMO. How inelegant it may sounds. But I do have the FOMO of wasting my youth of not doing things freely. 2023, I travelled to Tubingen in Germany, Warsaw in Poland, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Coventry, Oxford, and London in the UK, and Sighisoara, Cluj-Napoca, Iasi, and Suceava in Romania. Majority are solo-travelling, which I prefer much. It was because I fear I would regret not visiting those cities. ‘If not now, when?’. Turns out, traveling is fun, especially if you are by your own. Hopping on the bus and train, with a cup of coffee and pre-made sandwiches tossed in the bag to save money, admiring the breath-taking views, striking architecture, random pleasantry exchanged between strangers, the feeling of independence. 

22, I feel like an adult for the first time. When I first moved to Romania in November 2021, I felt like the clock stopped ticking. I was still the 19-years old Heba who was super enthusiastic of living and studying abroad. I was still a petite 19-years old girl trying to find her place in this world. I was still the 19-years old girl who is willing to do anything to achieve her goals and dreams. I don’t consider myself as an adult. It scares me. The responsibilities and commitments that come with it. Being qn adult is not the most glorified thing, not a fact that one would like to boast of. 

22, just before I turn 22, I was still 21. NOW, I am still 21. I bought my first MacBook Air, with the hard-earned money I saved over the course of 2-3 years of living abroad. I also bought an Apple Pencil that I’ve been eyeing forever, though it is a second-hand. But I did it, big purchases in my early 20s. It does feel different when you bought something by your own money. It is not to be taken granted. I bought these to invest in my studies and future. For productivity purposes. And I am glad I did it. I guess I need to also thank Zahid for his priceless advice. It is never a waste to invest in something for your self. For the future you.

22, I got my first unofficial job! I am excited for my new role. But also, this means I need to manage my time wisely to juggle between my studies and work. I am also taking up more commitments this year, 6 different roles, 6 different responsabilities, 6 different commitments. I guess I feel ‘more adult’ now that I am not only preoccupied with studying. It is intimidating, and I don’t know how I am going to cope with everything. But it needs to be done, if I want to learn more, and improve myself. It is for the future me. 

22, I hope this year is going to be nicer to me. Not the external occurrences, by my attitude towards myself. Yes, I have a lot to do and to learn, yes, I will make silly mistakes, Yes, it is not going to be a smooth journey and you will get burnt-out by times. But it is okay . It is normal. It is not the end of the world if you don’t get to be on top of everything. Because after all, you are only a human. A human who strives to be better, not perfection. Because perfection is only for Allah S.W.T.

22, I am excited for you. 

21, till we meet again in memories. I would cherish you with my whole heart.

Love,

Heba

14:40, 

In the mist of Dundee, Scotland

@Edinburgh

이번 생도 잘 부탁해 (See You in My 19th Life) Review

At first, I wasn't particularly interested in watching this drama. Though I am a huge fan of webtoon, I have only read Lee Hye's previous webtoon "(오늘도 사랑스럽개) which I enjoyed so much. The pivotal moment that made me change my mind was when I stumbled upon its OSTs, 'Star' by Colde and 'Silence' by Sunwoojunga. The first note captured my heart. Though both songs have different nuances and rhythms, they tugged at my heartstrings. The warmth exuded by these songs made me crave more, and more. 

I would love to read the webtoon first. Usually when there's a movie/drama based on a book, I would try to read the original work first. But this time, my patience run out, and I just want to dive right into the story knowing that it won't disappoint me. I have my trust on the OSTs, and Shin Hye Sun, a phenomenal actress that secured her spot in my top actress list!

S y n o p s i s

Ban Ji Eum has an extraordinary ability: she can remember the memories of all her past lives. Repeating her reincarnation for nearly a thousand years, Ban Ji Eum has been living all her lives diligently. After her previous life is cut short by a tragic accident, she sets out to reconnect with the people of her past life in her current one, and decides to find a man named Moon Seo Ha, whom she met in her 18th life. Will memories of her 18th life sabotage romance in her 19th? Or will love endure across different lives?

On the other side, there is also Yoon Cho Won, a landscape architect and the younger sister of Yoon Joo Won, whose life collapsed after her older sister's death. She is courageous and kind, even after facing the death of her beloved sister, but she struggles to maintain her brightness. When Yoon Cho Won meets Ban Ji Eum by chance and sees her older sister in her, she wonders about Ban Ji Eum’s identity.

Then there's Ha Do Yoon, Moon Seo Ha’s secretary and best friend since childhood. Although they come from completely different backgrounds, Ha Do Yoon feels some kind of affinity for him.

R e v i e w

I thoroughly enjoyed watching every episodes. Recently, I got into an accident and injured my leg. Being immobile for a few weeks, this drama accompany me in my recovery journey. Here are some points that made me appreciate this production:

1. Cinematography and fashion

Literally gorgeous! I appreciate the symmetric shooting and how they play with the angles. Especially the flashback scenes of Ban Ji Eum's previous lives are very enigmatic and dreamy. The fashion curation of each character is also worth noting, especially for Ban Ji Eum. I must say her cozy-professional and clean-cut looks are my preferences, they add more idea to what I want to wear!

2. The OSTs

I can't speak enough about this. They captivated my heart and soul from the first moment I listened to them. They transmit the longing and grief emotions conveyed from the screen to the viewers and listeners. As someone who enjoys staying in a melancholic state, they have been on repeat for weeks now.

The tracks that stand out to me:

I. Silence by Sunwoojunga

II. Stars by Colde

III. I'll Embrace Your Past by Ahn Bo Hyun

3. Characters

Ban Ji-Eum is a really witty and cunning character and Shin Hye Sun managed to bring her to life with her remarkable and unarguable charms! Despite being someone who has lived long enough and has gone through the perpetual trails of life full of suffering and farewells, Ban Ji-Eum still shows her vulnerability towards her own emotions, though she tries to swallow them up by herself and conceal those feelings. One scene that struck me was in episode 3 when she 'met' her past life's mother. Being deranged and aching with longing, her desires burst out with yearning for her motherly love back, the warmth she received for the short span of time of her previous life. It might be thrilling to remember all your past lives, but having to tuck away those sufferings and emotions alone, is painful. 

Mun Seo Ha, I just want to give him a warm hug. Seeing how he grew up with guilt and full of mournfulness ached my heart. Especially when flashbacks of the accidents are coming back haunting him, I can't imagine how bruised his heart is enduring his immense grief. The presence of Ban Ji-Eum in his life is a remedy for his bleak life. Sometimes, I want to shout out that she is the Ji-Won he has been longing for! Ahn Bo-Hyun totally succeeded in demonstrating his character and captivating the viewers' sympathy, I applaud that!

The other characters are all endearing and phenomenally presented. Yoon Cho-Won undeniably showcased her charms as the younger sister of Ji-Won with her bubbly and clumsy personality, but also exuding her honesty and unwavering determination in expressing her feelings to Ha Do-Woon. Ha Do-Woon may seem blunt and aloof, but considering his rough upbringing from losing his father at such a young age, having to take the role of the provider of the family to raise his only brother, and crawling his way out to make a better life for them both, it is no wonder why he closed his heart and set up a wall against emotional feelings. Constantly in a survival mood and being tense and cautious, it is difficult for him to let people come closer as one might get hurt in the process. I was endearingly rooting for them both, and I am glad they worked out in the end (':

I really adore the dynamic of all the characters. Ae-Gyeong is such a precious character that I want to protect with all my heart. I am very happy that she got to reconnect back with her 'uncle' and share the happiness together, my heart is full <3

Lessons I learnt

1. Do not wait for the right moment, the right time is now.

2. When you care for people, there will be people who care for you too.

3. Life is not meant to be 'solved', it is meant to be 'lived'.

V e r d i c t

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It is my new comfort drama. Despite the comments about how the characters aren't deep enough and how the story is rushed, I find myself not thinking the same! For me, the director and screenwriter did a great job in introducing each character and showcasing them in a way viewers could empathise with them deeply. Especially the childhood scenes, those are the main scene stealers! Combined with the eye-pleasing cinematography and endearing soundtracks, they rode our emotions successfully. I also applaud how they managed to make such a vibrant and witty script while maintaining the underlying somber tone throughout the story. They stroke the balance perfectly that I can't ask for more. As much as I would love the story to be 16 episodes long, I do think 12 episodes is a perfect choice. There is a lot of loose being unthreaded, or as they said, 'loopholes'. But I don't think it's necessary to explain everything, as it might take away the enigmatic essence and excitement of the storytelling. I also like to think of it as a way that the scriptwriter gives us the chance to let our imagination wander (:  

8.5/10

Q u o t e s

“Everything in life has an end, and everyone experiences loss.” 

“No one ever fully matures in their life. We just pretend to be.”

“I’ll learn things gradually. And change things gradually, too.” 

"Our souls will become one, and we will find peace."

Burning brightly.

 It took me 21 years to truly realized how blessed I am.

Blessings come not just in the form of materials; money, and achievements. But it comes in all little things in an unexpected way. You just need to search for it. 

In the first semester, I worked very hard. It was a cold, isolating moment where I pushed myself to the edge. Feeling hopeless and questioning everything I've worked on until now. I fell into despair and was locked in a long tunnel with no way to reach the beams of light. 

But now, I started to see how my hard work is paid off. It just comes one by one, that it feels surreal how Allah is blessing me with all of this. It kinda feels like I am undeserving of all of this. That these are temporary and I can just fall back into that spiralling darkness again. 

Those are nonsense thoughts. A bit pessimistic.

I try to keep this momentum, to work even harder. Since Allah has blessed me with things I never expected before, and surrounded me with kind and beautiful souls, I couldn't retract and run away, or devour in the pleasure and strayed from my original purpose. The blessings are a means as a tool for me to use to lead my life better. To aid me in my plan towards realizing my purpose in life. A purpose that seems too overwhelming to bear, but I couldn't choose otherwise. 

This semester, I feel like maybe I kind of pushed myself a bit over the edge. I experimented with things, and see how far can I go. Playing on the boundaries of your comfort zone is never an easy job. But I know I needed these so I can develop myself. By stretching my 'training field' in this life, I can acquire much more. Though it was hard, I'm glad I did it. 

Some people might say I pushed myself too much, that I am too 'ambitious' for no reason, and that burnout-ness will soon crawl into me. They are not wrong though. But I am doing these knowing the consequences. I believe humans are made to not stay in the same place for so long. When you have your purposes, when the flame in your heart keeps blazing and burning the coal inside your body, it is hard to settle for less. As for myself, I know that I am not carrying only myself, but also the hopes and prayers of my parents and my loved ones, which are unconditional. I am not the only one sacrificing in this journey. My parents have worked so hard in their life to let me chase my dreams. How can I stay still and let their sacrifices be in vain? These thoughts make it hard for me to stay in my comfort bubble and only resort to easy and conventional paths like everyone else's. Though sometimes it is overwhelming to bear, my excitement and hopes for the future exceed it all. I know that for every step I make, I try to be mindful of everything. I am not doing this to live a 'hustling gen z' life, or as an 'overachiever who can't take a break'. I am doing this because I want it. Because I have my own purposes that I fight for. Surely, overwhelmedness and burnout are inevitable. But that's part of the process. Just like how a laptop can overheat in long use, we humans go through that too. So, it is important to acknowledge these signals, embrace them, and treat them as a part of the journey. Not as a hindrance that breaks your hope. 

Be mindful, be purposeful.

I am a sinner, and I have a lot of shortcomings. But I hope, the flame in myself won't fade. Until I go further, a bit more, a little bit more. If Allah wills, I will keep working and striving for more. Until I can proudly say I lived a meaningful life. If Allah is with me, there is nothing that can stop me.

I wish to burn brightly,

then wilt, like a flame 

- 애신, 미스터 션샤인

bucharest, 7:15 a.m

UNI Semester I - Thoughts & Reflection

 

After 2.5 years of waiting, it is crazy to think how it's been years since I graduated high school. A lot of things happened in that period. After working through the foundation and learning the language, finally I am able to start learning the knowledge I've yearned to delve into. 

It was a moment of joy, and the moment that breaks me too.

Learning a language I have never even heard of in my entire life, I had (and is having) my fair share of difficulty. I spent 7 months of intensive language learning at ASE, but I still sucks haha. Learning a language is certainly not my forte, especially in the talking part. I tried to weave my way through it, but, it is a difficult thing to do. But despite that, I got to pass my language exam, and start my undergrad last fall. 

The first month, horrible.

Imagine going to a faculty, and learning in a foreign language that you only learnt in less than a year? A disaster.

It was a very bleak time for me, as I am unable to understand, nor communicate with people. Worst, in the class. As someone who is very enthusiastic of listening to lectures, not being able to understand a thing breaks me. How can I pass my exams and graduate safely at this point? I was very scared and anxious. 

Though thankfully my professors and friends are the kindest ever- that is a huge relief for me.

But still, the language barrier chained me. I feel like I am trapped in a glass wall, separated by the others. The outside world is muffled, and I felt silenced. 

I can't count how many heartbreaks I had during the entire semester. Barely living, I spent my whole time studying, to catch up with everything. I acknowledge that even though I am in a marathon, I am at a disadvantage as my legs are shackled by weights and burdens (a.k.a the language). I am tens and hundreds of steps behind others. So I need to put an extra effort. 

I studied day and night, during commuting in the metro, during lunch, during the weekend. OOfh it reminds me back to my SPM time, though this time, it is worse (:

But thankfully my professors are very kind and helpful, I tried to always ask them questions just to make sure (AT LEAST), I can understand 1 thing among all the things they taught in the class that day, though it is just a simple thing. I don't want to feel like a total idiot.

Though things seem to change for better as time goes, still, I felt like I am really slow. Things are just going downhill. I am swimming against the vast tide. I put much burden on myself. Until my parents remind me that I am just starting university. Yes, you've learnt the language for 7 months, but you just started the uni now. 

Exactly.

I felt like I didn't learn anything during the 7 months. I failed to realize that those 7 months, are just brief compared to university. The language level in university is (obviously) a much much higher level. I tend to count that I've learnt the language for xx times, but why am I still bad at it? I shifted my starting point to October, where I started my uni. And it makes me feel better, honestly. 

The exam period was dreadful. I feel stressed out knowing that even though I study hard to understand everything, I will still be unable to answer them if I do not know the language. Not to mention how daunting and overwhelming are the subjects I am taking, especially anatomy. YES, anatomy. Imagine learning anatomy in french (since ppl are more familiar with french, they are sister language w/ romanian). I thought I almost lost my mind learning it. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I had 13 papers for the final (all written test), yups, crazy.

So what did I do to overcome it? I studied like crazy. I woke up in the morning and studied till midnight every day. On average I studied 14 hours per day. Well, every student does the same thing. But it was a harsh time for me because of the pressure of the language. I kept thinking, why do I make this crazy decision to do my degree in another language? Why do I take such a harsher path when there was an easier option? Why, and why? It was the moment when studying with tears falling is a daily routine for me. At this point, I just want to pass my exams. I had a few subjects that the passing percentage is not even half of the batch. This freaks me out. Yup, biology is HARD. Forget the A, I am glad with any marks as long as I pass! Nu vreau restanță te rog :'

But even so, I am glad to have great company; my family and friend. They helped me to hold things together. Reassuring me that everything will be alright. That whatever I do, it is enough.

me studying anatomy in Romanian, a nightmare. 

Thankfully, I managed to finish the exams despite breaking down here and there. I am still alive. I survived. Not long after, I got the results of my exams, and they are really shocking. Alhamdulillah, I managed to score a lot higher than I expected (I told you at this point I only hope to pass the exams, to get at least 6.0 (the passing mark is 5.0)).

This is the moment I realised, hard work never betrays you. I am really really thankful for them; my parents, family, zu, and my past self who never gives up ((:

So this, is for everyone who believes in me (:

Things I learnt this semester:

- Hard work will never betray you

- Do your best, and Allah S.W.T will take care of the rest

- There is no limit in life, apart from yourself

- It is OKAY, to have ups and downs

- Gratitudeness, always.

And thus, I would like to end this entry with my favourite verse;

God does not force anyone to do beyond what is within his capacity. Everyone will get the reward he earns and will be responsible for the evil he does

- Al-Baqarah 2:286

Love,

Heba

5:30 a.m., Bucharest, Romania

Heart ripped open.

 The first semester of my degree was the hardest for me to cope with. I doubt myself, (almost) blaming the young girl who was too eager to reach the star when she can't even see the sky clearly. An immense stab in the heart for whose dreams and expectations are to be shattered. 

Why, is it this way?

For the longest time, I have always been burned by such immense passion that keeps constricting my heart that I feel burst out, it has been filled with bright hopes that are too bright that they can blind one's eyes. The apparent marks that I can't just feign ignorance. I know that I will need to go through thorny roads to satiate my desire. I was willing to do so, or so I thought-

I felt helpless and in despair towards the middle of the first semester of my degree. After 2.5 years since high school, finally I get to take my first step, the very precious first step in realising and building my meaningful life. The life that the little girl has been dreaming of and working on for the longest time. I thought that after running and crawling my way to get till this point, I will finally reach the surface of the ocean, to freedom and lightness. But I was wrong. Although I can see the water getting clearer, and more rays of light penetrating my surrounding in the dark ocean, I kept being pushed down by the furious waves, being pulled down by the strong gravity that impede my way up. Suffocating my heart that has been longing for lightness. 

I am one step closer, but am chained. 

(page 1) 

Farewell, 2022

 It is 8:37 pm here, in Bucharest.

31 december, the last day of the year 2022.

At lot has happened this year. Recapping this year, it feels like a long, yet short ride of unexpected, frizziness, blessings and tears.

I finished my romanian language preparatory year at ASE, then summer came, a short yet thrilling one, my very first summer here in. I feel like everything escalated very rapidly and swiftly that I lost the trail of the story of my year that I would like to write here.

But despite everything, I always find myself back to the last day of high school in Malaysia. It was 3 years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. I think that was the moment when my life started to find its way, forming turns and returns, being convoluted and twisted. My days are never a normal one after that day. 

Everything that happened in between that day, until today, was a hazy one. It feels like a dream, a long dream that got me wondering sometimes; how do I get here?

Others who saw my life through my social facade, would perceive me as a girl with such big enthusiasm and inspiration in life, well that's the persona I chose to wear to the world, but they wouldn't know how much I am coping and surviving day by day right now. From early on in my life, a little girl who has the biggest dream in her life, along the way of life, of growing up, has sacrifices a lot, to get where I am now. I know it's not going to be a smooth road, but I thought the road would at least be accompanied by light. Yes, the light is there, though it is a dimmed one, but I never expect it is going to be this dark. Just like what Ji-Ho said, it feels like you are walking in a dark tunnel, you can see there's the light at the end of the tunnel, but every step towards it feels heavy, and you are consumed by the loneliness.

“When I decided to follow my dream, I thought my life would be like walking through a dark tunnel. But I didn’t know it was going to be this dark. I didn’t know it was going to be this lonely.” 

- Ji Ho , BTIMFL episode 2 

Loneliness. It doesn't mean that I am in need of someone by my side, I always enjoy the serendipity of being on my own, the quietness, the calmness, and the tranquillity away from the headache of being in the middle of people's affairs. I love to be away from the hecticness of sensory reality. But what I mean here is the loneliness when I feel detached from my own self. From the blazing 'me' that is always flamed with passions and hopes in life, the reflective 'me' that is holding the melting candle of life very dear to her heart, the ardent 'me' that is always intense in emotions despite the bleak of life, with fervent desires to 'feel'.

That's what I mean.

It is the loneliness, that makes you feel empty.

That's the nightmare I am fearful of. The feeling of nothingness.

Life, is a constant pursuit of yourself. Some people do not even know themselves till the last breath of life, and some people let others to dictate their very life, on how to live, how to think, and how to treat themselves. 

Well actually, screw that.

I don't even know myself, what right do I have to assume other people's lives?

That's actually the problem. 

In the pursuit of finding the truth of ourselves, there are other people along the way. The variables, if you would called it. The existence of the 'variables' could affect your life in a good, or a bad light. Despite how pessimistic I sounded in the previous paragraphs, I would actually say that this is actually the answer, the variables. From meeting each individuals, you carry a piece of them by your heart, no matter how huge or minuscule it is, you're never the same person as before. 

"Having someone walk into your life is actually a very astonishing thing. That's because they bring their past, present and their future with them. That's because, someone's whole life comes along with him. The heart is fragile, therefore, it might have been broken. That heart is coming too."

Each soul, each encounter, is like flipping pages of a never-ending book, with each pages telling different tales. You never know what'll happen in the next page. Some pages could be fast-paced and makes your heart thump, and some could be slow-paced, keeps you pondering and wondering about the meaning. Some will give you frown on the forehead and frustrations, while some will make you unknowingly smile weakly and feel the familiar warmth around your heart.

How beautiful it is? 

As you try to find the answer for yourself, you also discover bits and bits of yourself from each random encounter. It isn't supposed to only apply to human, but also towards the inanimates; the natures, the musics, the sky, the weather, the crisp wind brushing your cheek coldly in early winter. It is all there.

The answer, that we've been looking for, it is all there. It is everywhere.

It's just sometimes we are too blind to see them.

Happy new year (:

samobor, summer 2022

Love, 

heba

11:59 p.m., bucharest